[elevatedsoul]

i want to write about this... because its come to my attention that several if not all members atleast here in the dissociative side think im manipulative...

i don't know how to explain my state... i feel like im stuck in a bubble.. i cant see the past.. i cant see the future... its difficult for me to process things.. i try really hard to put stuff together, im supposed to be intelligent.. i try really hard to be smart... im not trying to be manipulative...
i want to tell everything here, im going to try to give the whole truth the best i can as i see it, but its hard for me to put things together so please bare with me... omg... when i try to think about the past my mind goes blank... i dont know what to do... everyone thinks im lieing..
all i can remember is that i was depressed like in 2010.. i went to a doctor and he put me on zoloft and klonopin for panic disorder and depression... that was the first diagnosis i had if im not mistaken and thats whats on the disability paper right..? he also diagnosed me with GERD... anyway..
after a year taking the zoloft and getting to 200 mg and it not working i decided to try the "crazy" clinic, the mental services.. they did an assessment and diagnosed me with Bipolar I.,.. i was in treatment for that for 4 years with a psychiatrist that really dumped the drugs on me... i was hospitalized 1 time and put on more drugs and they didnt assess me they just went by the diagnosis that the psychiatrist had already given me...
the place i went to was a crisis stabilization unit...
after that i relapsed got out and started drinking, had a falling out with the psychistriast and stopped taking half of the meds, like depakote and zyprexa because of the side effects... after that the psychiatrist treated me differently, was rude and didnt talk to me or listen at all so i stoped seeing him and didnt have any care for a year... after that i became unstable again, went through a major depressive episode and went to a psychologist for an psychological assessment, one of the 3 hour ones... and he diagnosed me with major depressive disorder, PTSD, ADHD, somatization disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder, as far as i remember that was all of the dx...
then i went back to the mental health clinic because the psychiatrist i was seeing had retired and i was able to see a NP who is a female and more gentle with me as i have a phobia with males as i was molested by a male...
so now im not sure what is on the paper they have because i havent seen it since i came back to the clinic, im going to ask when i go in ... but when i was talking to the NP and i was telling her i think i may be borderline she was like nahh i seem to think your more like bipolar II, i dont have a problem with bipolar its just that the medications havent helped... my understanding is that bipolar is manageable with medications... i have taken the medications as prescribed and they havent helped... they say im either manic, or im really depressed, and my moods can change really quick, and i dont know why they say im manic when they do because i dont see it, i dont feel it, i feel lethargic when they say it and even depressed sometimes so i dont understand and am very confused... but i can feel multiple feelings too such as happy and sad at the same time, which is very distressing...
i dont know how to explain myself, i am very broken... something is very wrong with me... i want to get better... im not trying to manipulate any one and im not just trying to get on disability... im hurting...you know? im scared... im having suicidal ideations now... my only friend has just left me... everyone on psych central is turning against me... i feel so alone... i have no one.. and im feeling like there is no reason to live.. i am at the point i need to be hospitalized but i dont wanna go... i really really really dont want to go you know... i hate going to that place... i just wanna go talk to my therapist and be ok, thats all... thanks for reading... i will answer all questions please...

[elevatedsoul]

my therapist said i might have a ... some kind of disorder, where i have trouble integrating thoughts...
i forget what it is called..? i think thats what she said...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought_disorder

[elevatedsoul]

to address the dissociation thing... i feel like i dissociate... i've done alot of reading and read that dissociation is often a hidden disorder... it goes undetected many years before finally being detected...
im trying to pay attention and help identify my symptoms to my treatment providers so that we can speed the process but maybe im messing things up... i've been in treatment for about 7 years now.. give or take some months or whatever... i read that average 7-10 years to discover a dissociative disorder right?

so the way i feel... so disconected from my body... so far away all the time..
the conversations that go on in my head.. which im not saying are alters...
im not claiming to have d.i.d. and i never have so im sorry if that was implied...
ive never claimed to have any dissociative disorder really... i've just stated that i feel weird.. and tried to be distant with my responses because i dont want to be concrete about what i say and offend anyone.. i dont know whats wrong with me, but i will try to change that and start being more forward...

