[Amyjay]

I had lunch with my abusers today. My father and mother. they picked me up from my home and took me to a café. i didn't' want to go but i had no ability to say no. Since starting therapy at the beginning of this year i have connected with different parts of my self and know some of what they went through. So while sitting there in the café looking at my mother and father and not wanting to be there with all of my being i kept having flashes of things that he did to parts of me and things she saw but did nothing about. I don't want to see those people. I don't love them I don't like them and I don't want to be near them. but how to get up the courage to protect myself?? I don't know how to do that. I couldn't' get away from them soon enough. When I got home I slept an uneasy sleep for a while and since then I've felt ill. I feel dissociated and sick. I want to vomit.
My therapist goes on maternity leave in a couple weeks. Parts of me are very distressed about that. It feels like we will be left alone with the abusers and no means of protecting ourselves. It feels like here will be no option but to shut down and deny self and pretend everything is alright.
But it isn't at all.
I don't know what I want from posting this. Maybe just to get it out of my head.

[Amyjay]

I just realized I am a bit dissociated right now and need to use some grounding techniques. Sometimes it takes me a while to get that.

Personally...I just dont see where continuing a relationship with your abusers is a must. I walked out of my parents lives for 20 years (and 2 U.S. states away) before trying to reconnect. Our father we are done with forever, but our mom we are good with because she had good intent (just a little harsh, but as influenced by our father's beatings).

I hope things get better and pray that you get strength to carry on.