[Loose Screw x 2]

I have been avoiding the DID forums because there were some who didn't seem to think that I have DID.
I've worried in the past that I was possessed and I do have an alter
who is incredibly evil.
His anger is just so intense and he is full of hate.
I've fought him for decades but, I'm losing the battle now and feel like I too am turning.
I also have three other alters that are on the dark side.
I didn't want to mention this but, another one showed up about a month ago and it was the worst one I've ever felt.
I'm not going to say what it felt like because it was really that bad. So, bad that it scared me.
My therapist's office dropped me over insurance issues and now I've been told that I'll have to go through my pdoc to get a referral to see a psychologist to get a diagnosis.
I don't get to see my doctor though for almost two months and my resistance is wearing down quickly.
I'm so tired of fighting and deep down have always believed that this was my destiny. To be evil. My really evil alter has always hated me and insulted me and he is jealous that he is not the host personality. He's been trying to get me to accept a life of wickedness and hate and now it feels like it is actually happening. I feel it deep down in my soul. And I've suddenly started behaving cruelly and vengefully and enjoying it.
I feel like I'm not me anymore but, I just don't want to fight anymore. I've been feeling so malicious. I even like these words. I know that it is awful but, I can't resist it anymore and I really don't want to.
Has anyone else here ever experienced anything like this?

[Loose Screw x 2]

You again. Your little Facebook ploy failed. You're failing again by following me around the forums, trying to piss me off.
You disappoint me. I knew what you were the first time you showed up and you do love the spotlight, don't you?
Suddenly you want to cut to the chase.
You came in here to kick Dan while he was down and to attempt to intimidate him but, Dan isn't here, is he?
Jekyll's are easy prey. Do you really think we'd let Dan play with you?
No fun in that. Wouldn't you rather pick on someone your own size?
Enjoy your little victory. She's all yours.
We're done with this place.

I didn't feel good about what I wrote, so I edited it. Take care mav.

[dlantern]

Find what the meaning is what is unlovable match with a life moment people place thing some form of trauma. Accept it for what it is for now then have a plan to not behave when you want to not be so much of those feelings etc.

[Loose Screw x 2]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

I didn't feel good about what I wrote, so I edited it. Take care mav.

It's okay. You had every right to feel the way that you did and the glutton for punishment in me likes that you have a little mean streak in you. It's cute.

[peaches100]

What my t told me is that when we experience a part of ourselves as evil, it is an introject...we have taken into ourselves some of the terrible messages we've been given about ourselves by people who mistreated us.

Do the things that "evil" one says to you sound like something that a person has said about you in the past? If you were told bad things about yourself, you may have believed it, and now you experience those bad messages as coming from you...when they may come from how other people treated you.

[Loose Screw x 2]

Well, you're right I do have some kind of form of DID but, I stopped talking about it around here because there were some "experts" hanging around who disagreed because their perceptions were different from my own.
Well, as far as the evil personality goes, he likes to tell me that I'm an idiot and a nobody and all the other kind of crap that cruel people enjoy saying to others to try to bring them down. He also thinks me to be and even calls me a weakling. Weakling, coward, moron, dumbass, pathetic and etc.
I really don't recall anyone ever talking to me like that when I was a kid or even a teen but, I did get bullied a lot, called names and get accused of being really dumb which wasn't true then and isn't true now but, during spells of hyper activity or when I'm on a bipolar high I do tend to get on others nerves with my antics and silly attitude.
I think a lot of my dark alter's insults were picked up from other fictional villains and tyrants and he certainly is as arrogant as many of them if not more so. He's highly delusional as well. More so than any of my other alters.
When he takes control I am at his mercy -not that he has much- and have to wait for him to tire out and go away on his own. Afterward I feel drained of energy. And it's like I've said before. If it isn't DID then, demonic possession is the only other thing that it could be.
While I'm no expert on demons I do have a little experience with demonic activity one might say so, I figure I know what I'm talking about.
If anyone disagrees I would like to hear their opininions.

[here today]

I looked into demonic possession for my feelings/symptoms maybe 12 years ago. Even got an exorcism from an Episcopalian priest. It didn't help.

7 years ago I was diagnosed with what was then DDNOS, now probably OSDD. Not full DID because I don't lose time, but close maybe.

I've gotten more comfortable with my "evil" personality -- really evil (mean, heartless, cruel, etc.), is that what you're talking about? For me, I used logic to try to find ways of accepting and understand her awful impulses (rarely acted out but still they were there), angry and vengeful attitudes. They do have a purpose, that's why they are there was my logic.

Eventually it has kind of worked. An expanded "I" can usually accept her for who she is and how she feels. She has good instincts about the shady and the worst in other people which can be helpful to all of "us" sometimes.

It hasn't been easy and an even though I had a T who was a specialist in trauma and dissociation, she wasn't very good and we ended therapy in a rupture without repair. Still, it's better than it was.

