[UglyDucky]

I hate to be asking this question because there's usually so much background to get through so someone can provide an answer...however, this will be short and filled with hope that you all can help, even if it's only a little.

I have a complicated background...some childhood trauma that I remember, but nothing that I would consider epic; abandonment issues, depression and anxiety. There is a big chunk of my childhood that I don't recall. Nothing. Not. One. Thing.

I've been in therapy for a year and have formed an attachment to my T. Everything seems to be going well, except that I can't recall my infancy through to seven years old. The problem is that my feelings and reactions to my T leaving town or making some change in my appt. time causes monumental anxiety and serious depression.

Now, I'm frustrated and thinking there must be something I'm overlooking. T keeps asking, "don't you wonder why you have such reactions?" Of course, I do, but I can't tell T something I don't recall.

So...does anyone know if it's possible to be/have DID and not know? I'm past my 20s and I don't have any other lapses in memory (other than short dissociative moments in therapy). Any thoughts, opinions, suggestions are welcome. I feel I can't continue this roller coaster much longer. Thanks, so much...

[Lost_in_the_woods]

It's more than possible! Most of us are not dxd w/ DID until we are well into adulthood...not knowing u have DID is a fairly hallmark trait, as is not realizing missing time/memories until they are presented to you from outside. Also,can be confusing to differentiate from PTSD depending on how it presents and a lot of times lacking younger parental/ other adult authority figures accounts of any "off" behavior... For me, I think as a young child it is all we know so we don't remember or view it as anything being odd....then teen and adult yrs, just like others around us, and a lot of times Dr's as well....we strive to justify, cover up or invalidate any possible signs or symptoms bc
A. It is a very difficult and wildly buzzard notion to come to terms with accepting
B.Controrversial for many and even don't believe it is a real disorder...so easier to fathom any other causation as more likely ie. Drug addiction or severely Dramatic PD/factional disorder etc..even if no tangible proof of those exist.
C. Usually is accompanied by other dxs...often many that many be seen in all some or just on individual part (alter)..can be confusing and difficult to figure what the what is....
D. It is the first and sometimes the only survival/ defense tool we know/learned. And as such, with or without knowledge of any other parts, time/memory disturbances, odd behaviours, stuff we can account for etc...we will defend ourselves as "normal" at all costs (until we are able and feel safe enough to disclose otherwise), bc we see it as both vitally essential to our survival and safety and also are terrified of being viewed as freaks or crazy or locked up for life on a thorazine drip, and lastly probably the scariest outcome of "knowing/revealing"...Having to face our true selves and possibly uncover and relive our initial trauma...which is what is the most critical thing that why we are is, to protect us against ever having to know or relive that memory.
I can not say whether or not any if this applies to you or not...only answering the title post question if u can have DID n not know....answer is resoundingly YES.

Very, very yes.

Some systems work so well that they go on undiagnosed without major difficulties.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by UglyDucky

I hate to be asking this question because there's usually so much background to get through so someone can provide an answer...however, this will be short and filled with hope that you all can help, even if it's only a little.

I have a complicated background...some childhood trauma that I remember, but nothing that I would consider epic; abandonment issues, depression and anxiety. There is a big chunk of my childhood that I don't recall. Nothing. Not. One. Thing.

I've been in therapy for a year and have formed an attachment to my T. Everything seems to be going well, except that I can't recall my infancy through to seven years old. The problem is that my feelings and reactions to my T leaving town or making some change in my appt. time causes monumental anxiety and serious depression.

Now, I'm frustrated and thinking there must be something I'm overlooking. T keeps asking, "don't you wonder why you have such reactions?" Of course, I do, but I can't tell T something I don't recall.

So...does anyone know if it's possible to be/have DID and not know? I'm past my 20s and I don't have any other lapses in memory (other than short dissociative moments in therapy). Any thoughts, opinions, suggestions are welcome. I feel I can't continue this roller coaster much longer. Thanks, so much...

yes it is possible to have any mental disorder including DID with out knowing you have a mental disorder. there are many people in this world that discover they have a mental disorder after their treatment provider has them go through diagnostic evaluations for mental disorders.

that said it can be normal to not remember ones early childhood. the brain is an amazing thing that does not always remember every thing. in the grand scheme of things usually what a brain will store in a persons memory is things that are important to that person. I know many people who are completely normal who do not remember their early childhood simply because things they went through just were not that important to them at the time. for example if someone living in poverties whole survival depends upon scavenging for food they will remember looking for food but they might not remember what their siblings did for playing, or what their parents were like or what they did in school in kindergarten, first or second grade. they may not remember their birthdays during the years their survival depended upon scavenging for food, getting food and eating was that persons important part of their life.

my point it for many people it can be completely normal to not remember anything from their early childhood.

not remembering childhood can also be part of medication side effects, physical health problems, stress, lack of sleep ...gosh there are so many different things including mental disorders of all kinds having memory problems can be related to.

my suggestion is go according to what ever your own treatment providers have diagnosed you with, they are the ones that can best say why you are having this memory problem and what to do about it.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Very, very yes.

Some systems work so well that they go on undiagnosed without major difficulties.

Your use of the word "systems" seemed interesting to me. I've recently read a book on internal family systems, which is a system within all humans, consisting of the Self and one or more other personalities. This IFS system is a theory that we are not just one personality, but a family of selves that make up our personality. This is separate than the multiple personality theory, from what I understand of IFS.