i believe i have a dissociative disorder and im trying to talk to my treatment providers about it... my NP doesnt want to talk about it, she just said "Hmm so your T must of explained dissocation to you" and when i talk to my T i cant remember the conversations very much... actually i dont remember any of the conversations... i forget them so quickly i must be dissociating while in the meeting right? i feel distant when im talking to her, and im going to try to change that from now on... i want tot alk to her, not let a part of me talk to her

im sorry if i offended or confused anyone, or appeared to be fake or a fraud, im not just doing this to try to get disability...
im just trying to figure out whats going on inside of my head... honest..

i dont want to have D.I.D. ... its just something that came up when i was reading... the symptoms that resonated with me...
the DES test i took scoring 70-90 whatever i scored...

but i also resonate with borderline..

and im not trying to self diagnose... although it is coming close to that and im aware of it, im not claiming any of these, im just trying to learn about them so that i can talk with my treatment providers about the possibilities of my illness and how i can get better...

does that make sense?

my therapist said i dissociate alot... im trying to understand it but i dissociate the dissociation... you know? i have amnesia for the amnesia... my black outs are blacked out... i dont know whats going on, im just floating through life and i dont have a life.. im miserable and want to get better... im suffering so much and i need friends... not enemies... please forgive me for the confusions... im so sorry... i just want to clear everything up if i didnt clear something up please ask me...

[elevatedsoul]

im so miserable.... i need friends... please...
the suicidal ideations are high right now and i just need someone to talk to...

[elevatedsoul]

Ok... see this is the problem, I'm being played too..
I don't wanna die and don't feel suicidal.. I'm actually ready to go out and have fun but my arm hurts from the cuts and I'm worried someone might accidentally see them..
Why does this happen... Why does my mood change so much? I just don't understand..
I'm afraid I'm going to kill myself when I'm in that mood and then I'm going to be dead... I don't want to die...

I'm going to try to go out with my brother and try to distract myself...
Scared and don't want to think about it..

This is mood swings right? I feel so numb.. Foggy
Embarrassed

I understand why people here don't like me... I would think I'm a fraud too.. saying I'm suicidal one second and the next saying something else. I'm really sorry, I'm going to get off here and go do something fun..
I just want to say before I leave, Everything said here is the absolute truth...
This body was suicidal earlier... My mood just changed I guess, I don't want people to think that I'm lying though...
But I can see how it would be impossible to not believe me... I mean... Yeah... I dunno... All I can say is it's all true... and apologize for the confusion.. I'm confused too, These mood swings scare me.

[elevatedsoul]

I think I'm losing my mind so I apologize for ALL of my posts. I'm going to try to stop posting... I'm going to miss you guys...

[Amyjay]

I believe you. You obviously dissociate a lot and go through intense mood swings. You are not lying. You are telling your truth as you experience it. Your truth is all over the place but that doesn't make it a lie.

[elevatedsoul]

It makes me sad... because I can't understand it, It scares me, I don't know how to explain it..
I mean what would you think if you read that you were suicidal an hour before?

I'm going through alot.. I know I'm really stressed out.. I'm trying to take it easy as I always do but Its not so easy, something keeps happening to me.. I guess I get stressed out and flip, or Dissociate, or what have you..

I want to understand. I'm afraid my Therapist feels the same as the people here.
That I'm making things up. But she's seen me dissociate, I know..

Talking about this is stressing me out.. so I'm going to stop..
I just wanted to say that little part.. I try so hard, but everytime I turn around I have that other part of me causing trouble.. failing.. ruinging relationships.. cutting.. being suicidal... I don't like it, I just want to get rid of it but I can feel it there and it scares me.. Like at any moment I'm going to just change into this monster, and "ME", "I", will be gone... does that make sense?

