[toomanycats]

I just want to know if anyone else has ever experienced this, or if I'm taking things wayyyy too far/thinking wayyyy too much...

I have been in the midst of a difficult situation with my therapist as I have been trying to determine if he is safe to talk to about 'parts stuff.' We have frustratingly attempted to talk, but I couldn't get anywhere, because any time I began talking, two words in, I just...couldn't. Stuck in the conundrum of "I can't talk to you about 'parts stuff' until I know if you are safe to talk to about it; I can't know if you're safe to talk to about it unless we talk about it."

Anyways, point is...today, I woke up, and all of the barriers seemed to be gone. Like. I was just "I'm gonna get s*** done." I could talk freely about it, use words I couldn't get out of my mouth. And, the other parts, that I'm usually always hearing and who always also seem to be hearing what's going on out here and responding to it, were just...not. Not there. No sense of them. And I was able to handle miscommunications from purely this adult, logical, not personally attached level as if I was just there to negotiate the terms for someone else. Without little parts getting hurt. Without angry parts throwing out barriers. But, every once in a while, I became aware that I felt... "part-y" ... is that a thing?

And, so, even while writing this - it's like... I still feel.... "part-y" -- as if I'm talking about a situation that I worked out for someone else. But I don't feel like "not me." I feel like "me."

So, my question... 1. would "I" know if I were a "part?" (Can parts know they are parts when out? Can parts NOT know they are parts when out? This is so confusing.) and 2. Does anyone relate to this at all or am I speaking gibberish?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I just want to know if anyone else has ever experienced this, or if I'm taking things wayyyy too far/thinking wayyyy too much...

I have been in the midst of a difficult situation with my therapist as I have been trying to determine if he is safe to talk to about 'parts stuff.' We have frustratingly attempted to talk, but I couldn't get anywhere, because any time I began talking, two words in, I just...couldn't. Stuck in the conundrum of "I can't talk to you about 'parts stuff' until I know if you are safe to talk to about it; I can't know if you're safe to talk to about it unless we talk about it."

Anyways, point is...today, I woke up, and all of the barriers seemed to be gone. Like. I was just "I'm gonna get s*** done." I could talk freely about it, use words I couldn't get out of my mouth. And, the other parts, that I'm usually always hearing and who always also seem to be hearing what's going on out here and responding to it, were just...not. Not there. No sense of them. And I was able to handle miscommunications from purely this adult, logical, not personally attached level as if I was just there to negotiate the terms for someone else. Without little parts getting hurt. Without angry parts throwing out barriers. But, every once in a while, I became aware that I felt... "part-y" ... is that a thing?

And, so, even while writing this - it's like... I still feel.... "part-y" -- as if I'm talking about a situation that I worked out for someone else. But I don't feel like "not me." I feel like "me."

So, my question... 1. would "I" know if I were a "part?" (Can parts know they are parts when out? Can parts NOT know they are parts when out? This is so confusing.) and 2. Does anyone relate to this at all or am I speaking gibberish?

I can not answer these questions in relation to what this is in you and all that in you.

what I can do is tell you about my own alters and I.

in me when it was like what you described my treatment providers called this integrating/ merging together to become one whole person again (in other words on the path to becoming no longer DID.

in me no my alters did not know they were called alters. you see my alters came into being before I was 5 years old. to them and me they were other people not alternate people. there was no alters thinking of them selves as not human, ... they took control of all physical functions and functioned just like a normal human being....

example rainy did not say or think of her self as an alter or part or substitute for me. she thought of herself as rainy. she performed just like any other child would ... change clothing, make a sandwhich and watch tv.

Thelma did not think of herself as just a part or substitute/ alternate to me, she thought of herself as a teen aged and young adult girl going out to a bar, having a drink and going on dates and having intimate time with those she found interesting and wanted to be intimate with.

even right before they merged together with me they did not say ok Im just the substitute (which is what the term alternate means) and its time for me to mix back together. it was just an natural blending of memories and emotions and so on... everything that she was became mixed together with me.

when I think about it now its only logical my alters did not think of their selves as my substitute/ my parts and my alters. when they were out so to speak the body was theirs the body arm moved when they wanted to move, the legs moved when they wanted to walk or other wise move the legs.....

my point is when I went into a preshool or on a playground to do my therapy work of wrapping my head around how young I was when my alters were created and the abuse happened to me I did not hear any pre school children, no child of any age on the playground say hey guess what Im not really a person Im an alter and this body had dissociative identity disorder. children just dont know those things like mental illnesses and what they mean. so its no surprise to me that my alters did not call their self DID and did not call their self terms like alters, hosts, protectors and so on. they called their selves little girls and Im this old and I like to do this and Im scared and so on. but they did not think or talk in terms of mental health terms. to them they were just like anyone else in this world.

again this is only how I and my own alters were. to find out your answers as they are in you, you will need to talk with your treatment providers. they will tell you how your alters talk about their selves when ever they have taken control during therapy when ever you have gotten triggered into having dissociation during therapy.

