Trying to understand myself

So hello there. My name is Lu and I'm having some real trouble figuring out where I belong. I am 20 and have been very confused as to where my life is headed.

I first started having depersonalization episodes when I was in 6th grade. At the time I thought I was psychic and that something was happening beyond my understanding. I would be walking in the hall way and suddenly be outside of my body, or more like detached. My actions were still my own, this wasn't another personality, it was more like going on autopilot. This would happen in varying increments in my middle school days and as my senior year of high school started, I was miserable. Feeling rarely ever connected to my body. I couldn't focus or listen, talk to strangers. It was all so difficult to explain. I had no words. I used my eyes seemed like a "fuzzy TV screen" as an explanation for awhile but everyone was just confused. Immediately after graduation, I felt like I needed to get help. I visited my doctor and she suggested that the episodes were anxiety based and after some research prescribed me Luvox once a day before bed.

Genuinely, I never felt more relief on my life. For once the medicine helped me SEE and truly perceive my surroundings. My jumbled speech went away (I often talk out of order and I've never known why), strangers became less strange. I started dating for the first time of my life. My episodes of derpersonalization didn't go away but they've definitley became muted and occured almost rarely. Everything was going fine.

But more recently, even with my medicine I've realized some descrepancies in my memory and my sense of self. I'm dating a new guy and it's forced me to think about who I am. I'm starting to realize my emotions are very mild and they always have been. Anger is a rarely felt emotion for me. It's foreign and makes me uncomfortable. My mother told me I rarely cried. I was the "zen-est" baby in the universe in her words. I don't have strong opinions. Its also a runing joke at work that I dont get scared or angry. Only in very rare occasions do I feel empowered to speak my mind. It's not that I feel like I can't. I think I'm just starting to realize I don't truly have anything to say. Every time I looked in the mirror, it's like seeing my face for the first time. When I see myself recorded or in pictures it's like watching a new person. I am always amazed and watch and look studying my face to remember how it looks.

I guess I concerned there's something bigger happening here. Something I can't easily explain. I want to be my own person and gain a sense of self. I want to get some new interests and insight. I'm curious what everyone would have to say about how I feel.

It might help to add that I'm a food addict and stuck. I eat for no reason all the time. And it's starting to affect my help.

Hello Luuhoov: Thnak you for sharing your experience. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hi hon, welcome to PC!

I'm sorry for your difficulties, but when I do DP/DR, it's usually due to anxiety and sensory overload. I naturally learned grounding techniques like focusing on an item and disecting it in my head till I feel grounded (done this from birth).

Have you like a T?

I've had the step back and watch self moments, generally in times of extreme emotion. But of course, I'm also a multiple and thats to be expected, I guess.

Actually, what has always made reality hit is to go off in the woods by myself and smoke a joint....like 20 years ago.

I wish you the best in self discovery, and I'm sorry that it's mucked up with mental illness. Hang tuff!