[boydisappearing]

So I don't have DID or anything, but over the past few days things have started feeling like I'm not really real.

I have bipolar I disorder with a history of psychosis so I'm really afraid I'm heading in that direction. I was pretty stable on a combination of 500 mgs of Seroquel, 1 mg of Risperidone, and 2 mgs of Lorazepam for a while, until suddenly I wasn't any more. Starting around the time of the US election (And I'm not from the US) my anxiety got out of control, which led me to fall back on the eating disorder I've struggled with for 10 years, and the food restriction catapulted me into suicidal depression. I took myself to the ER on December 17th, was admitted to the psych untit on the 18th, and released on either the 28th or the 29th, I actually don't remember.

While I was there, they discontinued the Risperidone and put me on 20 mg of Latuda instead. I started feeling better within a couple of days, and I think they wanted me to stay inpatient longer just in case but when I'm not sick, I hate hospitals and I just wanted out, and they let me go.

I have an appointment with my regular psychiatric team on January 9th, so I'm trying to make it through until then. But since discharge, I haven't felt well at all. I've been feeling extremely agitated at times in the past few days. It's not really a physically painful feeling, but it's extremely mentally painful. Yesterday it was so bad I thought I'd have to take myself back to the hospital. Instead I knocked myself down with 4 mg of lorazepam, made some tea, and tried to meditate.

And the new feeling that's growing is some sort of dissociation. I don't feel real. I feel like maybe I'm dead - not like cotard though, I don't think I'm this rotting body... I just think that maybe reality isn't... real? Like all of this doesn't exist or maybe I'm someone's dream and any second they will wake up and I'll disappear?

I really don't know what to do. There's a mental health team I could call, I'm thinking maybe I'll do that before the guy who lives upstairs gets home and overhears my call - I'm just scared they'll put me in the hospital again.

[boydisappearing]

Called the mental health team, they talked to me on the phone for a bit. Encouraged me to keep doing what I'm doing. There's a mental health drop in in my city, I'm going to go tomorrow. They have some cool events coming up too. I just need to make it to my appointment with my psych team on the 9th.

[Moose72]

Dissociation happens to me too and I'm bp1 too. I think this is scary but not outside the realm of your bipolar disorder.

I just want to say....everybody dissociates. Actually...a lot of m.i. Symptoms is dissociation,,, even meds cause it.

Dr/dp....it's normal unles it!s a disorder. To us...it's like an amusent ride until we are freaked on it. Were kinda nutz tgat way. Learning grounding techniques like focusing on an objext looking at it's shape, color, size....characteristics has helped pull us back.

Supermarkets are the worse....tge noise, sounds, repetive colors, people, smells...I havrpe to start reading ingrediant labels if whatever I grab iff the shelf....or leave till I feel that I can shop. I guess being having done lsd for awhile has made us like dr/dp fun. We are sick tgat way! Lolo

Good luck.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Hope you feel better soon

[boydisappearing]

Thanks. I do feel much better today. I called the mental health team last night and got a decent sleep. Now I'm trying to get some social time in tomorrow, unless I chicken out.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I have a loved one who is BP1 and they went thru a very bad long psychotic break a while ago. We lived together at the time and when eventually they were hospitalized, the case worker and dr. contacted me daily, for help with care coordination. Both to ask questions and to answer mine. Helped greatly to understand the reality my loved one was experiencing. The Dr. used the term "dissociated" in this context: ___ is very dissociated in our daily sessions...
This triggered a lot of confusion,rapid responses and questions from many parts of my system. The Dr. told us to breathe and slow down helped ground us. Then she asked me "What just happened there?"..so I explained that we are dxd w/ DID. And she said "Oh, I understand now. Let me explain how dissociation as a term is used in regards to psychotic breaks."
**Sorry for taking so long to get to the point. Flashback there a bit **

Dissociation is a coping mechanism. It is employed when the mind needs to not be present for any infinite kinds of reasons. A full psychotic break is very stressful and extremely traumatic experience. No matter the cause Trauma is Trauma and dissociating is one of many ways the mind tries to cope when faced with something that the mind and the brain cannot resolve. So they disconnect, compartmentalize, shut down/out, brick off the stressful/traumatic problematic pieces of information.

From what the Dr explained and what I have come to understand. During the break, dissociation is employed because the mind can not endure the conflicting realities it is being presented with simultaneously, so when faced with evidence/stimuli that is contrary to present reality, it either has to justify it or ignore it. Dissociating is one way the mind can tune out the offense stimuli.
After the break, the mind must now try to "reboot", so to speak, now that it has regained the ability to decipher what is really going on and what is not. But the memories of the psychotic reality and the intense feelings from that period are still very fresh...and just because you were the only person who experienced it and you now know it wasn't what was actually "real"...the experience of living thru it is VERY real. You experienced and lived thru something traumatic... So, in the aftermath, it is basically the same as the aftermath of any trauma. The mind must find a way to deal with it, sort it out, recover, recuperate, and hopefully heal. Distancing yourself from the memories that are very painful is common. Coming out of the psychosis, many people have described it like being in "the in between". I guess simular to near death experiences when people report feeling like they left their bodies and could see the body and the world around it but were not gone but not quite there either.."the in between". These are simular to the way someone with a dissociative disorder may describe DP/DR. Depersonilization and Derealization are states that many people feel at one time or another. And is one of the ways the mind separates itself from a traumatic experience...by Distancing and making the experience not so real..fuzzy..numb...foggy.

