[AspieDIDsurvive]

I am a survivor of mind control in the 70's (arranged by abusive parent with ASPD, NPD, and Pathological Lying to cover up CSA by grandfather when I was two. Survivor of incest, rape, mind control, sexual torture, physical abuse, molestation, emotional abuse, stalking, neglect.

I was originally a system of four, but the mind control when I was very little caused our host to cease to exist by design. We lived for decades as a system of three, me the host de-facto who has always been an adult age, a now adult male alter who aged, and a female little of two years who never aged.

I am in the process of getting my Dissociative Amnesia memories back. The main purpose of the mind control was to cause me to develop Amnesia because I had developed DID

Possible trigger:

due to being raped by my grandfather when I was two years old.

And I had Asperger Syndrome when I was born so I couldn't lie like my abusive mother wanted me to.

Long story short, my adult male alter was programmed to develop Borderline Personality Disorder and remembered all of the abuse for decades. I didn't remember. And the little either didn't remember or was protected from all abuse after she came into existence after our first abuse.

Adult male alter has communicated to many friends that he didn't want to develop paranoia, suicidal behaviors, or massive anger like he was supposed to due to the abuse by mother. He has instead developed Avoidant Personality Disorder because of his severe C-PTSD due to being the only one to remember and experience the abuse ongoing of our entire system. And he won't talk to anyone now that I know. He thinks it's all up to me to remember everything, and that that alone will help his mental health. I've worked on my PTSD, greatly, for decades. But I didn't remember the details of our abuse. Just knew we were abused because all other emotional and physical abuse suggested more abuse. Also my symptoms of PTSD suggested that too, to me and to therapists.

I strongly suspect my alter needs mental health help for his CPTSD and AVPD. But as to how I get him help, I have no idea. I have no idea what will finally make him feel comfortable. He feels comfortable only with me right now. I guess me getting memories back has been extremely re-triggering for him.

He has such walls, such high boundaries. And yet also over-identifies with me. It's so frustrating!

I know I need to see a therapist, but that is challenging as well. Our system for mental health for the poor right now is in transition. We used to have county funded mental health services, and now that has transitioned to drug abuse/addiction services and religious based mental health services. I don't know if I can do either, as we have never done any drug or alcohol (have severe Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), and we are all definitely not religious.

The religious based organization is definitely out. I studied Health and Human Services in college intending to work for DHHS in our city. And I can't in good conscience get therapy at a religious organization when I believe strongly in separation of church and state and know I wouldn't get actual mental health care there. Not in a city that doesn't even diagnose DID in poor people.

My options for therapy appear to be nil. Zilch. I miss having health insurance. Really miss it. I may try calling another secular mental health facility. My abusive mother has also begun therapy there, and lied about only having Anxiety. Yeah, right. And I'm sure she hasn't told her therapist about her decades of abusing me, being sexually abused by her own father as a child, how her mother admitted to all of us women of the family that her husband not only sabotaged her birth control device to get her pregnant (with a second child, my mother) but also raped her.

Yeah, my options aren't great.

Thanks for letting me vent. I appreciate it. I wish I could on here more, but am trying to get health diagnoses right now and have friends who need my help because they've been abused and are elderly. Why do all the lost puppies come my way? I do have a big heart and never got to have an actual puppy. And persons of the older generations in the Midwest are just so unlikely to talk anything through with a therapist even when they have one. *sigh*

Awww hon...thanks for venting and feel free anytime. Welcome to PC, too!

It's great that you can see the cycle of abuse instead of just being a blinded victim to spread the disease. We too swore we would never treat our kids the way we were treated. At least your mum made it into therapy....maybe the walls will fall here soon...even later would be good.

We hope to hear more from you.

[Luce]

Hi. I just wanted you to acknowledge your post. It was too triggering for me to read, but I want to say 'hello' and 'welcome'.