[elevatedsoul]

im coming to believe there really is this incommunicable Truth that can only be seen or experienced by the observer...

i do indeed look far and wide... deep and shallow... directly and indirectly...

strip myself naked of conventional ideas and beliefs and approach bewildered with awe and curiosity...

so i know that i must be eccentric...
or viewing the world in a far deeper way than most people care to...

i don't have the answers nor do i know everything... that would be foolish of me to think such a thing... however i am interested in knowing and believe it is possible, somehow, some how to transcend this ignorance and access a much deeper knowledge that exists 'within' (or without)

such as the mind knowing how to do these things like splitting, a baby knowing how to find the mothers nipple at birth, all of these knowings that seemingly are outside or within..?

i have been trying to get back into my motivated state again... as an intellectual.. to snap out of whatever funk i fell into... and to start educating myself more again... and i feel like i am going through another awakening, i have had several :/ dont know how many it takes to really get it together

and i have been starting to see things differently, sense things out of order... i have been reading into physics and philosophy again and stretching my mind around quantum physics and quantum entanglement... lots of theories... theology... creation... contemplating the meaning of things, existence, trying to figure out my life plan and how to fix my life in the mix of it, trying to cope with the drama and stress of life, and i know that i am stressed and going through a lot but education is important to me... i like to learn about things like this, about the world i live in, the world around me, what makes up the world, the universe... i guess seeking the understanding is like seeking god for me

i know this is becoming long winded and in the dissociative thread and im just wanting to post here as i feel like my dissociative experiences sort of help me understand what im reading better, being able to understand from a personal view the entanglement of things and how they can affect each other, being disconected, yet connected.. seemingly at a distance... which the distance is apparently nonexistent... atleast in this realm...

saying this what im wondering is really far out there... if i have been flipping realities... or dislocating myself on one string and swapping places with another 'field'... or having these other realities influences push and pull in on me or the entanglement of other dimensional equivalents of what i am weighing in on what i am doing... having maybe both negative and positive affects...

the feeling i get is really strange, which i know could just be attributed to the derealization or what have you...
but its as if walking in a thousand places(the same position, just different realities) instantaneously, or having a thousand footsteps too
i really have lost myself a long time ago but this feeling causes you to just be confused, like where really am i? where really am i going?
like having many thoughts.. but no thoughts at all.. because in this life i was taught that i am singular, i live on the earth, i have a body and a mind and possibly a soul, and thats that

it can be blocked out, but ive been trying to pay attention lately..

i just dunno what i am supposed to do with all of my questions and all of the things i find because everything i think about scares the **** out of everyone i know besides for a couple that are interested but dont take it to the same scale and probably just think im crazy too

i know a good handful of great minds drove themselves mad over things like this and i dont want the same outcome... but really... im already mad arent i...? and i am just trying to come back from the precipice of insanity...

its hard enough dealing with drama... even harder adding depression... then anxiety... then financial problems... ptsd... then dissociation... and everything else... and topping it off with an inquisitive mind seeking for things that only a handful of people on earth are even interested in...?

i just wish that my memory would perk up so that i could recall these things... to be able to talk about it... and better seek and make myself well

i am wondering if anyone has similar experience with this kind of thing and dissociation, if my mind is just playing me in a weakened state... or if i am viewing the horizon of tomorrows ... secrets...?

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

...an inquisitive mind seeking for things that only a handful of people on earth are even interested in...

...viewing the horizon of tomorrows ... secrets...?

Yes, something like that, and you likely understand all of that broadens for us in proportion to our ever-increasing awareness and knowledge of how much we do not know. Just be certain to never wander aimlessly or too far at once lest we lose sight of what we know and not be able to find the way back so we can set the trash at the curb on the appropriate day.

