[ZombieAlex]

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!!

Secondly, here's a quick background of my epic life:

Possible trigger:

From the age of 4-14 I was sexually abused by 7 different men, the last was the worst. I was held captive with a knife to my throat and I vividly remember watching the sunset and saying goodbye and I love you to my horrifyingly abusive family. From infancy to the age of 15 I was physically abused and so severely emotionally and psychologically abused that it is actually classified as torture.

Sensory deprivation, deprivation of liberty, gas lighting, solitary confinement, no touch and the most psychologically damaging of all, the exploitation of ones most terrifying phobias. Fortunately I met my soulmate at 14 who has been a true supply of unconditional love.

I don't really know why I'm posting this, I think I just need to talk to others who have an understanding of dissociation/complex ptsd/bpd/ednos and living with mental illnesses.

I am severely struggling with dissociation while simultaneously trying to dissociate myself out of existence. I am on 600mg of Thorazine x2 daily and 200mg of sodium valproate plus I smoke about an ounce of hydroponically grown weed a month. My memory is absolutely appalling, I lose my train of though as soon as I think of it. I struggle to grasp thoughts, memories and feelings and yes, while I am aware that this is normal to some degree with dissociation, feeling like I'm fading away and slowly losing all consciousness isn't normal, is sit? I feel like I'm actively trying to access thoughts, memories and feelings while simultaneously actively trying to shut out all consciousness. I don't know how to stop dissociating when I'm actively trying to dissociate but also trying to stop dissociating? I've never seen an actual psychiatrist or psychologist just counsellors when I was 13-16. I have a psychiatrist but he is farking useless unless I need to be admitted, which he'll do without hesitation if I need it thank god. I have been a psychiatric inpatient 12 times since I was 13. I am a firm beliver of self improvement and have been working on self-recovery for a few years now. Now that I've started recovery again I'm really struggling with it due to the severe memory loss and dissociation. I also have a acute lack of insight, probably because I can't remember any-****ing-thing. I struggle to tell my incredible partner of 9 years about all the different stages and crap that I've been going through. I can only remember one period where I laid in bed with my eyes closed all day daydreaming, I wouldn't get up or anything I'd just stay in bed and go to sleep and start all over again the next day. This lasted for about 3 weeks before I started a completely different cycle. It was actually a really lovely time and I wish I could be like that again! There were so many other cycles/episodes whatever but I struggle to remember anything. Again, I don't know why I'm posting this. I'll probably delete it soon.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Alex: to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you decide to stick with us. PC can be a great source of comfort & support.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[elevatedsoul]

hey... i feel you deeply...

i love smoking because it seems to help, i dont know how or why, but its my favorite thing in the world to do... i've sort of come to a thought that maybe it helps support dissociation... but im in no status to say for sure...
as you my memory is really really ****, i forget everything... i dont remember my days, meds, whats going on or what im doing, what i did this morning or yesterday, week, last year, blahblah... dont remember childhood, dont remember teenager years...
memory is the biggest worry for me because it seems so bad and im only just now realizing it...

i started therapy and its been a big help... even though i havent made much progress it has helped show me that maybe some people in the world can actually care about our wellbeing...
trust is a big issue with me...

i wish i could say whats going on, but i cant... i do know that it would be helpful for you to start seeing a therapist... i forever was a practicer of self help...
but i drove myself into the ground deep because of this... now im helpless, and in trouble... as i suspect you may be feeling too...
im going to rehab in a few days... which im really scared of, but im hoping it will give me insight into whats happening with me...

the therapist told me that i dissociate alot... im still struggling to understand what that means... dissociation is such a complicated and complex thing in my eyes... such power... i cant fathom, you know... but maybe its part of my disorder to not be able to understand yet...

those drugs you are on are potent as well... and i know they can cause memory complications... how long have you been on them? did the memory problem just start after you started the drugs?
its difficult to see everything for what it is when yo are looking through the fog the drugs create... specially smoking good weed, i love weed too...

well.. i just wanted to write a little reply... im having a hard time focusing so im going to end, i hope you can find some answers soon and maybe consider therapy if you can, its really helpful just having someone on your side that can believe in you when we maybe sometimes dont believe in ourselves...

[ZombieAlex]

Sounds like we're in a very similar boat!! I have quit the greens and started taking a very high dose of omega 3's (fish oil) as its amazing for improving brain health like memory and attention etc. I wish you all very best with rehab love! Yeah I've been told that I'm on a really high dosage of medication which confuses me because I'm just still as severely depressed, emotionless and dissociative? Lol. My body is bizarre medically, I am so immune to sedation that I've had to be induced in 7 comas and placed on life support each time because I'm that heavily sedated I stop breathing. Narcotics have no effect on me, benzos, methamphetamins, marijuana, ecstasy, hallucinogenics etc, nothing works. Yet 300mg of chlorpromazine at night puts me to sleep naturally. (i don't get drowsy I just feel naturally tired). I'm so weird. I've been on the medication for about a year now. I am definitely looking in to therapy but am very apprehensive. Take care, sending you love and courage to get you through this challenging time xx