[phoenix7]

i think the bullies taught your alts what to say and how to behave - dispute what they say - dont believe it - then seek help where and when you can

i hope you find a way to get help soon

[peaches100]

Mavriforcek9r,

I sent you a PM.

[Loose Screw x 2]

Thanks for the replies. It's nice to know that someone cares. My evil alter displays traits found in people who are without empathy, remorse or any form of consideration of the feelings or well being of others.
He/It is also very cold, power-hungry, anti-human, has a seemingly endless supply of hate, intense anger and resentment, is extremely arrogant, aspires to become a powerful tyrant, admires other tyrants in history, believes himself to be a god and a mighty ruler and the list just goes on. I have had to come up with ways to try to prevent him from taking control or being triggered to where I go from being me to becoming him but, lately he has been getting out anyway. I'm just thankful that he hasn't physically hurt anyone in a very long time. I think he delights more in hurting people emotionally anyway and keeping them wondering what will come next.
I don't like to talk about what he's really like because I don't want to be seen as a dreadful person who should be avoided. Me and this personality are as different as day and night. We are very opposite of one another. I have other personalities who's job it is to counter him and prevent him from doing any kind of serious damage be it emotional or physical. Sometimes it takes me and three others just to hold him off and it didn't used to be that way at all.
I've been in a power struggle with him all of my life and resisting him lately has made me very weary. There's more but, I'm afraid to talk about it.

[kecanoe]

For me, it has been helpful to try to understand what is motivating parts that seem mean. In my case, they want to protect other parts. For example, Mrs. G is hard on me because she wants to protect me from criticism. It is better in her opinion for her to criticize than for outsiders.

[Loose Screw x 2]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

For me, it has been helpful to try to understand what is motivating parts that seem mean. In my case, they want to protect other parts. For example, Mrs. G is hard on me because she wants to protect me from criticism. It is better in her opinion for her to criticize than for outsiders.

I think that is what his primary goal was at one time but, he constantly modifies himself to be even more powerful than before and his interests have always been geared toward not only hurting me but others who are perceived as a threat as well and sometimes he is cruel just for the sake of cruelty. He enjoys it.

Truth be told....I'd rather have another issue then the one that we have to deal with daily forever. At least one can get "fixed" of demon possession....this is a little harder to get help for.

[peaches100]

MavriforceK9r,

If you have been physically violent with people in the past and need three people to keep that harmful part of you under control, I would seriously encourage you to seek out help from a mental health professional.

[here today]

Originally Posted by MavriforceK9r

I think that is what his primary goal was at one time but, he constantly modifies himself to be even more powerful than before and his interests have always been geared toward not only hurting me but others who are perceived as a threat as well and sometimes he is cruel just for the sake of cruelty. He enjoys it.

I tried to think of a reason why my hurtful one was the way she was, and based on the assumption there was some reason, I guessed that it was primarily revenge that had had to be suppressed, unacknowledged, etc. It felt like cruelty for the sake of cruelty sometimes, but if that were true -- wouldn't I have acted that out more IRL? That's what I guessed anyway. That idea didn't stop the feelings right away by a long shot, and of course she, and a male companion (alter), tried to find ways around what "I" was trying to rationally do, too.

Maybe they didn't trust my dawning awareness of them?

It's better now, is all I can say. How it got that way -- I'm not sure I can say. Maybe it was just the years and years of fighting, struggling to get more awareness and "accept" -- try to find some ways to accept -- the "evil" parts.

Regular mental health professionals didn't have a clue about this and even my last T, a specialist in trauma and dissociation, didn't have much of one. I think the regular mental health people may have made things worse, the specialist probably helped in some ways, not in others.

Your own awareness is probably your best ally. Even though the demon may not think so. And as of right now, my evil parts are mostly OK with me, not actively fighting me so much any more. And, as I said, they have some useful intuitions and instincts about the world -- not always correct, but it's useful information anyway and ignoring that stuff got me into a lot of trouble, too. Maybe the fact that "I" now have found ways to respect them helps some?

Good luck and take care!

[here today]

Originally Posted by peaches100

MavriforceK9r,

If you have been physically violent with people in the past and need three people to keep that harmful part of you under control, I would seriously encourage you to seek out help from a mental health professional.

I think she said three other ALTERS.

I expect that a good specialist could be very helpful, but I didn't know how to tell when a professional was helpful and when they weren't. Some -- maybe of lot -- of the intuition and instinct that I needed for that were locked away in the dissociated "evil" parts.

[Amyjay]

When it all comes down to it I think the ones who are the scariest are some of the ones who hurt the most. What a remarkable defence for a little child... in a situation where you have no power at all, no other means of self protection, and the prospect of years and years of pain and abuse ahead of you, you become the most frightening, indestructible harbinger of pain and destruction to others.
There is no better way for a powerless child to feel at least some sense of control and self agency.