[elevatedsoul]

is it possible to love one person and hate them too, not like omg im in love with you but i hate your guts, but like damnit i love you, but i despise everything about you...

for my family...

im trying to learn to understand feelings... emotion...

i just feel like i must love them... even though it seems like they are so many things that i cant stand... and even caused so much pain...

[elevatedsoul]

i don't hate them, i just dont understand why they are the way they are

yet i dont understand why anyone is the way they are

I was going to write a really long post to reply to this (now I'm not)

I found myself getting triggered while writing it, so had to make it shorter..

anyway, I don't know what your family do (or not do), I don't know your story- but from my experience, my family were always bad people- from the moment I was born, they did wrong in so many ways
for me, I think i had the same feelings as you back themn... I really hate you and what you're doing to me, but i'm 5 years old- where the hell would I be if you wern't here? (that was tough to think about)

now i've grown older (obviously), I live alone and don't need them in my life. as far as they are concerned, they are dead to me. and like wise

I don't know if that post helped or not, but that's my experience

[elevatedsoul]

yeah, im not really sure what i was trying to get at with this post...

but its really mixed up feelings, i still live with my parents (will be 27 years old in a month)
and i dont really have a way to get out right now... but i am working on it.... i think it would really help if i could get away from it, but i dont think i could really ever cut them out completely

i have a rather large family... 6 siblings...

raised ourself i guess... drugs and alcohol.. violence... sexual abuse (from some cousins and maybe step brother i dunno)...
absent parents.. ect ect...

the way they are today is that my parents just absolutely cant get along, dad is mad about every thing in the world yet claims to be a loving christian (i hate religion so much) mom is just angry at the world because of everything she had to go though, and neither of them will go try to get help for it to make things better and easier for everyone.. im working on getting mom to get help (which my therapist says its not my responsibility and that im not the parent, which i have tried to be a parent my whole life apparently...)
but she just derails the plans alot of the times and still hasn't heeded my advice very much... which i seem to have an intereseting way of dealing with people not listening to me anymore

but thats just the surface of things... im supposed to be a genius yet no one will listen to me
the problem is that everyone seems to be out for their own and not even trying to mak things better for them selves but just remaining stuck in an angry period for some stupid reason...

so i hate the ignorance... but is it ignorance or is it stupidity..? because someone being ignorant doesnt bother me too much... but someone being stupid really does...
i hate the arrogance as well, the "I dont need help, im fine, God will take care of all problems" blablabla stuff....

and everyday my dad is telling me i just need to pray, jesus will fix things for me, and im like part of the reason is because of you! and you still wont accept responsibility!?


yet i disconnect severely and smile, and dont know whats happening, yet later feel the pain of being ignored... so now ive turned into my own worse enemy, as well as best friend, since i wont just stand up and curse people out and just let them walk all over me...
until i've had too much and black out and really go bonkers... which i try to avoid at all costs because i dont wanna black out and hurt anyone... or myself...

appreciate your compassion, im sorry about triggering you..