I'm going out in a little bit, I hope I can hold it together this weekend and have a good time.

another thing... i think im in a constant dissociated state or something... a bubble.. i dont know what this is, im stuck in the fog, lost in the maze... i cant find my way out.. i dont know what that would be called, or if there is a such a thing... maybe i have brain cancer... i dont really know, but i am trying to find out.. i just wanted to add that because i feel like you guys are being so hard on me... if you understood how i feel and the way i see the world... my experience... the way my perception is... you would understand how difficult it is to live... you know... this life is so hard...

[elevatedsoul]

i was reading trying to read about dissociation... trying to understand this thing.. but i feel like its just.. i dissociate all the time about everything... my therapist said its because i associated everything with danger and now everything triggers dissociative behaviour... but what do i do? i practice grounding skills but i still feel in this bubble, i cant get inside this body or feel alive i just feel like im watching this guy live his life.. and its a sucky life...

its no wonder im so tired all the time...

im scared to talk to the therapist... i dunno what shes gonna say... im scared that she gonna make me more scared...

dissociation is so confusing.. it makes me feel so dizzy... im gonna go wait for my bro to get here... wish me luck

[just2b]

I hear you. I get those mood swings too. Teenage parts of my mind are very suicidal but take to heart that I / they have two kids. My T tells me that if a teenage part wants to kill the body they must get her permission, my kids permission and all parts of mind must be okay with the decision. Must get permission in writing and talk to her. Since they are not willing to do so they stay away, but I have those times of feeling depressed and suicidal.

[elevatedsoul]

i wish i could do something like that... i went a long time without cutting, i was so proud... but then all these triggers... so much stress... the denial on disability... the losing friend.. the friend thinking im crazy ... everyone here thinking im crazy fraud... everyone pressuring me in real life... too much... im going to blow up or something... then it started, i started having cuts on me.. i know i did it... i can remember watching it happen kind of... but it wasnt me you know..? so suicidal... so depressed... so much pain... so trapped... i dont want to feel that, i dont want to be that, im sorry for anyone that has to feel so much pain but i dont ever want to feel that... i just wish that i didnt end up cutting... now i have to hide my arm more, and it hurts...

[elevatedsoul]

can i ask a question about d.i.d.?

what would it look like to be co-conscious but not aware of each other, like walking beside other people without paying attention that they are there.. is that possible?
or being co-concsious and in denial?

i dont like asking questions like that because like people will say things to me like why do i want to be d.i.d. so much or why do i think d.i.d. is cool... or things... and its not that... im just trying to figure things out for myself... so i get scared away from asking qquestions...

and btw guys im still sober you know..? thats good right...? so its not the drugs making me all crazy... im just having lots of problems...
really.. please be easy on me...

[finding_my_way]

i don't really think you can be co-conscious and not know another part is there. that is what co-consciousness is. you would feel another part even if you didn't know anything about them. for some, they can also hear the others talk, hear their thoughts, feel their feelings, etc. it can be more a mixing/blending with them, but you would still know they are there otherwise there would be the amnesia aspect associated to them and wouldn't be co-consciousness.

[just2b]

For a long time I felt or could see someone there but I didn't believe it or thought something was off with me. What finding my way said above is right. You can try to not acknowledge that there is this feeling or sense of someone there but it will keep happening until you say look I feel sense and or see you please tell me about yourself?? This took me a long time to do and become curious. I still have trouble though. Practice compassion and patience... hang in there... your doing the best you can.

[L.P.]

Co con and denial? For me, oh absolutely. And not just 'me', but lots of 'mes' have done this over the years. I've been doing some memory processing stuff from my teen years and I had three main people doing the life thing... there was C, A, and L. They were kinda different in a lot of ways and none of them knew the other was an actual other and the three of them were largely co con. I have a clear memory of C flipping out because she was asexual and hated being touched and L would do this stuff that made C loathe herself and she had no idea why she did all these things she hated. She felt like a fraud and a failure and a lot of things that weren't good. She'd be feeling like she was sitting two inches back in her head and screaming 'stop it' in her mind while L did what L would do. Point being, C knew she was acting in ways she would not act. It never occurred to her back then it was someone else besides her acting that way. For me, having a decent degree of co con helped feed my own denial. It's way easier for me to understand I have DID when I lose time and lack co con.