[elevatedsoul]

yeah...

last night i tried to do a meditation to align myself ..
my feet started to go numb so i stopped even though i started to feel the energy

when i layed back in the bed in the dark i was looking at the ceiling and it was as if i was looking at the night sky... appeared to see the stars as well as other lights dancing around...

trying to focus on the dancing lights it finally seemed to be like a smoke screen and a beam of light that i could see moving through the smoke... eventually it was as if i was able to call it to me where i looked up through the light beam until i was distracted by my nephew that is staying in my room as well for now that was supposed to be sleeping... it was around 12am or 1am...

its just something to keep me from thinking about the bad things... to give me hope...
maybe... i dunno... i want so much to change and make changes... trying so hard...
but sometimes feels like maybe im not trying at all... and i start to see myself the way everyone else must see me...

my self esteem and confidence exists on many levels... it is fractured...

trying to think of a metaphor to explain myself... my feelings of myself...

i feel like i may feel as an AI might would feel when he would look at a human and desire to have what they have... the AI feeling as if himself is conscious and able to make decisions... yet feels so empty and void, lacking substance... seeing how things should be trying to create in himself the world of the humans mind... but always coming short for being different... feeling like he is nothing at all, but having many sides to his very existence that is separated compartments that dont intermingle... but as codes become executed they run when initiated by outside influence... whether manually or automatically...

i am just un able to come up with anything that can get across my feelings... the message i want to convey... i dont feel human i dont feel like i have a life, actually i really dont... as i can't do anything nor have i dont anything with my life... not even finished school, had a girl to love, moved out, lived, all i do is try to survive...

im tired of surviving, i want a life, a career, to go somewhere with my aspirations...
not to be a prisoner of war any more

but then again... maybe there is no such thing as free will...

[dlantern]

It resonates, I like to bask in our differences. It is quite a wonderful way to express ourselves, I feel so connected to what can be the long term potential. It can be horrifiying though, those feelings when things need to be done the fogginess flightiness especially if you have struggles with intelligence like myself.

[elevatedsoul]

sorry about my weird post...

i guess i get in states that are a bit disconnected...
im still not connected as usual but...

im just depressed i guess

i just read about things like Chi and the life force and believe that we are all connected and unified and... have strange ideas and thoughts about the universe and existence...

just not able to understand why im afflicted with these negative effects when i try to practice so much good...

i am highly sensitive and absorb other peoples energy around me, their emotions and feelings... thoughts... quickly causing emotional instability inside of me... where i cant control... i guess instead of reading and researching so much of these things i really need to learn to hone these other things and learn to control myself and surroundings...

its why i isolate and like to be alone because my energy is more pure, unaffected and im able to just be and able to focus and work on myself but these others come in and intrude on my fields and i guess i have no idea how to protect myself and their energy permeates me and causes a great deal of distress...

since being a child its been that way, submissive... because i am still a frightened child... unable to protect myself... but im so complex as well... in ways i cant understand because other energies will come out of me and either resolve the issue/conflict or create a bigger problem which is not normal for me as i like to just go away and not deal with it and isolate... but maybe its part of healing and parts of me are trying to come out and help... like trying to teach me how to behave or how i can do things different...

it makes me just want to hide in a hole though because it is so tiresome and draining... i dont want to experience it and go through changes like this all i want is to be at peace and dont know why people cant just stop causing problems for me; but i know the world is full of problems and i know that its only going to get worse as i grow older... as my parents die... and so on... left on my own... without help... i need financial help so bad i dont know what i am going to do... praying to who ever is listening to help deliver me social security benefits temporarily so i can get treatment to get myself better to be able to get myself into a career...

so scared... i dont know what i am going to do... all i can do is really sit back and try to keep myself alive, survive, try to take care of myself, and hope that something good will work out for me... because every moment of the day is such a hard struggle...
so damn scared that nothing is going to come my way though... and all i hear in the back of my mind is... suicide... suicide... suicide....

[RubyRae]

Stumbled upon this site and thought of you...

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com

[elevatedsoul]

its cool website...
lots cool stuff there
thanks