[green]

I am a 41 year old mother of three children ages 18, 16 and 9. I am currently filing for divorce from my alcoholic husband of 20 years. On memoral day, my kids and myself came home from an errand and my daughter walked into her bedroom and found her father standing in her room with his pants down around his ankles. When my daughter came and told me this I knew immediately that we would have to leave as soon as possible. Approx a year ago, the kids and I came home early from the store and discovered their dad coming out of her room with his pants unzipped and his shirt untucked. Back to memorial day, my husband later came up to me and stated that he wasn't doing anything wierd in our daughter's room. He said "I just like to jack off with her underwear because of the way the fabric feels with her panties." When he said this to me, it really scared me even more that he thought I would be ok with his excuse for being in her room. I have not told my daughter what her dad was specifically doing in her room but she apparently had already figured out because the night of the incident, she instructed me to throw away all of her underwear. The following morning, when my husband went to work, the kids and I left and have been staying with my parents in a different city.
My question is regarding my daughter. Both of my sons have done really well with the move and are very relieved to be away from their alcoholic father. My husband was very verbally abusive and really scared us sometimes. However, my daughter is not doing well at all and I think I am going to have to get her in to see a psychiatrist. She has gone to a counselor a couple of times after we moved and the counselor told me that she did not believe that anything else had happened between her and her father. She did say that my daughter had already been sexually abused by the mere fact that her father would jokingly grab at her breasts and say inappropriate things about her body whenever he was drinking. When she would tell her dad to stop, he would get angry with her and tell her he was just joking around. The counselor also informed me that while I was out of town approx. 4 months ago, my husband went into our daughter's room when she was naked, even though she told him not to because she was changing clothes. One other thing the counselor said was that she is extremely intelligent and recommended that I have her tested sometime in the near future. I already knew she was extremely smart as she is doing college level work and she is just 16. (I homeschool my 3 kids).
The problem that I am really concerned about started about one week ago. I was sitting doing some algebra with her and all of a sudden she started speaking with a different accent. Sounds kind of british. I asked her why she was talking that way and she didn't know what I was talking about. She does not do this all the time but it does seem to be happening more frequently, definitely on a daily basis. In addition to this, she acts very depressed and has a flat affect when she talks about her dad and "the incident". I have a little bit of mental health experience but not much but I am really concerned that she is not coping with this well. She complains of being tired and I have to really push her to join in with the family. She also has changed the way she dresses. She wears a lot of long sleeve tops, dark colors, etc.. I have taken her to a medical clinic just to make sure there wasn't anything physical going on and all of her lab work came back normal.
Is the different accent that she is using possibly dissociation? I know that is rare but I also know that it can happen with intelligent children. I am also wondering if she could be so depressed that she is having some psychotic features. I know that I am in no position to diagnosis her and all I want is to have my daughter back! I am really at my wits end and having problems finding a local child psychiatrist. I have spoken with a couple of friends of mine that are also child therapists and they both recommended a psychiatrist and stated that they have only read about children who have done this. Of course, I am also concerned that my daughter is not telling everything that her father has done to her.
I would truly appreciate any advice and if this sounds like something that I need to refer to a psychiatrist. Thank you so much for reading this and I apologize for it being so lengthy. Shannon Johnson davoshano@aol.com

[asylumgardens]

I'm not sure about the dissociation, so I'm not help at that, but regardless of whether she is or isn't I think you have the right idea with the psychiatrist. She definitely seems depressed, and it's totally understandable why. Also, if her father did do more things, she might be embarrassed telling you, because who really wants to tell their mom details about sexual stuff they've done (bad or good)? Maybe she would feel more comfortable with a different therapist (did she like the old one?). Anyway, when you do get her a therapist, I would definitely bring up the accent thing because it doesn't seem right, either, whether it's dissociating or not. Also, this abuse is (understandably) causing her a lot of mental pain, so it would be best to deal with it as soon as possible so it doesn't turn out to be something longer lasting like post traumatic stress disorder.

And as for your sons, I would sort of recommend that they at least go to their own therapy sessions, at least a couple times, just so they know they have the option too. I know sometimes it seems like people deal well, but some people (especially men) feel it is "weak" to show how they really feel. Alcoholism affects everyone involved with the one person who has it, which also includes you. I hope you also take care of yourself and do whatever you need for yourself. You seem very strong and like you are an amazing mother, your kids are lucky to have you. I'm sorry you're going through all of this, and I send my best wishes.