being played

i just dont want to be sick, at the same time i want everyone to know how sick i am... you know?
but im not exaggerating or making anything up... its just coming out in different ways..

and i've never had anyone understand before... so i dont expect anyone to understand... or anyone to do anything about it...
but i want some one to, you know?

like maybe im developing some form of psychotic breaks or some type of psychosis...
some weird stuff happens to me...

thinking about what happens to me... these other posts...
i feel so alone
and scared
because who is ever gonna understand? i mean what the hell

its either 1 or 2 things right guys...?
either im making everything up... but for whatever reason i dont know...

or im having a lot of problems and struggling really bad... and telling the truth...

something happens to my mind... it changes... its altered... i become altered... im afraid to try to explain it in "real talk" because i dont want to be laughed at, i dont want to be judged..
i feel like i become someone else
or someone else steps in and i just dissapear, go away... i dont know where, i dont wanna think about it very much because im sober... and im starting to feel sick thinking about this... i need some pot... i dont know how many parts come and go, its just a lot of stuff always going on when i get stressed out, im still really stressed out.. im just trying to stay grounded and focused... trying to use the coping skills i know that work, smoking weed works really good... real talk... but i dont have any now.. i havent been cutting, which is just superb. i just gotta figure out how im going to get this anxiety down so i can conquer this job thing so i can try to make some money some how... i cant wait on the disability thing no more... besides thats half the reason people here look at me bad now becase they think i just want on the disability for a free pass or whatever so maybe they will understand that its not true if i can start making money on my own.. even with all of these problems in my head :/

it just doesnt feel fair because i feel like people get mad at me for stuff that i didnt really do... ya know? like when i write hate mail to myself on a public board, for what reason? why do that? thats so stupid.... or confuse an entire board so much they all stop responding to your posts :/ ya know?

it sucks, man it sucks..

i kinda wanna change that...

becoming someone else... whats it to become someone else?
for me... this is where i need help explaining things...
it gets complicated... but maybe its not that complicated at all and i just tend to obsess and blow things up?
thats a possibility right?

am i doing it again? diffusing a cry for help?

i just say something... something i want to say, something that sounds real, real talk... and it scares me, and i want to change it, because maybe im in denial myself...
you know? so im trying to fight too... im not saying this as if i know it to be true, im saying it as if maybe its true.
because what happens to someone when they are in denial and they get close to realizing their denial? *shrugs* i dunno
i would imagine the denial would try to fight back, trying to keep the person under the influence...

so maybe when i do these things ... you know.. its because im fighting not you all, or the doctors, but myself...

does that make any sense?

because ... how long has it been... has it been a year and 5 months? or has it only been 5 months... its been a year and 5 months hasn't it..? i can't remember...
since i've been reading about this stuff... since i had an A'ha! moment with dissociation...
ever since i have been trying to prove myself for and against d.i.d. ...... real talk..

but maybe a normal person would argue with themselves over it just as much as i do, if they were confused too.. because i have to agree with myself to simply disagree... or else i have panic attacks...

so i get a little off sometimes in my posts when having internal war fare about what im thinking/saying/feeling and stuff all at the same time.

so what i am getting at is, i don't like to say that i become other people... because i dont want others to look at me like a monster, i dont want to look at myself as a monster, i dont know what happens to me.. its what it feels like sometimes, but it could maybe be described as moods changing with thoughts, feelings, likes, beliefs... stuff.. changing... shifts... personality shifts, changing gears, kind of like changing gears... the next gear has an entire different ratio, purpose and desire - whatever, does that make sense?

i'm trying to explain... i've never tried to explain before

i just dont want to run around saying things like, hey i have this or that, i want to understand what is wrong with me...
and i want to know what to do to make it better...

i need a safe place to simply be, to try to learn about whats happening...
is it just mood swings?
am i just experiencing bipolar mania/depressive episodes? psychosis?

im looking for patterns, theres gotta be patterns

having alters (your wording becoming someone else) enabled me to be a fully functioning person without the trauma's/ pain interfering with my life. in other words DID gave me the ability to be just like anyone other normal person.

examples

rather than falling all a part because I could not do something, I dissociated and the alter that could do that took over and did that...