By using the word "systems", were you referring to the IFS theory or the DID theory? It's possible I'm not using the proper verbiage, here. At any rate, thanks for your thoughts and response.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

yes it is possible to have any mental disorder including DID with out knowing you have a mental disorder. there are many people in this world that discover they have a mental disorder after their treatment provider has them go through diagnostic evaluations for mental disorders.

that said it can be normal to not remember ones early childhood. the brain is an amazing thing that does not always remember every thing. in the grand scheme of things usually what a brain will store in a persons memory is things that are important to that person. I know many people who are completely normal who do not remember their early childhood simply because things they went through just were not that important to them at the time. for example if someone living in poverties whole survival depends upon scavenging for food they will remember looking for food but they might not remember what their siblings did for playing, or what their parents were like or what they did in school in kindergarten, first or second grade. they may not remember their birthdays during the years their survival depended upon scavenging for food, getting food and eating was that persons important part of their life.

my point it for many people it can be completely normal to not remember anything from their early childhood.

not remembering childhood can also be part of medication side effects, physical health problems, stress, lack of sleep ...gosh there are so many different things including mental disorders of all kinds having memory problems can be related to.

my suggestion is go according to what ever your own treatment providers have diagnosed you with, they are the ones that can best say why you are having this memory problem and what to do about it.

Thanks for your response and links, amandalouise. I was professionally tested last year and my diagnoses were: Cognitive Disorder, NOS in conjunction w/Dysthymic Disorder w/anxiety features, Personality Disorder, NOS w/avoidant features. My T is a PhD psychotherapist and is not the same PhD who tested me. My T (and testing psychologist) feel there was sufficient trauma to be concerned about memory and cognitive issues in general. (There were other traumas that I didn't mention that revolve around abandonment and indications that I was chosen, unconsciously, by my family to be the bearer of traumas in the family as a whole.)

My concern and my T's concern is my very dramatic reaction and anxiety whenever my T goes out of town for a weekend (though I don't miss a session) and whenever small changes occur in times or days of my appts. (which has only occurred once). My T took a week off earlier this year and I became seriously suicidal...though I had access to T by text, email or phone calls.

I understand what you are saying. I need to read the current thoughts about dissociative disorders. I've always maintained I did not suffer from DID because I remember where I go, things I do, things I buy, etc., etc. I do dissociate periodically in appts. w/T, but know that does not necessarily indicate DID. But, as of my last appt. w/T, I cannot continue to tolerate the level of fear and anxiety when T goes out of town. And I am quite attached and trusting of T, so terminating therapy would break my heart. I will most likely ask, in my next appt., if T thinks I could have dissociated those years I'm missing? (T asked early on if I might be/have DID)

Thanks, so much, again for your thoughtful response.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

It's more than possible! Most of us are not dxd w/ DID until we are well into adulthood...not knowing u have DID is a fairly hallmark trait, as is not realizing missing time/memories until they are presented to you from outside. Also,can be confusing to differentiate from PTSD depending on how it presents and a lot of times lacking younger parental/ other adult authority figures accounts of any "off" behavior... For me, I think as a young child it is all we know so we don't remember or view it as anything being odd....then teen and adult yrs, just like others around us, and a lot of times Dr's as well....we strive to justify, cover up or invalidate any possible signs or symptoms bc
A. It is a very difficult and wildly buzzard notion to come to terms with accepting
B.Controrversial for many and even don't believe it is a real disorder...so easier to fathom any other causation as more likely ie. Drug addiction or severely Dramatic PD/factional disorder etc..even if no tangible proof of those exist.
C. Usually is accompanied by other dxs...often many that many be seen in all some or just on individual part (alter)..can be confusing and difficult to figure what the what is....
D. It is the first and sometimes the only survival/ defense tool we know/learned. And as such, with or without knowledge of any other parts, time/memory disturbances, odd behaviours, stuff we can account for etc...we will defend ourselves as "normal" at all costs (until we are able and feel safe enough to disclose otherwise), bc we see it as both vitally essential to our survival and safety and also are terrified of being viewed as freaks or crazy or locked up for life on a thorazine drip, and lastly probably the scariest outcome of "knowing/revealing"...Having to face our true selves and possibly uncover and relive our initial trauma...which is what is the most critical thing that why we are is, to protect us against ever having to know or relive that memory.
I can not say whether or not any if this applies to you or not...only answering the title post question if u can have DID n not know....answer is resoundingly YES.

Thank you, Lost, for all of the ways you read my post. I am familiar w/DID, but have never put all of it into words in the ways someone w/that dx would feel. I am frightened that if I dissociated those years, what am I to face? My functioning at the current time is not optimal - wouldn't be able to hold a job if my life depended on it, so the anxiety and depression is way out of control. On some level, I think my T has been asking me if I think I might have DID...the question, "don't you wonder why you have such dramatic feelings..." has been asked a number of times. T can't tell me, "You might have DID." (though the question was asked early on in therapy if I thought I might have DID) I'm the one who has to search within myself and the literature and finally ask T if I might have dissociated those years.

Thanks, so much, for your insight and hugs. I SO needed those hugs!

[finding_my_way]

it's important to realize that there are other dissociative disorders that can cause memory issues including derealization and depersonalization and other things in general.

i'd think if you generally are okay on a daily basis and tend to experience it more in therapy, it could also be related to anxiety. that is one thing for me that triggers dissociation anyway, though not always related to DID which i have a diagnosis of. i also experience other types of dissociation on top of/mixed with the DID. there are a lot of things that can overlap like that.

like it was mentioned, not everyone remembers everything or a lot, if anything at all, for chunks of their childhood, especially early years. one of my sister's has limited memories until she was around nine. my other sister can't remember the layout of one of the houses we lived in where i can, which was where some trauma happened, yet i have limited memories of a lot of the trauma. so, people's memories differ a lot including events they have gone through together.