big problem..

i went out trying to relax and blow some steam off thinking that being around some other people and having some fun would make me feel better and it kind of backfired... bad...

i was dissociating a great deal.. and didnt know what to do...
didnt know how to tell anyone around me or how to react...
i was gone for like 5 days and it just got worse because i didnt have my meds i think... plus getting high and not sleeping very much..

i tried to fight it really hard and stay grounded but i couldn't... and i think they started talking about me, cross talking like right in front of me because i was getting so dissociated i couldnt really realize what was going on or respond it was making it worse... making me paranoid... thinking that everyone was thinking bad about me or thinking i was crazy or something... like they were planning to do something to me and i couldnt relax...
couldn't focus... had voices inside my mind that were odd... mixing with outside conversations and the outside conversations not making alot of sense and being really confused like i wasn't able to process the information...

it felt like my mind divided greatly or walls went up...

was triggered bad by something that happened while gone, and then having another thing happen and then i think expecting something else or not sure what was going on...

so confused... now i think they are going to think that i am insane or have multiple personalities and i dont really even know what happened... just really hoping that i didnt black out because i haven't been able to get a clear answer out of anyone yet... they are like gangsters you know so its not easy to be out with them i guess...

i screwed up so bad... but its not my fault... i couldn't do anything to control it, i tried to make it stop and i feel so ****** about it...
i wanted to behave so differently but i couldnt do anything... visual distortions and everyting was ruining my ability to function...

think maybe i became psychotic even... im just scared that maybe i do have multiple personalities and now all of them know and i dont even know about it yet...

its all so blurry and i know they had to been talking about me but i was so dissociative i couldn't focus...

i just feel like i remember hearing them talk about my eyes and that they were darting back and forth...

feel like they took pictures of me and laughed at me...

feel so ******... i tried to lock in on a strong point of who i am but everything was so melted... i was so... disoriented... i dont know what to do... how am i going to fix this?

i cant have them thinking that i am weak... i feel so pathetic...
i couldn't even **** a girl because my mind was splitting so bad...
i think a few girls even were all over me but i dont really remember... i just kind of feel like at some point that was happening and they were trying to get me laid or something... but maybe i was hallucinating that...

i dont know what happened... i cant do this, how am i supposed to do this... how do you do this...?
i ****ing hate this... i am sick of it controlling me... sick of not being a person...

****ing sick of this ****... and its getting worse... like i try harder, i am better, but when its bad, its really bad... i just wish i did not forget my meds... maybe things would of been different... maybe i wouldn't of freaked out so bad... maybe i would of found a lover or new love... now i just made myself look ****ing insane and think that everyone wants nothing to do with me now...

im sick of this... makes me wish i was dead... because how can i make this better...