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I just want to know if anyone else has ever experienced this, or if I'm taking things wayyyy too far/thinking wayyyy too much...

I have been in the midst of a difficult situation with my therapist as I have been trying to determine if he is safe to talk to about 'parts stuff.' We have frustratingly attempted to talk, but I couldn't get anywhere, because any time I began talking, two words in, I just...couldn't. Stuck in the conundrum of "I can't talk to you about 'parts stuff' until I know if you are safe to talk to about it; I can't know if you're safe to talk to about it unless we talk about it."

Anyways, point is...today, I woke up, and all of the barriers seemed to be gone. Like. I was just "I'm gonna get s*** done." I could talk freely about it, use words I couldn't get out of my mouth. And, the other parts, that I'm usually always hearing and who always also seem to be hearing what's going on out here and responding to it, were just...not. Not there. No sense of them. And I was able to handle miscommunications from purely this adult, logical, not personally attached level as if I was just there to negotiate the terms for someone else. Without little parts getting hurt. Without angry parts throwing out barriers. But, every once in a while, I became aware that I felt... "part-y" ... is that a thing?

And, so, even while writing this - it's like... I still feel.... "part-y" -- as if I'm talking about a situation that I worked out for someone else. But I don't feel like "not me." I feel like "me."

So, my question... 1. would "I" know if I were a "part?" (Can parts know they are parts when out? Can parts NOT know they are parts when out? This is so confusing.) and 2. Does anyone relate to this at all or am I speaking gibberish?

I can't personally relate but if you usually have trouble telling your therapist this then I suggest that you print out this post and take it to a therapy session with you. If you are unable to discuss--you can read it or give it to your therapist.

[kecanoe]

I find it confusing to try to identify who "I" am. I don't know the difference between "me" and a part. The way I currently perceive myself is as a bunch of parts, some of whom have started to think the same way as another. To me, this seems like a step toward integration.

You are not speaking gibberish; this stuff is confusing. I have had experiences similar to yours where suddenly stuff would be coming out of my mouth and I would be thinking "who is saying all of that?" For me, parts being willing to be silent while another was talking was one of the first signs of cooperation among them. While I agree that it was necessary for me to trust the T before I could do the parts thing, I also had to develop some trust amongst my parts.

At this point, usually my parts know when they are "out", and generally the rest of me (whoever that is!) knows which part is out. Sometimes I react in the moment, and then stop and check on who was in charge. Ts and H spot changes sometimes before I do.
So I guess my answer to your first question is that yes, parts can know when they are out. But they don't always.

One thing that I have found helpful is to invite a part to journal. Literally ask myself if the part that was at therapy that day if she would like to say anything, and then just write or type it without analyzing or even really thinking about what is going on paper. Then I ask if anyone else wants to speak. I usually take what I write in to T1; he likes to see what is going on and can make helpful observations. But I don't think that is necessary.

[toomanycats]

Thank you, Hoping and kecanoe

It is confusing. Very confusing. Your saying "I don't know the difference between 'me' and a part is actually really helpful, kecanoe. I do feel like I know the difference between 'me' and some of my parts -- but the degree of 'separateness' varies. The part mentioned in my original post -- that one is not super separate from 'me.' (My language is likely not capturing the essence of this in the best way, but it's the best language I have.)

My parts currently do not speak to one another - they speak to me about one another, but they don't speak to one another. My T says this is something he wants to help facilitate - the beginning of communication between them. It's...really scary to me. I guess because it's not what I'm used to. I'm used to being the filter.

[kecanoe]

It is strange to start to think about parts speaking to each other. I mean, it's just weird, right? But it has been helpful for me. I hope you find that to be the case for you as well. FWIW, having parts communicate seems to be a generally agreed upon step for people with DID.

