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#1
Jun 09, 2018, 08:04 PM
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I started therapy 4 months ago, and the current diagnosis is some dissociation issue. But I am not sure how much I believe it because I am unsure what exactly I am experiencing. My therapist said I have some traits with DID but I disbelieve that even more. Dissociation for me is watching everyone and everything get smaller and trying my hardest to stop it without any success. I don't know anything else about my dissociation beyond it starts with talking about my sexual abuse and getting scared of it. But that's not dissociation, is it? Then the next part is what proceeds after my supposed dissociation. My mental fortitude increases to a ridiculous extent. To the point where nothing can faze me and I fear no one. I become cruel, remorseless, and downright psychopathic. I always have this evil voice in my head telling me how I will fail and how the people I meet are the same as my abusers. But when I've dissociated the voice is no longer in my head, it starts to manifest in my body. Then I become cruel, and use people for humor and become a sadistic piece of ****. Making everything a joke with unrelenting determination. If I escape this cycle long enough I can get to a sort of space mode with my mature voice, it's like some old man lectures me out of my **** when I get back to being normal. Or if I screw up really bad the voice of the old man steps in to fix things. But I don't experience blackouts and I am not sure I even dissociate, so what in the world is this? I know I can be such a different person at times it's disturbed the people in my life before.
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 Laurel1562
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#2
Jun 10, 2018, 07:23 AM
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Quote:
I’m sorry to hear that you have troubles, but it is great that you are in therapy. I’m glad that you are here and are willing to ask questions....but diagnosing we can not- only your T can. When I dissociate, I basically freeze, shut down, mind go blank, eyes go into a daze...and everyone in the back going “omg what do we do?”... Dissociation is a triggered response due to past trauma in which we couldn’t handle the situation. People with DID brain’s aren’t integrated from birth because of early childhood trauma before the age of 5 or so, so when we dissociate, another alternate state of consciousness emerges. With singletons, they just go into a day dream like state. With that said, everyone dissociates...some like myself are highly prone to dissociation. I can see talking about your sexual abuse being a trigger to dissociate....and according to another the ‘Do you know’ thread, objects getting smaller is a form of dissociation: here is a few examples of Other Specified Dissociative Disorders.... Macropsia - objects feel like they are getting smaller / farther away Tachypsychia - feeling like time is moving too slowly or too fast analgesia - not feeling any pain when dissociating micro - amnesia ... short term memory problems due to dissociation Transient Stupor - short term paralysis/ mobility problems and unable to respond to outside stimuli (like if a doctor checks reflexes your reflexes done respond because you are dissociated. Dissociative Trance not due to any religious or cultural practices Ive read/understand/experience where protective alters become abuser alters. They try to protect you from harm by giving direction....but then they become what appears frustrated and down right mean. I’ve “evil” alters that want to hurt people, but they are hurt themselves and are lashing out to exact the same that was giving them. Once ?I started accepting them parts and giving them love and understanding from within....they became quiet and less active. Are you DID? Idk. People with Other Specified Dissociative Disorders can have alters, but they maintain a sense of self. Black outs or timeloss are just missing memories. When another alter is out....all their memories and experiences stay with that alter and goes when I or another emerge. We are co-conscious, and the light never seems to go out....but the memories do. When I am heavily dissociating...stuff moves around or things disappear, I find myself somewhere else doing something different after obviously have been doing a lot. Some of us are always aware that when triggered...we don’t realized that we have switched sometimes...and this can hide the obvious....but we do have memoryloss which comes across as absent mindedness. Sometimes the symptoms are subtle and hidden which is what DID/OSDD is all about: secrecy...secrecy from the outside world and often in. Stay and listen to your therapist and see what they have to say asking for proof, and see if their narrative fits how you think and feel. They have Dissociative tests that you can take to see if you dissociate or not. There are online tests that aren’t like definitive but can give you and idea...but I will have to close this oration and search and start a new post. But anyways....hang in there and don’t stop asking questions for we love to help.  
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