Rather than feeling confused and emotional about something i dissociated and an alter took over and had those hard emotions and dealt with what ever problems I could not handle

rather than panic over not being able to do my job an alter took over and did the job for me.

rather than worry about what was wrong with me, an alter took control and dealt with going to the doctors and getting diagnosed and treated.

rather than being upset by something someone else said or did I dissociated and an alter took care of that.

rather than being scared I dissociated and the alter who had that emotion took care of what ever was making me scared....

in other words having DID makes a person be able to live a full and happy life as if none of the trauma's / pains have ever happened. it walled off all those unhappy painful times from extreme trauma at such and early age in me, so that I could continue to go to school, play with my friends, grow up, go to college, have a successful career.

the reason i say having DID was not fun thing for me to have is because during therapy for DID I learned how much of my life was affected by my not remembering all of that trauma stuff, just how chaotic what I grew up knowing as normal was.

because of having been harmed to the extreme at such a young age which gave me DID before I was 5 yrs old, I grew up where not remembering was normal, hearing the voices was normal, everything that came with my having DID was my normal. even after I was in treatment for bipolar, depression and other things i never questioned whether or not my problem was DID or my symptoms were DID, why because to me everything I was going through was my normal life since before age 5. I honestly believe that if I hadnt chosen to go into my career choice and wasnt attending a psych class that required the students to take a psych eval for all known mental disorders and enter therapist for the duration of the class, I probably would still not know I had DID, i would still consider everything that was me and my alters as my normal way of being. it was only after I entered treatment for DID that I realized that hey this and that isnt normal.

thats what it was like for me to have alters.

im really glad that you are responding again amanda, i really love your input...
even though some of the ways you say things are triggering, its important to look at things outside of the box; i always try my hardest to look at things through others perspectives because i dont want to become stale, stuck or trapped...

i can't say i have alters, i can't say what i have because im not a doctor and i dont understand whats happening to me...
i want to understand so bad so i can make things better though!

my childhood was really bad... this problem i developed allowed me to also be "happy" or have as close to "normal" life i could as a kid... besides the part of not having friends, i had acquaintances i just never got close to anyone.

there is just a really really really important aspect to this problem that i have never been able to construe... to be able to tell or explain to others...
and it has to do with memory...
i feel like this is so important but the most important part is the part that hides it self the most as well.. hiding in plain sight.... with me screaming at other people and no one "getting" it...

the only thing i can say for sure at this moment is that a normal individuals mind does not function the way mine does... and no, i would not have known that either if i have not become interested in psychology either...
to be honest, i probably would not be as bad right now IF i did not start reading about psychology.... but i would not have made nearly as much "chaotic" progress either... or i may be dead...

whatever my problem is allowed me to go to school, when i didnt hide in the woods, and be around people and do school work and not worry if my mom had a knife to her throat or if my brothers were being hurt or if the house was being burned down or if we were going to eat that night or if i was going to be beat when i got home ... made me not realize the sexual abuse was what it was... made me dissapear... made me think like my mom says, and i got into an arguement with her about it the other day because i feel like she encouraged this behaviour in me, "imagine!!!" ..... so i have this mind that is capable of taking control... making me forget stuff... making me feel numb... making me black out or changing how i am, what i am, the way i see things, hear things, feel things... and even to this day im fighting it, as everyone here can embarrassingly see...

its just that my parents were not very good at this parent stuff to say the least...
and i feel like because of their instability it caused my brain to not develop a sense of self, a solid sense of self... but at the same time i feel like of course it did, i mean what the hell... i like games, music, im a musician, im creative, i like playing with babies, i like psychology, smoking weed, ect ect... but then... i can be different, i dont know if its alters, i dont know if i have d.i.d. or not because its just something thats really confusing to me right now... im going through a lot of stress and trying not to focus too much on what it is any more... and trying to focus on some positive things that i can do to stabilize....

but it is important... i do need to know... im not normal...

i mean dissociation presents itself differently in different people right...?
its not the same for everyone right...

i feel like i have a lot of amnesia... because my memory is so messed up... but its not like really amnesia, but it is... but its like when you know something, but you dont know something... its like when you have no clue about something but having an intuitive knowing about something... hell, who wants to trust a gut feeling... everyone wants a photographic memory right? i just feel like i dont have a memory a lot of times...

i remember growing up i could hear myself or a part of me saying things like dont think about it... dont think about it... or close your eyes... or forget about it forget about it ... just forget it... this is not happening... this isnt real... ect ... over and over...
maybe i said those things so many times that my brain broke and now it doesnt work...?

