[TrailRunner14]

That may be a stupid question, but I'm trying to sort out exactly what it is.

Is it a part of me that needs to be understood?

or

Is it just a reaction/defense to not accept what is or was? Resistance?

It's not intentional on my part. I guess that is what is making me want to understand it.

I would like very much to hear anyone's thoughts.

[Solnutty]

I had a denial part. At first I thought she was just an attitude. She would attack me and other parts with accusations and statements of denial. She told me not to listen to other parts, and that everything they said was lies. She said I was just making up this DID stuff for attention, that the abuse was never that bad, that I got the idea of this mental stuff out of articles I'd read. All kinds of stuff. And I really believed these were just my own thoughts, and half the time I agreed with them. It eventually became obvious she was a part, and since then I've gotten to know her. Her name is Yellow, she used to resemble one of my abusers too, and would use her image to frighten me away from looking into my past or connecting with anyone else in the system. She was doing this because it was her job to ensure that I remained sane and normal looking to myself and the outside. If I found out about all of them and my hidden memories the system would no longer function the same, which in her mind was unacceptable. My T talked to her and helped her understand that her concerns no longer apply, that life is very different now and that we need her to help in different ways. Right after that the internal comments and the fear went down to almost nothing. Sometimes she even talks to me

[yagr]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

That may be a stupid question...

Seriously? You know what I'm going to say to this already don't you? So I don't have to actually say it right?

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Is it a part of me that needs to be understood?

or

Is it just a reaction/defense to not accept what is or was? Resistance?

I'm not entirely sure that I understand your question here but let me take a whack at it anyway. There are lots of ways to look at the question, 'Who am I?' From my perspective, I'm Angel. From my T's perspective, I'm Angel, Sonseearae, Lori, Micah and a one more who hasn't shared his name.

So, to your first question: Is it a part of me that needs to be understood? Depends on perspective. Angel really doesn't feel the need to be understood by anyone but there are certainly those within my system who want - even desperately need to be understood. So if I am Angel - then no. If I am all my parts, then yes.

As to your second question: Is it just a reaction/defense to not accept what is or was? Here's something you might find interesting...hmm, this is kind of difficult to figure out how to say this without triggering anyone...ah, found a way...

Angel and Sonseearae have both taken a polygraph test surrounding abuse. We answered differently. We both told the truth according to the examiner. It is not a reaction/defense that we don't accept the same 'is or was' because as far as we're concerned, we've had different experiences despite the body having had the same experiences.

One thing that I do know for certain though (for me) - when I answer the question, "Who am I?" the answer is never, "My body." I am not my body. My body houses who I am.



and to you

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Solnutty

I had a denial part. At first I thought she was just an attitude. She would attack me and other parts with accusations and statements of denial. She told me not to listen to other parts, and that everything they said was lies. She said I was just making up this DID stuff for attention, that the abuse was never that bad, that I got the idea of this mental stuff out of articles I'd read. All kinds of stuff. And I really believed these were just my own thoughts, and half the time I agreed with them. It eventually became obvious she was a part, and since then I've gotten to know her. Her name is Yellow, she used to resemble one of my abusers too, and would use her image to frighten me away from looking into my past or connecting with anyone else in the system. She was doing this because it was her job to ensure that I remained sane and normal looking to myself and the outside. If I found out about all of them and my hidden memories the system would no longer function the same, which in her mind was unacceptable. My T talked to her and helped her understand that her concerns no longer apply, that life is very different now and that we need her to help in different ways. Right after that the internal comments and the fear went down to almost nothing. Sometimes she even talks to me

Thank you!

What you said sounds very real to what I am experiencing right now.

In session with my counselor Monday night, Compliance came completely forward. She was asking honest questions. I believe she was co conscious with me. I was there but my voice didn't sound like me to me.

The next thing I can remember was being frozen. My mind went blank and I couldn't move. I was sitting on the floor with my arms wrapped around my legs.

I remember kind of internally freaking out because I couldn't move or think.

Then the co consciousness kind of snapped back and I just said there were too many thoughts in my mind.

I think that's when Denial stepped in. Compliance was gone. Maybe? It feels like the questions were too honest and heart felt from Compliance. She was getting too close to some needed answers and understanding.

Thank you for what you posted! It's shedding much light on trying to sort this out!

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by yagr

Seriously? You know what I'm going to say to this already don't you? So I don't have to actually say it right?






I'm not entirely sure that I understand your question here but let me take a whack at it anyway. There are lots of ways to look at the question, 'Who am I?' From my perspective, I'm Angel. From my T's perspective, I'm Angel, Sonseearae, Lori, Micah and a one more who hasn't shared his name.


So, to your first question: Is it a part of me that needs to be understood? Depends on perspective. Angel really doesn't feel the need to be understood by anyone but there are certainly those within my system who want - even desperately need to be understood. So if I am Angel - then no. If I am all my parts, then yes.


As to your second question: Is it just a reaction/defense to not accept what is or was? Here's something you might find interesting...hmm, this is kind of difficult to figure out how to say this without triggering anyone...ah, found a way...


Angel and Sonseearae have both taken a polygraph test surrounding abuse. We answered differently. We both told the truth according to the examiner. It is not a reaction/defense that we don't accept the same 'is or was' because as far as we're concerned, we've had different experiences despite the body having had the same experiences.


One thing that I do know for certain though (for me) - when I answer the question, "Who am I?" the answer is never, "My body." I am not my body. My body houses who I am.






and to you

Hug and love back to you my friend!

Your first reply made me smile.

It's a lot to sort out.

What you say about Angel and Sonseearae seeing things differently are touching on something.

I wonder if Denial could be a sort of dissociation in the moment. I don't know if that makes sense, but I can't find the words right now.

My memories shut off into blackness. Dissociation in the moment.

So. It would make sense that if Compliance was asking honest questions that were too close for comfort then Denial/dissociation stepped in and did what it usually did.

Does that make sense?

Somehow it does to me.

I don't know.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

That may be a stupid question, but I'm trying to sort out exactly what it is.

Is it a part of me that needs to be understood?

or

Is it just a reaction/defense to not accept what is or was? Resistance?

It's not intentional on my part. I guess that is what is making me want to understand it.

I would like very much to hear anyone's thoughts.

Yes, we too had a denial part that straight up adamnt and was all it did...but as for others...

Some are in denial...especially the proud ones....because who wants to admit that they are mentally ill...that there is something wrong with them?

Coming fresh off the delusion of being normal, denial runs rampant through the system. After awhile...the deniers turn into doubters who in turn turn into belivers through acceptance, and believers turn into told you so'ers....lol

It's been 2 plus years now since our great awakening (see join date)...and we are pretty much crossing into system wide acceptance of the fact. Some are good with it (like me), some hate it, fear it, sick of it, scared by it, reject it, pissed about it,....

Are we getting better? Could be...because now we are all close to being united in our common miserable condition- DID.

[ruh roh]

I have a bit of a different take, which is maybe just specific to how it works in my case, but none of us is identified by a single emotion or response. Some have more dominant reactions to triggers but they are more rounded and distinct than just that. So with the case of being in denial, which has been a big issue, I can't say that it's just one. But I am still trying to understand how it works for me so it's all in discovery phase. I ask questions, and my therapist asks questions. So that's what I would do with your denial--keep asking.

[whispers_inthedark]

it was a reaction for me. it went away after two years of realizing what was going on. long time to take, but i barely ever have denial of what's happening in my head now.