[TrailRunner14]

I can relate to all of this!

It wasn't too long ago that I was feeling like there really wasn't a "me" just parts shifting forward to do what needed to be done.

I can relate to feeling "part-y" too. It feels, to me, like not being completely forward. Sometimes it really feels like I'm in passenger mode maybe 60% "me" and 40% another part. I've also been stunned, internally, to listen as a conversation comes out of my mouth and I'm wondering where that came from.

I'm not sure about my different parts actually talking to each other. I do know that there is caring and compassion from older parts for the younger parts. They do have opinions that are voiced in my session time with my counselor and that comes very easy.

I haven't really thought about the communication between them before, I don't think. It feels like more of an awareness of each other between them.

There is a 12 year old part that has become an encourager for the younger parts and that comes as a feeling or understanding rather than words. Maybe that is considered communication.

Back to "who is out" mine seems to be who is more up front, and how far back am I?

The part-y feeling is a weird one. I DO feel like "me" but (I'm a hand talker) as I'm talking my hands don't look like they are mine. That is a signal to me that I'm not ALL me at that point.

Journaling, as Kecanoe described, has helped me a great deal. Sometimes I'm surprised what I have written when I go back and read it. It is a big help!

Someone posted something on another thread about it being like a car and who is in the driver seat, with passengers in different places in the vehicle. I can relate to that analogy easily. The front passenger seat is the optimal place to be if I'm not in the driver's seat! The back seat isn't too comfortable and there have been those times that I've wound up in the trunk. That's not the best place to be. It takes me a while to get out of there!

I shared that because it kind of helps me understand the layering of parts at one time.

Hope that wasn't too much rambling.

[mostlylurking]

I hope it's okay to post something that is second hand, that is, I am suggesting it because someone very close to me has DID, but I don't have it myself.

It sounds a bit like you had walls up when you were talking to your T and had no sense of the others whom you usually hear. A wall could be thought of as a partition that temporarily blocks the view and hearing of all others in the car. Perhaps you could think of it like the little window in between the driver and passengers in a limo; if you can't hear anyone in the back seat then the window is closed. A wall is up.

Meanwhile perhaps there was a part who was still with you in the front seat who was helping you, giving you this no-nonsense strength to talk openly?

If a part is able to come out and put up walls, I think that's one way others may wind up in the trunk / boot. This might happen if a protector part feels something might happen that others can't or shouldn't have to deal with.

I think there is tremendous variability in how these internal systems are arranged, but often the inner people have been aware of the multiplicity for a long time but the primary or original person (if that exists for a given system) was the one who was kept in the dark for a long time. I think I'm probably talking about highly dissociated systems here. If it's possible, asking the inner parts to simply explain the system to you might be quite helpful. Inner children have been around for many years and often have a lot of understanding, though the lingo they use will be of their own invention, rather than being about parts, alters, and car analogies.

[toomanycats]

@mostlylurking - thank you, that is really helpful. I am slowly working on trying to sort of 'sketch this out' in notebooks, and that concept is super helpful, because, sometimes, I can see but can't hear...or it's very muffled.

I haven't really determined yet if there's a difference between in the trunk and walled off... because, there's sometimes a sense of a part still 'existing' but being entirely separated from what's going on... and sometimes, I literally can't locate a part...

it's all confusing.

[mostlylurking]

I'm more familiar with the far end of the DID spectrum with very dissociated parts, so this may not be useful to you, but for some with DID it can be helpful to develop an inner world that is strongly visualized. Similar to a "safe place" in the mind, it might be a garden, cottage, mansion, clearing in a forest, whatever you would like. But it makes a space where inside people can come to talk to you and to each other. When someone is not in the safe place, they are in the nothing, the dark, the shadows, the mists, it depends on how the person visualizes it. You may have no sense of them at all then, or you might know they're still there, but they seem far away. You might or might not be able to ask them to come back to the meeting place.

When my person first created an interior world like this I think they found it very peaceful to have.

[toomanycats]

I already have an inner world and have since I was a child. I don't live in it quite as much anymore. It used to be the primary place I lived.

[toomanycats]

Figure, since I'm in here, I'll post an update.
First - I'm the one who posted about the car analogy as well as the crime thing from yesterday.
C is my therapist.

---

Well, we had a breakthrough. A very very necessary breakthrough.

