[ACrystalGem]

Trigger Warning: Mentions of sex

The first time I had consensual sex with someone, one of my alters was vocal in a panicked way - it freaked me out as well as the person who I was with. This was long before my diagnosis of DID. I have a lot of shame associated with that, how he thought I was crazy, and refused to see me again.

Fast forward 20+ years, and this still happens when I orgasm 9 times out of 10. This alter is very young, and cries out for her daddy to stop hurting her. I have zero control of what comes out of my mouth when I orgasm. I've tried reassuring myself that we're safe, but it still happens. I've been too afraid to 'let go' and enjoy intimate times with partners in the past, and when I'm having sex by myself, I'm afraid of what will happen. It is extremely distressing to me to hear that little voice who's always afraid. I always end up in tears. It doesn't matter how good the sex has been either. I feel just hopeless with it all. I don't know if anyone else has had a similar experience, but any tips on how to help would be appreciated.

[anais_anais]

This happened to me once. It was a while ago, before I began therapy and understood that I dissociate and have a system of sorts. I'm sorry it's bringing up so much pain for you....

I have a thought and you might have already tried it. Is there any way you can safely invite this alter into a context that isn't sexual? Have a chat? You might want a therapist's help if you haven't done it before. In my experience, the parts that have been uncontrollably disruptive in the past become gradually less so once I actively invite them and try to hear them. Sometimes it takes a long time for them to come out this way, though. And the things they say can be very hard to hear.

[ACrystalGem]

Originally Posted by anais_anais

This happened to me once. It was a while ago, before I began therapy and understood that I dissociate and have a system of sorts. I'm sorry it's bringing up so much pain for you....

I have a thought and you might have already tried it. Is there any way you can safely invite this alter into a context that isn't sexual? Have a chat? You might want a therapist's help if you haven't done it before. In my experience, the parts that have been uncontrollably disruptive in the past become gradually less so once I actively invite them and try to hear them. Sometimes it takes a long time for them to come out this way, though. And the things they say can be very hard to hear.

I have tried talking to/reassuring her, but it's worth trying again & inviting her out to speak. Anything is worth a go at this point. Thank you.

[Fuzzybear]

[bearguardian]

Maybe try doing a mantra specified to trigger something different at intimate times. The trick with mantra is for it to become organic, to sink into your mind. So make it of something that is important and meaningful to you.

I dont think I will ever again have intimate times with someone. No meds or mantras would calm my horrors and anxieties. Maybe VR intimate time would be cool.

[anais_anais]

I like the mantra idea and want to try it. More broadly applicable and less potentially triggering....

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ACrystalGem

Trigger Warning: Mentions of sex

The first time I had consensual sex with someone, one of my alters was vocal in a panicked way - it freaked me out as well as the person who I was with. This was long before my diagnosis of DID. I have a lot of shame associated with that, how he thought I was crazy, and refused to see me again.

Fast forward 20+ years, and this still happens when I orgasm 9 times out of 10. This alter is very young, and cries out for her daddy to stop hurting her. I have zero control of what comes out of my mouth when I orgasm. I've tried reassuring myself that we're safe, but it still happens. I've been too afraid to 'let go' and enjoy intimate times with partners in the past, and when I'm having sex by myself, I'm afraid of what will happen. It is extremely distressing to me to hear that little voice who's always afraid. I always end up in tears. It doesn't matter how good the sex has been either. I feel just hopeless with it all. I don't know if anyone else has had a similar experience, but any tips on how to help would be appreciated.

When I had this problem what I ended up doing was going back to the basics. how do children and adults learn about safe sex. they learn about their bodies and what feels good to their self. first in non sexual ways and then when they feel ready in sexual ways with out a partner and then as that progresses and feels comfortable moving into having partners but instead of the partner doing what they want. lead the partner to what feels good and safe.

Another great tip came from a couples therapist my partner and I were seeing. she told me not to rush things, I had the rest of my life so I might as well enjoy being in the moment. if dissociation to the point of an alter was taking over my body in order to scream and panic then something isnt right to begin with. Something triggering must be happening in order for me to dissociate during sex which resulted in the alter taking control. the solution was to take things slow, constantly checking in with making sure I am present in the moment / not dissociated and if I was feeling the least bit dissociated to use a code word that would tell my partner it was time to stop, reground back in the present moment by either going back to doing what feels safe/ non triggering, or stopping the sex act for that day.

using both these tools/ tips my partner and I were back in the saddle again with out any of my alters interfering.

maybe you can contact your own treatment providers who can help you to set up what to do that is right for you and your intimate partner so that sex and orgasms are not so triggering for you and your internal system.

I have a couple young ones that do the same thing,

[kecanoe]

I have had that happen, but at the beginning, like when H suggests sex.

What has helped for me is to mentally put the kids to bed or send them out to play or sit them down with a good book and assure them that the adults will be doing adult stuff and they will be protected. Still working on that, but it is getting better. H hates it when a 5 year old shows up in bed. He says it makes him feel icky. I am grateful that he understands.

[ACrystalGem]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

I have had that happen, but at the beginning, like when H suggests sex.

What has helped for me is to mentally put the kids to bed or send them out to play or sit them down with a good book and assure them that the adults will be doing adult stuff and they will be protected. Still working on that, but it is getting better. H hates it when a 5 year old shows up in bed. He says it makes him feel icky. I am grateful that he understands.

I tried your suggestion and it worked! I'm really grateful for this. I'm hoping it won't be a one-off. So thank you.

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by ACrystalGem

I tried your suggestion and it worked! I'm really grateful for this. I'm hoping it won't be a one-off. So thank you.

This makes me happy. It wasn't an original idea-came from T1. If it doesn't work every time, don't lose heart. It has gotten easier and more consistent the more I do it.