[toomanycats]

So, I went to my normal T session this afternoon with C (my T), arrived 40 min early, parked in the parking garage to take a phone call for work before my session. As I was setting up the call, a man came up to my car, opened my passenger-side door, and reached in (he was attempting to steal my purse or to get into my car to see what else he could find, not sure which or both). I was right there, of course... I hollered at him, and he closed the door and fled along with a girl who was behind my car.

I called the police, who came out, took my statement, including my ridiculously accurate description (holy crap, guys...PTSD brains are incredibly good at taking in a million details in a millisecond). They were able to find them both, they drove me over, and I identified them....all just in time for me to get into my session on time.

I describe it all so calmly, but that's the problem -- I am going haywire. I had an AWFUL therapy session.... absolutely horrible... I was totally amped up at first, talking about what happened, but then my whole "I want to pretend this never happened" mechanism kicked in and I purposefully told C I was shoving it all away to move on. We wound up talking about a topic I had only half-heartedly brought up (a topic I'd meant to bring in today, but I didn't check myself, I should never have tried).

It turned into a nightmare of parts blasting out -- I said things about him not understanding the parts thing, him minimizing it (because he referred to a part as if it was just a 'feeling' - we are just at the very beginning of talking parts, and he knows...nothing, really, and I'm not sure even what I've shared with him and what I haven't...).

It turned into a serious discussion of whether or not we could work together. He said he had no idea what he was doing - this really upset me - I said I didn't want to work with someone who had no idea what he was doing -- that's literally what I was doing with S. I asked him if he even could ethically work with me anymore given that he just admitted to not knowing what he was doing. He said he hadn't considered it but now maybe should.

Absolute. **** storm. I was so fragmented - I went from rage to sobbing... shove to cling... and honestly I feel like he was totally lost, angry at me too, and just...I don't know if we'll get through this or not.

He wasn't able to comprehend, it seemed, that he was talking to about 3-4 different parts at once. He keeps going back to seemingly being ok not understanding, putting the entire onus of clarifying this on me without any sort of guidance as to how to clarify it for him since I have already done my damndest, making comments that sound as if they are nothing more than "a feeling I have," which is minimizing and awful, and it's absolute mayhem in my brain.

Sorry, I got side tracked

Point is, minor trauma occurred suddenly this afternoon, and I maybe shouldn't have gone in directly after...I thought he'd be the best person to contain me...but he clearly didn't. Can't. He said something about entertaining the idea that he might not be the best person to work with me - I lost it. Like how did we end up in THIS conversation literally minutes after a trauma?....

And what is going on in my brain? It's mayhem and I'm so terrified of what big changes might be being made while I'm stuck in this chaos.

I'm trying to parse out what's going on in my head.

I didn't even realize what'd happened right away -- but my body did. When I realized I needed to call the police, I noticed my hands were shaking like crazy. I realized fight or flight had activated when he'd opened my car door. I realized, also, that the part of me that handles these sorts of crises with absolute calm had taken over.

I laughed mostly.... on the phone and with the police. I think the police officer realized adrenaline was still pumping, but I wasn't aware (he mentioned something about possibly remembering more when the adrenaline stopped pumping and I'd had some time to calm down from it all).

It was C who, in session, pointed out the obvious: that the guy had been going for my purse on my front seat. I hadn't realized this, and the realization actually brought a whole new layer of feelings...

See, til then, I thought the guy didn't see I was in the car. But, now, I realize he possibly DID see I was in the car, also saw my purse on the front seat, and thought he'd be able to grab it before I noticed him. The idea that he knew I was there somehow makes it all worse... I suppose because that makes it feel like a more personal attack... like he saw me, saw a potential victim, and attempted to rob me. Which is so totally different than he saw my property, didn't think anyone was there, and got caught in the act. (That scenario, I guess, leaves me feeling powerful...and fortunate.)

^ all of this just started coming to me in the last hour. So, I guess I'm processing.

Until now, I've just been a mess of reactions.

Group T pointed out just yesterday that the angry part, who I call 13 by the way, is actually quite protective of me -- this is not at ALL how I saw that part. But, she pointed out that that part is trying to protect me by making sure that my entire focus is on staying safe -- not on any other 'distracting' relationships (husband, children, Ts). I have never seen it this way...until today.

Perhaps, and I'm not sure, but perhaps 13 was reacting as she did in session today as a huge backlash to my even being there being the reason why someone tried to rob me. Reacting HARSHLY to try and destroy the entire relationship immediately to prevent this happening again. Oh...I'm literally realizing this as I type.... oh... see I wish C could've helped me realize this, and I do feel like Group T might've been able to where C can't....

But I do not want to work with Group T as my individual T..... I do not want to leave C. I want to work with C.
Now have appointment with him tomorrow at least...
I feel insane.

[Amyjay]

I think it is okay to be compassionate with your self and all your parts about what erupted in session yesterday after the trauma. In the circumstances it was what it was and you did the best you could at the time. In those particular circumstances the variation of human response based on unique human experience is an unknown quantity. it wasn't predictable or foreseeable, but more like "hang on to your seat fellas, and hope for the best!"
Maybe it is also okay to be compassionate with your t about him not reacting in the best way to the traumatic responses unfolding in the room before him. He too was likely hanging on to his seat and hoping for the best as he tried to respond the changes in you. (A good T for dissociative disorders doesn't have to know everything, just be really open to learning.)
Its good you are able to continue processing and see T again tomorrow. I wouldn't make any hasty decisions based on how your last session unfolded. Hopefully you will be feeling more grounded tomorrow.

I had a similarly bad session yesterday. I went to see t immediately after something traumatic, and knowing that more trauma would follow after the session. I was unable to communicate with t and we entered an even deeper traumatic state in session when stuff that triggers into an "about to be abused space" was happening around the therapy room. T was unable to help in any way at all. We just wanted to leave so we could feel at least a little less traumatized.
But yesterday was an anomaly. The trauma before, the trauma during, the trauma that was going to happen after. It was a one off (I hope!) session. Parts don't want to return at this stage but we just have to wait until the internal reactions settle down and take another look at it then.

Good luck tomorrow. I hope you are able to feel calmer, more stable, more in control.

(((((hugs))))))