I have had times in life where I was kinda aware of my own surroundings, but not been an active participant in it. Sometimes I just float in and out of awareness, like it's some weird dream state... half paying mind to life half living in my head. It's floaty, disorientating... like walking through saline solution, half here half gone, living in a bubble of me right in the middle of life somehow apart from it while in it. I have moments of clarity and lucidity in times like those but it seems few and far between when I'm like that... like reality is just out of reach to me and usually I don't want reality in my reach when I get like that. I might think I do, but it's temporary and I dunno. I don't much like living like that, but it has happened before and might well happen again. *shrugs* And I have no idea if any of that made any sense.

I also hope to that you know I have no thoughts about you thinking DID is cool or wanting to have it or anything. I completely understand wanting to understand things. I'm all about asking questions and trying to figure things out. I tend to look at stuff like this as if you don't try to get it figured, how you ever gonna get it figured? I'm always poking my own head stuff with a stick. It can be brutal, no doubt about that.

-V

[elevatedsoul]

i just have this problem...
i cant say what i might like or dislike... because i dunno anymore... i mean... everything... nothing...
i can never make my mind up so i always just grab at whatever is closest if that makes any sense...?
so its like... i end up doing things that i dont want for sure... alot of times deperosnalized watching... and just thinking to myself this is weird here im doing it again i dont understand why...
but ive came up with every excuse i can to explain it away from anything dissociative related...
but its getting worse... the disorientation .. im starting to get so confused... forgetting where im at... who i am.. who im with... whats goin on and blabla...
im thinking it must be 1 of 2 things... dissociative related... or some kind of brain issue...
and you gotta just imagine how scary that is... to be experiencing all of this and being faced with the reality that something may be really failing with your brain, the thing you valued most in your whole life... feels like nothing left to live for... already dont have friends... cant make friends... im just scared and alone and tired... and i just want it to be something that i can make better... something i dont need surgery for..

[peaches100]

Elevated Soul,

I don't frequent PC much anymore, but I read your messages, and I would like to make a few comments.

First of all, nobody here on PC should be making judgements about whether you do or don't have DID. Nobody should be calling you a fraud. All they know about you is what they read here. There is much about you that they don't know.

Also, if they are not a professionally trained psychologist or mental health worker, they aren't qualified to make a judgement call on what your diagnosis is!

In addition, if certain people here think you are manipulative, they aren't required to read your posts. They an simply skip reading them.

I don't see how calling you a fraud or manipulative helps anyone. It just causes disruption and division at PC.

You sound anxious and worried about what is wrong with you. That's understandable. But it's not possible to know everything at once. Right now, things feel like a crisis. So don't try to figure everything out. Just take one step at a time. Address the crisis. What can you do to calm your mind down? Gentle music? Nature? Slow, deep breathing? Just focus on getting through the "now."

Picture putting all of the worries and anxiety to the side. Can you picture putting it in a lock box temporarily? It's not going anywhere. You can go back to problem solving later, when you feel more stable and your t can guide you through it.

It's OK not to have all the answers right now. Just work on getting through the next hour. Then the next. It feels scary, I know! But you're going to be OK.

If you can't get yourself calmed down enough, and need help from your t or a crisis line, let yourself have what you need. Do whatever you can to feel safe.

I'm sorry about your friend. I've been through rejection by friends for my mental health problems also, and it hurts terribly. But put that pain into the lock box for now also. You can address the friendship issue later. Your wellbeing is more important right now.

[elevatedsoul]

i gonna have to...
T wanted me to feel things, but its too much, she doesnt know what shes doing
im just gonna have to get rid of my feelings ... i hate feelings.. i hate the world.. i hate my life... i hate this planet...

