[ACrystalGem]

Larry, my teenage boy alter, was able to share with our therapist a few days ago. He spoke of the time he was formed - swapping places with Lizzie (toddler girl), who couldn't handle what was happening.

Trigger: Upsetting animal & child cruelty:
The abuse sometimes involved animals, where I would have to play a cat & one of the men would be a dog (always a group of men in these situation). Sometimes there would be a real dog that they would make do things to me, or just scare me.
End of Trigger

As an adult, there have been 2 times when I've gone into playing a cat whilst having (positive) sex, with people I trusted. When I realised a few years later, what this was harking back to, I felt intense shame about it. But when I told my therapist about it, she just listened - didn't judge me, tell me I was lying, or look disgusted (that's happened before with other therapists). I felt some immense relief - it was the first time I'd ever told anyone about this part of the abuse I survived.

And then I realised that my voice had dropped to a different register - it was Larry speaking directly to the therapist! With one exception, my alters rarely speak out loud to other people. So to hear Larry's voice out loud was strange - I felt embarrassed a little, and proud at the same time. That on top o the relief at finally sharing something about the animal stuff. I'm definitely proud of Larry for opening up; he's usually a brooding, quiet but angry alter.

It's strange having such a positive outcome, when these episodes of my past made me so ashamed and afraid before. I'm counting this as a win.

[Loose Screw x 2]

Good for you. Facing bad memories and bringing them out and showing them to someone who cares is a good thing. I hope that you continue to have other victories.
I have an uncomfortable desire too that I'm very ashamed of. I struggle against it when it shows up. It started when I was 14 and I fight it when it shows up. I believe that a lot of people who are sexually abused learn some of their desires during the abuse and for a lot of people it changes the course of what they prefer. It's not fair but, young minds are impressionable and it's difficult to try to change what we're used to doing, what we have always done. I hope that I never give in to the one that bothers me from time to time but, I have no doubt that some of my other desires stem from abuse as well.

Congratulations again on this triumph. Clearly you're a tough customer when it comes to facing your inner emotions.

[ACrystalGem]

Thanks for this.

I also love your signature! I used to be a massive fan of Dragon Ball Z

[Loose Screw x 2]

Originally Posted by ACrystalGem

Thanks for this.

I also love your signature! I used to be a massive fan of Dragon Ball Z

Thank you. Yeah, it's a reference to my schizophrenia. I love DBZ too.