The session started off rocky. I arrived 30 min early, sat in the waiting room, and attempted to check in as to what parts were where, but I couldn't stay present enough to grasp any of it. I was very fragmented and shaking. I went up with C and, while there was no anger or upset, I struggled to string words together.

We did sort out things from yesterday (thank god I'd written things down that I wanted to say), but beyond that, I was eventually finally able to present parts in a visual concept that resulted in C finally understanding something he hadn't before -- the crucial point, actually.

I'd sketched out how it works for me by drawing a cross-section of my head from the top (ha) and dividing it into 3 parts like a 'car' kind of - to use my car analogy. I pointed out where eyes and ears were and put a little steering wheel on the 'drivers side' of the head. I X-ed out the back portion - the 'trunk' - to indicate any part back there was not aware of what was going on out here. There are, however, also parts that aren't even in the trunk - they just aren't on the diagram at times. I guess that would mean I'm unable to 'find' them at that time.

Then, using the colors some of the parts have 'picked' for journalling, I drew out where each part had been during yesterday's post-attempted-robbery session. (Actually, I did that yesterday). I'd also spent a few times today checking in and re-drawing where everyone was when I noticed big shifts.

At first, C said it wasn't news to him - it was all what he already thought. I said that was ok - if this was how he already understood it and I was confirming it, that was ok. But, then, finally while I was pointing out "this is why I got upset because you see this part isn't the same part as the 'me' part" and he said something like "the way I see it, you are the big circle - the head."

I immediately exclaimed "No! Oh no! Not at all! That's just the head, me and the body aren't the same thing!" And that, ladies and gentleman, seems to have been the ah-ha moment for C.

Does he understand everything? No way. But, neither do I. And, by that point, the part I call "GSD" (as in "get s*** done") had fully taken over, and I was but a passenger. GSD understands the system far more than I do, it seems - she has far more access to information than I or any other part, I think. She spilled so much to C. GSD, you see, has this awesome ability to totally wall off all other parts in such a way that there's no backlash after those walls come down. The other parts don't hear, see, and they don't seem aware that they've been kept out of something either.

We wound up talking about so much: about how some parts have their own clothing, about how the parts have different appearances, some with different genders even - about the struggle to keep some parts from drastically changing my body's appearance, etc. We talked about why I know my husband would be scared/worried if I told him all of this, about the part with the SH/ED behavior and how it has scared him in the past. About some parts' abilities to use these walls to take over in such a way that other parts that might stop them (from SH for instance) are unable to do so. About parts that I have horrible 'working relationships' with...on and on.

GSD seriously almost shook his hand at the end. I laugh. She ended with "thank you so much for taking the time to fit us in." and even made statements about "we have plenty of time to talk more about (can't remember what part-related topic) on Monday; it isn't far away." It's a bit eerie to me...being so much more aware of parts. I can't really decide if I like it or not... it is kind of one of those ignorance is bliss things, I think, sometimes.... I said to C that this is just always how I've worked... but this is the first time I've ever spoken to anyone about these details. And, it's true... despite having gained some awareness 10 years ago (and then having lost it), NONE of the stuff that came pouring out of GSD today was the same as what I understood 10 years ago. Honestly, most of it was stuff I didn't even know....that is a weird feeling. And it absolutely wakes up those 'this isn't real' parts. (Which, btw, we also talked about - that some parts' primary objectives are to keep the system a secret....and THAT is why this is ridiculously hard to talk about -- especially out loud.)

One thing C said that I'm not sure is accurate and we'll have to discuss later is that the "me" part I indicated on my papers is the "essential me" that has always been there. I do not think that is entirely accurate, but, I'm not ready to dissect that at the moment.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I already have an inner world and have since I was a child. I don't live in it quite as much anymore. It used to be the primary place I lived.

I apologize for making an assumption toomanycats, and thinking you might not have one. For my person this came later and was helpful. and I think it is a therapy goal, so I wanted to mention it. But I should not have assumed.

[toomanycats]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

I apologize for making an assumption toomanycats, and thinking you might not have one. For my person this came later and was helpful. and I think it is a therapy goal, so I wanted to mention it. But I should not have assumed.

oh no it's totally fine how could you have known?

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

Figure, since I'm in here, I'll post an update.

First - I'm the one who posted about the car analogy as well as the crime thing from yesterday.

C is my therapist.


---


Well, we had a breakthrough. A very very necessary breakthrough.