[Solnutty]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

i gonna have to...
T wanted me to feel things, but its too much, she doesnt know what shes doing
im just gonna have to get rid of my feelings ... i hate feelings.. i hate the world.. i hate my life... i hate this planet...

I've been there, with a T who wanted me to feel things and it was too much, and she didn't know what she was doing. It totally destabilized me. I have another T who knows what she's doing. She's working on getting me stable, and I'm doing far better. Good ones are out there. I agree about putting the pain in a box for now. For me, it's not time for that. I'm not ready and that's okay. The important thing is to get safe and functioning.

[elevatedsoul]

i think im quiting therapy for now, its kinda wacky... she's really a nice lady but i dont think she can help me very much...

i didn't think she could help me when i first went in there, but ya know how it goes... some part of you gets a little excited because they feel like maybe they can help and they get attached and then next thing you know you just all our of shape because you trusting this T to help but she cant help and you're doing worse than before and everythings going crazy and you dont know what to do any its just crazy stuff...

i just not sure if i will ever get to address these problems because i dnno if i ever will beable to afford the right treatment..

but the important thing right now is to stay focused... i need to stabilize this chatoic mess, just enough to where i can start making a few steps forward and those few steps will stabilize me further.. i just need to be able to get some income coming in so that i can take care of myself, taking care of myself will show myself that i can trust and rely on myself and that i will take care of myself and protect myself and that things will be ok, that will stabilize things the most i think, and plus give me the money i need to get the "medications" that i know work the most for me; if you know what i mean?

because my entire life i have felt like i have not been taken care of, no one been able to take care of me... abandoned... lost, left behind, no needs met, i need to change that and I need to be the one that shows that I can do it and that IM going to take care of MYSELF and that I am going to PROTECT MYSELF and keep MYSELF SAFE

....
stability is my focus... happiness is my goal...

[Fuzzybear]

(((((( elevatedsoul )))))))

If anyone thinks you're being "manipulative" etc they can skip your posts. Thinking of you

Such judgements aren't particularly helpful and as someone else said, would tend to cause division. That isn't what we're here for

[elevatedsoul]

yeah... i didnt really understand it either... i felt attacked, cornered, centered out or whatever you know... i mean i write a lot i know. but its just... i don't talk a lot in real life, i mean i didn't.
i'm trying to change that, now. you know?

its so much easier to type than it is to talk, my fingers are faster than my mouth... i've been typing for many many years and it just comes easily, freely, i dont even think about what i want to say when typing most of the time anymore its just an automatic response type thing and i just lay out my thoughts... but in life, i dont react that way, i feel distant, i have to keep myself away from people.. people hurt you, people are dangerous... dont let people know your insides because they will use it against you...

lately i've just been trying to stop giving a damn though... when i went to rehab a girl in there kept saying "you know how many ****s i give? ZERO, ZERO ****S" and im like, you know what? thats whats up... i really should care less, what they think really doesnt mean jack... its me, this is my experience and they cant see what i see... even if i try to explain it they still wont get it, so only the ones that want to TRY their HARDEST to understand just MIGHT understand a little... so why should i care....

but maybe having all this stupid **** posted here can be sort of like a big folder for me... a file that i can maybe keep and show to a nice therapist one day thats really good... and maybe they can look at some of it and understand me, finally, someone maybe can understand me...?

you know what i mean? so im not posting for other peoples enjoyment... im posting for myself... i like to hear from other people, i like to hear advice, i like to hear encouragement... i like to hear kind words... but people have gone silent on me and thats ok... im too much... i lose all my friends because of my problems, i should of expected that everyone here become tired of my problems too

it just makes me sad.... i want to have friends really bad....
but i dont want to think about that.... i have to stay focused....