In my loved one's case, these dissociative symptoms have never completely gone away. They are not dxd with a dissociative disorder but they do often experience DP/DR symptoms. But the person I'm talking about doesn't see a T regularly...so, keep talking about it and working thru it in T sessions and hopefully it gets better for you soon
Sorry so long....
Hope somewhere in all my mucking about you find something of use or value...
Keep Writing! -Lost

[SuzyQ12]

Originally Posted by boydisappearing

So I don't have DID or anything, but over the past few days things have started feeling like I'm not really real.

I have bipolar I disorder with a history of psychosis so I'm really afraid I'm heading in that direction. I was pretty stable on a combination of 500 mgs of Seroquel, 1 mg of Risperidone, and 2 mgs of Lorazepam for a while, until suddenly I wasn't any more. Starting around the time of the US election (And I'm not from the US) my anxiety got out of control, which led me to fall back on the eating disorder I've struggled with for 10 years, and the food restriction catapulted me into suicidal depression. I took myself to the ER on December 17th, was admitted to the psych untit on the 18th, and released on either the 28th or the 29th, I actually don't remember.

While I was there, they discontinued the Risperidone and put me on 20 mg of Latuda instead. I started feeling better within a couple of days, and I think they wanted me to stay inpatient longer just in case but when I'm not sick, I hate hospitals and I just wanted out, and they let me go.

I have an appointment with my regular psychiatric team on January 9th, so I'm trying to make it through until then. But since discharge, I haven't felt well at all. I've been feeling extremely agitated at times in the past few days. It's not really a physically painful feeling, but it's extremely mentally painful. Yesterday it was so bad I thought I'd have to take myself back to the hospital. Instead I knocked myself down with 4 mg of lorazepam, made some tea, and tried to meditate.

And the new feeling that's growing is some sort of dissociation. I don't feel real. I feel like maybe I'm dead - not like cotard though, I don't think I'm this rotting body... I just think that maybe reality isn't... real? Like all of this doesn't exist or maybe I'm someone's dream and any second they will wake up and I'll disappear?

I really don't know what to do. There's a mental health team I could call, I'm thinking maybe I'll do that before the guy who lives upstairs gets home and overhears my call - I'm just scared they'll put me in the hospital again.

I think I understand how you feel to some extent. Over Christmas I flew interstate and stayed with my brother, his wife and 4 kids. My daughter (11) and I were at his place for 12 nights. It was all very pleasant and fun, except for the fact that at times I would notice that I was 'nothing but an observer'. Like I wasn't really there. And I'd get surprised by my reflection in the mirror.

I've had many occasions of DID, so put it down to that. It's very unsettling because at times I feel that I don't know who I am, or that I even exist. That said, I seem to be able to string a narrative of 'my life', together so it's cohesive.

What I've come to realise (as a sensitive person) is that I've shut down my emotions. And as such, 'feel dead', as you say. Literally. In my amateur opinion, I think denying emotion leads you down this path.

I've seen many doctors, and also one that put me on anti-psychotic medication. That medication did nothing to help me. It just made me drool.

It's only recently that I've found a therapist that took the time to delve and truly analyze. I understand now that I get DID because of PTSD.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say to you is please get another medical opinion. DID is not something, in my opinion, that should be treated with anti-psychotics. There is nothing 'psychotic' about dissociation.

Therapy, in my view, is not about prescribing medication, it's about taking the long journey with you, to truly understand what ails you. And in most instances, when it's revealed, it dissipates, without the need for meds.

SQ

[Michael W. Harris]

From my understanding the mental health professionals say that day-dreaming is a form of dissociation.

But because there is no memory loss or amnesia I am not sure if it should really be labeled as dissociation.

[-jimi-]

Originally Posted by Michael W. Harris

From my understanding the mental health professionals say that day-dreaming is a form of dissociation.

But because there is no memory loss or amnesia I am not sure if it should really be labeled as dissociation.

There is no memory loss in depersonalization and derealization but still they are dissociative disorders. Dissociative disorders are not just DID.

[elevatedsoul]

my therapist says i dissociate, i dont really know what it means though
i told the therapist if thats what i do... then i do it ALL THE TIME...

they told me i was bipolar I in the beginning... then it changed to MDD and stuff... then last time i saw what they were treating me under it was emotional dysturbance... i dunno what it is now or what it means anymore :|

names of things will drive you mad, but then again we're all mad round here...