The session started off rocky. I arrived 30 min early, sat in the waiting room, and attempted to check in as to what parts were where, but I couldn't stay present enough to grasp any of it. I was very fragmented and shaking. I went up with C and, while there was no anger or upset, I struggled to string words together.


We did sort out things from yesterday (thank god I'd written things down that I wanted to say), but beyond that, I was eventually finally able to present parts in a visual concept that resulted in C finally understanding something he hadn't before -- the crucial point, actually.


I'd sketched out how it works for me by drawing a cross-section of my head from the top (ha) and dividing it into 3 parts like a 'car' kind of - to use my car analogy. I pointed out where eyes and ears were and put a little steering wheel on the 'drivers side' of the head. I X-ed out the back portion - the 'trunk' - to indicate any part back there was not aware of what was going on out here. There are, however, also parts that aren't even in the trunk - they just aren't on the diagram at times. I guess that would mean I'm unable to 'find' them at that time.


Then, using the colors some of the parts have 'picked' for journalling, I drew out where each part had been during yesterday's post-attempted-robbery session. (Actually, I did that yesterday). I'd also spent a few times today checking in and re-drawing where everyone was when I noticed big shifts.


At first, C said it wasn't news to him - it was all what he already thought. I said that was ok - if this was how he already understood it and I was confirming it, that was ok. But, then, finally while I was pointing out "this is why I got upset because you see this part isn't the same part as the 'me' part" and he said something like "the way I see it, you are the big circle - the head."


I immediately exclaimed "No! Oh no! Not at all! That's just the head, me and the body aren't the same thing!" And that, ladies and gentleman, seems to have been the ah-ha moment for C.


Does he understand everything? No way. But, neither do I. And, by that point, the part I call "GSD" (as in "get s*** done") had fully taken over, and I was but a passenger. GSD understands the system far more than I do, it seems - she has far more access to information than I or any other part, I think. She spilled so much to C. GSD, you see, has this awesome ability to totally wall off all other parts in such a way that there's no backlash after those walls come down. The other parts don't hear, see, and they don't seem aware that they've been kept out of something either.


We wound up talking about so much: about how some parts have their own clothing, about how the parts have different appearances, some with different genders even - about the struggle to keep some parts from drastically changing my body's appearance, etc. We talked about why I know my husband would be scared/worried if I told him all of this, about the part with the SH/ED behavior and how it has scared him in the past. About some parts' abilities to use these walls to take over in such a way that other parts that might stop them (from SH for instance) are unable to do so. About parts that I have horrible 'working relationships' with...on and on.


GSD seriously almost shook his hand at the end. I laugh. She ended with "thank you so much for taking the time to fit us in." and even made statements about "we have plenty of time to talk more about (can't remember what part-related topic) on Monday; it isn't far away." It's a bit eerie to me...being so much more aware of parts. I can't really decide if I like it or not... it is kind of one of those ignorance is bliss things, I think, sometimes.... I said to C that this is just always how I've worked... but this is the first time I've ever spoken to anyone about these details. And, it's true... despite having gained some awareness 10 years ago (and then having lost it), NONE of the stuff that came pouring out of GSD today was the same as what I understood 10 years ago. Honestly, most of it was stuff I didn't even know....that is a weird feeling. And it absolutely wakes up those 'this isn't real' parts. (Which, btw, we also talked about - that some parts' primary objectives are to keep the system a secret....and THAT is why this is ridiculously hard to talk about -- especially out loud.)


One thing C said that I'm not sure is accurate and we'll have to discuss later is that the "me" part I indicated on my papers is the "essential me" that has always been there. I do not think that is entirely accurate, but, I'm not ready to dissect that at the moment.

I’m so glad you had such a honest and true time with your T today! GSD speaks truth with no fear. That’s awesome to have a pet like that!!

You have been on my mind since I read your post yesterday about what happened to you. I wanted to offer you words of encouragement but I didn’t have them. I would have reacted the same way.

I’m so so very glad you are in a better place and had the honest time with your T.

I’m thinking that you have opened a door for communication that you have been needing. That makes my heart happy for you.

Your comment about there not being a “me” resonated with me. I understand, I think, what you mean.

I would like to talk about that but I don’t want to interrupt this so I’m going to put it in another thread.

[Amyjay]

You are very courageous, tmc. You have come a very long way in a few short weeks. You are processing a LOT. So glad you had that extra session when you definitely needed it.