[amandalouise]

I just want to point out something here. no one posted anything to elevated soul that elevated soul was playing and manipulating others.

here is what happened...

in another thread a member was trying to help elevated soul
after receiving replies Elevated soul would edit their posts that was being replied to.

this changed the whole meaning and problem being posted, twisting and turning the posts into things that made the problem suddenly seem worse or manipulating on others feelings. when ever no one replied the problems became worse when someone replied the problems becaome dont worry Im ok I just need help with this...

this went on back and forth to the point where the new member said you know what I feel like Im being played so Im not going to reply anymore. (stating their own feeling, not accusing elevated soul)

yes I can see how elevated soul took that to heart and felt like that member was accusing them...

and to be honest I too felt the same way as the member who was trying to help elevated soul because of all of the editing and twisting and turning of the posts that was going on. I too needed to take a break from elevated souls posts and did so. And yes I reporting the posts that I saw that were containing suicidal, self injuring and editing after receiving replys changing the meanings of the posts because i did not know whether this was for real, for attention or preying on others.

I know its so easy elevated soul to take things personally like this but you have to understand when you edit your posts ......after ......receiving replies in a way to include more severe things like suicidal/ self injury and changing the post to look worse then originally posted of course people are going to wonder whether this is for real or not or whether someone is playing/ manipulating others for attention....

heres a suggestion that might help..... instead of editing your posts, click reply to your post then make another post in the thread... if the changes are happening due to changes/ mood swings, or parts say so in the posts so that every reading knows whats going on.

we cant read your mind on whats going on so you need to let us know, otherwise it does look like manipulation when one edits their posts after receiving replies and threatening drinking, drugs, suicide and self injury when not getting replies.

like I said before to you when you did this to me awhile ago..you dont have to get worse to get attention and replies from me, I just need to understand what you are doing and what you are trying to say in your posts. its the twisting turning, editing after receiving replies that makes me feel like I am being used an such other thoughts. that causes me to have to shut off my pms and posts to you. I will be glad to help out where I can but I cant be someones therapist here.

[elevatedsoul]

im apologize, i really do see how it appears that way, and how it may be that way.
but please see it from my side

i am an individual that has never had any needs met (ok some needs like basic shelter but lets not go into that detail), i am afraid of people, i am afraid of help, but desperately need help, desperately reaching out, but afraid to trust anyone, anywhere, i am trying very hard, in everyway that i can to get well in every aspect of my life... im just going through a great deal of things currently, a great deal of stress, and great deal of life changing decisions that are shaking me to the core...

i wasn't editing the posts to try to sound more dramatic... i dont remember half of this stuff... everything i said was true... its just that the ways i said things make me sound crazy... i know im losing my mind... my mental state is falling apart, or is recognizing itself as fallen apart...
from the other forums i use, the reason why i would edit my posts instead of replying is because there are rules against "Spam" so spaming your own thread to get your post count up would get your account banned... so maybe this rule is what causes me to edit my posts instead of reply... i'll try to reply instead from now on though if that is allowed and prefered...

i am in no way seeking attention... i am reaching out for help... i know that it sounds really bad sometimes... but thats because it really is really bad.... its just that i've been "programed" my entire life to hide it... and im fighting on several levels ... and its coming through... stuff just aint working right anymore... and its time for some repairs i guess... changes, i dunno, i dont wanna keep talking about it too much though because it makes me feel sad

i just dont want anyone to feel like im the kind of person that is like ::

im feeling sad... i wish someone here would talk to me...

... ... ... ahem....
im really deperssed, someone talk to mee......

im having suicidal ideations n im gonna ... ect ect... you get the picture...

thats not me... thats not whats going on... i would like to say, i promise, but words hold little weight on the internet so i dont really know what else to say... i hope that my testimony is good enough... just try not to listen to me too much when i get ... like that... i mean listen to me please! just... i really need help.. i dunno... i still really need help even though im sounding different, im not afraid to admit it... and im really scared...
because i don't understand whats happening to me....
and its really scary you know? i dont want to look back too much, but i know things have been really not cool, i dont know whats been going on and i dont know what im going to do to make it all better ... my anxiety is really high because of all this and i feel really really really alone

sigh

i am very insecure about my feelings... so all this confusion really sucks...

[elevatedsoul]

i really am sorry... im raw... un filtered...
i don't know whats wrong with me...