if i do have d.i.d. then where is everyone... or why is everyone so confused? thats what i mean.. i dont like saying never, i dont like saying can't... i dont like to just say that it cant be you know because i dont know all i know is something really weird and bad is happening to me... im not trying to get attention... although i can see how it looks that way.. im not a drama kind of person, im a really quiet person that doesnt talk about their problems... i come here because i dont go anywhere else to try to put my stuff out on paper and figure things out for myself ya know

but the way im feeling is like...
everything started happening to me very early in my life...
i've heard stories of step brother beating me as a baby... hitting me in the stomach and stuff because he was jealous of the attention i got from my mother for being a baby... you know how new borns get attention...
so its not like this stuff started happening to me when i was in my teenage years... my life has never been ok.... i've almost been killed several times as a child... almost drowned... burned up... had guns and knives on me... watched my mom try to kill her self and my dad trying to kill her... saw them getting high and drunk... us pretending to get high and drunk as kids because we saw dem doing it and thought thats what was supposed to be fun...
been in foster care... had religion shuved down my throat... told not to ask questions... told im wrong... told im wright... told to shut up... told im a genious... told im stupid.... i was offered a scholarship in school to college because of how compartmentalized i was i guess... but i hated school... i missed i think like 250 days one year and they had no choice but to hold me back but i had really good grades and the sad thing is they wanted to skip me a grade its just that my attendence was bad... but when you are hiding all the time how do you have good attendence...

i know that some people come around and are like... i think i might have d.i.d. ....
and maybe their lives have not been so bad for it to have had the chance to develop... but i wouldnt be worried about it if my life wouldnt of ... like... been so bad you know... i know im like borderline personality as hell...
but these labels are just gonna cause me to lose focus of the important thing at this current moment... my stabilization is of the utmost importance... and the only wway i can stabilize is to do this extremely difficult life changing goal that i got goin on...

i have to get a job, mental illness or not... misery or not... mental break down, quarter life crisis, all of this, or not... i have no choice... i need an income ... and things will improve just a little... i will feel better about myself, will have money in my pocket, will be able to afford the "medication" that i know works (weed) and can just stay busy hopefully doing something at work that isn't too god awful bad...

replying to some of the things you said in your post...
i feel like you are saying.. if i had alters i wouldnt feel like this, because i would just dissociate into an alter that would take control and would never have anxiety or panic...
but even if thats the case, don't you atleast have internal panic?
isn't it a little unfair to say that every case is the same...? cause the way i was brought up... after i got out of foster care i became a recluse... i started to hate people because of everything they did to me... i guess not really on a full fledged level, but on some level i felt something like that... i just wanted to be alone, you know..? be away from triggers... i stayed in my room and played video games and smoked weed... the past years ive been pushing very hard to change my life, to get out of the bubble i created... the fake life and reality i created... the fantasy world i created... where everything is fine... im trying to wake up and come to reality... to realize my life and my past... to realize everything... reality is hitting me hard...

im trying to draw the lines between reality... and inner reality... im trying to find out where my inside world begins and the outside world begins... because im living in multiple worlds right now... like my old signature used to say... im lost in a maze of worlds

does any of that make sense to you?
im not trying to defend anything... really just trying to have a conversation about this because i need to talk about it...

i dont know whats been happening to me... i dont know if i have been dissociating into an alter, writing these posts, or if i've been becoming psychotic...
not on a doctors level, as a diagnostic or anything profesional, but as a friend, you know.. im just trying to honestly figure this stuff out because there are so many holes in my memory... and i dont like reading these posts... because its scary...

i've been taking antipsychotics so i just dont understand.... i hate stupid medications... nothing ever seems to help....
im quiting the saphris... im gonna just beg them to get back on the klonopin and talk to them about my plan to just find a job... my heart is very very tight and scared about a job but i have no choice you know? im really scared but i have to stay focused

i havent taken the saphris in 3 nights... im just gonna tell them i dont want anymore new meds... no more new meds... im tired of new meds... these meds are driving me crazy... they wont help and i just dont wanna do it anymore...

the problem just seems to be that i get really stressed out... hurt... scared.. overwhelmed... and i change, i either get angry... or i get really really hurt, like more hurt than normal and the pain gets really bad like so bad i cant handle it... and then thats when the posts start to change... i just thought that medications are supposed to stop psychotic breaks...

i just have a lot of inside pain that is burried under a lot of more pain... buried under more pain... theres a lot of pain inside... hurt... broken trust... fear... not much joy and stuff.. because all the happy feelings ive ever had have always ended in fear and pain

go to my cousins house to play and spend the night, have fun, end up getting molested at night ......

do i learn? no, you forget - do it again next weeked because you cant remember because your brain is broken, how many cracks does it take to break an egg "shell"?
0 because an egg shell is already broken...

its just messed up when everyone molests you and everywhere you turn someones wronging you because you have a huge sticker on your head saying something like IM HERE FOR YOU TO SPIT ON OR DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH IM A DUMMY AND NOT A HUMAN BEING



im done writing for now... im sad... i gotta drink some coffee and try to get myself ready to call these people... i hate talking on the telephone, it causes so much anxiety... i dunno what im going to say....

im just really nervous... and i dont have any friends when i could use friends the most right now