System Distress - This wants to be heard

The little one. I'm hearing that she needs to grieve the loss of never having what her heart so longs for.

I'm also hearing that she needs the safety of the system to do this. ?

She is burdened by the fact that she has to give up hope that what she always needed and tried to earn, will never be. It's not going to be like her heart wants so badly even now.

The mother is now 82 and in health complications. Still, the little one tries and the mother - is who she has always been.

Such a dilemma. Such a hard place of reality. Reality that she does not want to acknowledge.

She (the Little One) does not want to grieve. She still wants to hope and believe . If she does grieve the loss and acknowledges it not "being" - all hope is lost.

It feels like it would shatter her. She couldn't go on. She would be no more without hope.

The 12yo is angry (silently) for the Little One. She is angry at the mother, but she has no way to express her anger. She's pissed because she could never be angry to begin with. ("Don't cut your eyes at me like that!")

The 12yo would like to drink a case of beer and smoke cigarettes and tell everybody what she thinks of them. No holds barred!!

That would not be good!!

Compliance is wringing her hands, worrying that this does not look good. She has no idea what to do.

Comfort the Little One - calm down the 12yo - figure out what it can do for the mother to make the other 2 ok.

System Distress!!!!

I don't know how much a little can understand about that type of grieving. For me, I guess I had reliable adults in my system just be there and not let the little one do anything that would harm her.

For the angry 12 year old, I found that validation and journaling helped some.

And give compliance a hug. She is doing fine.

Thank you! That is very good and sound direction. It's very hard for me to sort things out, when I'm in the middle of it. The 12yo thinks it's very good direction for me to journal her thoughts and feelings. I think I've been shushing her because I feel her anger and that's never been safe or ok.

Compliance likes the hug idea. It felt the relief.

The Little One. My dad died about 7 years ago. I cried for 3 days. I'm feeling now that it was her that cried. She felt the same sadness and loss of things never being ok. Hope for that relationship was gone. She sobbed and felt the loneliness and abandonment of realizing that all hope was gone, for never feeling what she needed from him. Safety. Love. Protection. That is what she is afraid of happening now with the mother. I don't have a word for that emotion right now. I can feel it, but there is no word to validate it. I believe what you said about her not being able to understand grief explains not having a word.

I don't really know of a grown up part that can help her. The only grown up part that I can name is too purpose driven, and doesn't really have emotions. It feels like she would push anyone away that tried to help, because she doesn't want to acknowledge this. If she doesn't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. That is her thought.

Oh my, I think we can sympathize with you! My mom is in a post acute facility for failing health and is no longer coherent. After I went to see her I had a horrible week of distress! Little, she's 5, was feeling exactly what you describe--missing the mommy she never had, and some others were angry and couldn't understand.

This is Sire--I am the part that agreed to comfort Little. I'm not sure what will help you, but perhaps you can get something out of my reply. Little needs hugs. I hold her internally. She has a "safe place" inside where she goes. She also has a pet lion-- a great protective Aslan type of beast that she is with all the time. She buries her face in his mane and listens to him breathe and he calms her. This is not a part--T calls it a resource, and taught us how to do this as a function of self soothing. I have a whole pride of lions myself, and a dog, and a big black unicorn. It my be very hard for Little to accept, but with our support inside she is beginning to get that she has us now instead of the mother. There is a lot more to all this so you can send a message if you want to talk more. It might not apply to your situation. T says eventually it will be Solnutty's job to comfort Little.

Thank you!

My Little One loves Narnia!! She wants to be brave like Lucy. She loves Aslan. She's never thought about it the way that you described your protector. She's entertaining it. She likes the part about her burying her face in his mane and hearing his heart beat. It's inviting a place and feeling of safety that feels very calm.

Thank you!!

I'm sorry your young ones are suffering in their own ways. Journaling or drawing might help. Lots of safe hugs for all. I'm sorry I can't offer more. I understand whole system distress. Am going through it now and it feels worse than anything . Please tell all that you are there for them (if you can) Can the little one have a stuffed animal she can confide in and express her loss?

I'm going shopping today for Mothers Day. I'm going to let my 3 parts that are in this dilemma pick out something they would like.

I'm going to start off with a cinnamon roll coffee from Seattle Drip drive through (for me), open my sun roof and enjoy some "us" time!

As awful as it would be for the Little One to acknowledge the loss of hope for the mother to ever be loving and kind, how utterly amazing and liberating would it be for her to find the unconditional love and support of you?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...r-you-deserved

Just wanted to put this here.

Thank you! She heard you.

I have a momma bear and her 3 cubs that my youngsters go find when needed. Snuggling up with a bunch of cubs with Momma guarding the door is good.

And I LOVE the Aslan idea. I loved those books when I was a child, read and reread them. I have read and reread them as an adult also.

Narnia is a very favorite of mine too!! It speaks much truth and love to me. Lucy, again, is who my little one wants to be like. She is brave!!

Today I got my journal and opened myself up to the angry 12yo. I wanted to allow her to write and express her anger and emotions with no judgement.

I could feel it there, as an undercurrent, but nothing came. It's felt like she was backing away. It may be the little one and she doesn't want to scare her. I don't know.

12 can have a pet, too. Anything she wants

A dragon!!

Yay!