I sit here like any other day or morning trying to think of what I’ve or we have done yesterday or this week- and mostly nothing like a blanket covers my mind.

I see fleeting momentary far away glimpses of something but it’s so fast like a fish going top water: a flash.

Should this bother me? It’s just so normal that it doesn’t..., but isn’t that complacency, and that it should be a cause for concern?

I don’t know how well the Others remember, but I bet it’s the same. :/

I mean the work people do all right with their job....someone is telling me that it is all parts...

Anyways, losing myself there.

So basically, is it a concern that I should be following up on, like dark spots and moles on the skin should be.

Funny/annoying thing that I’ve noticed I do is that I might post the same thing over and over as if it were the first time thinking that I started something.

Sorry for the unnecessary added baggage.

[Betty_Banana]

I relate to much of what you post about.It all just seems like typical DID stuff to me.It's called a disorder for a reason.If it all really bothers you and makes your life difficult then working with a therapist is probably a good idea.It sounds like ypu have a lot of co-consciousness but not a lot of cooperation.And maybe even alters that you're not aware of causing so much amnesia.

Since you're able to communicate is it possible to have a meeting inside or something to discuss things so you can know what's going on with them?Like check in with each other or something so there's not as much memory loss?

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

I relate to much of what you post about.It all just seems like typical DID stuff to me.It's called a disorder for a reason.If it all really bothers you and makes your life difficult then working with a therapist is probably a good idea.It sounds like ypu have a lot of co-consciousness but not a lot of cooperation.And maybe even alters that you're not aware of causing so much amnesia.

Since you're able to communicate is it possible to have a meeting inside or something to discuss things so you can know what's going on with them?Like check in with each other or something so there's not as much memory loss?

Thanks, you are just a sweety...

The scary thing is....when we try to access other memories....those memories causes a switch where they front and all is forgotten...so it doesn’t help none.

So if we try to figure out what happened at work, the worker will emerge and yet I still have no idea....but is buried to the back and no longer front. This helps with people interaction so that we don’t look stupid most of the time...but we just can’t share without switching.

I mean there is a wall separating us there that just won’t let us in each other’s space as much as we try, so to stay forward...we just don’t try.

We might get a glimpse...but entering their space is forbidden, also it hurts to try so we don’t. I guess that’s where the headache begins...but we don’t get that far.

I would love to see a therapist...but all of a sudden we have like a 40k car payment and plus a 20k mouth thing going on plus rent and such. Kinda value eating and the car thing....another part got us sucked into that one, so.....

(Don’t ask about the crappy insurance)....

[Amyjay]

I am very bothered by my lack of memory. I understand the dissociation and separation of self and knowing that causes it. But it still bites me hard.
I have just been away for a work conference. Spending four days solid with colleagues I have worked with for over a decade. It was awful in so many ways for me.
What was worse? The endless "remember whens" that I really just don't remember? The switching and resulting comments and hilarity caused by my "out of character" behavior? The flashbacks in front of colleagues?? In the middle of conference?? The shame of everything

The shame of everything

The shame of everything.

Trauma is the gift that just keeps on giving and giving

and giving.

[Amyjay]

I am safe in my hole.
I just want to stay there.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I sit here like any other day or morning trying to think of what I’ve or we have done yesterday or this week- and mostly nothing like a blanket covers my mind.

I see fleeting momentary far away glimpses of something but it’s so fast like a fish going top water: a flash.

Should this bother me? It’s just so normal that it doesn’t..., but isn’t that complacency, and that it should be a cause for concern?

I don’t know how well the Others remember, but I bet it’s the same. :/

I mean the work people do all right with their job....someone is telling me that it is all parts...

Anyways, losing myself there.

So basically, is it a concern that I should be following up on, like dark spots and moles on the skin should be.

question... is this memory problem something that is just suddenly a problem or is this something that has been there all your life...

the way my own treatment providers decide whether a memory problem is something that I need to worry about is asking myself this question... if its something that has always happened all my life then its considered to be my normal way of being. if its something that suddenly showing up then its not normal and should be looked at, as it may be a physical health problem, some of which are life threatening.

this is partly how they were able to diagnose my physical health problem called MS (Multiple Sclerosis).. suddenly I was noticing I was having ..........more than usual .......problems with remembering what I was doing day to day.

This was different than my dissociative memory problems in that though I did have memory problems with my dissociative problems those issues were there every time I dissociated, from the very first time as a very young child. it was normal for me to not remember things as a child, teen and young adult so to me that was normal. What wasn't normal was the sudden not long history of kinds of memory problems.

my suggestion (Following what my own treatment providers and I go by) if your memory problem is not your usual normal memory history then yes that points to some possible physical problems that may need to be looked at,

Originally Posted by amandalouise

question... is this memory problem something that is just suddenly a problem or is this something that has been there all your life...

the way my own treatment providers decide whether a memory problem is something that I need to worry about is asking myself this question... if its something that has always happened all my life then its considered to be my normal way of being. if its something that suddenly showing up then its not normal and should be looked at, as it may be a physical health problem, some of which are life threatening.

this is partly how they were able to diagnose my physical health problem called MS (Multiple Sclerosis).. suddenly I was noticing I was having ..........more than usual .......problems with remembering what I was doing day to day.

This was different than my dissociative memory problems in that though I did have memory problems with my dissociative problems those issues were there every time I dissociated, from the very first time as a very young child. it was normal for me to not remember things as a child, teen and young adult so to me that was normal. What wasn't normal was the sudden not long history of kinds of memory problems.

my suggestion (Following what my own treatment providers and I go by) if your memory problem is not your usual normal memory history then yes that points to some possible physical problems that may need to be looked at,

It’s been a forever thing that we never paid any attention to until recently upon our awakening...plus the bipolar meds don’t help.

It’s like having a sore thumb that has always been sore which seemed usual, but to suddenly find out that it isn’t normal...now it’s a crisis thing, lol.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

It’s been a forever thing that we never paid any attention to until recently upon our awakening...plus the bipolar meds don’t help.

It’s like having a sore thumb that has always been sore which seemed usual, but to suddenly find out that it isn’t normal...now it’s a crisis thing, lol.

This is how I feel about it too I think. I always had an extremely awful memory and discontinuity of time, I just didn't KNOW it. Now I know what it means and I don't like it. Now I know WHY I have a terrible memory and I don't like it. Now I know why I suck at pretty much everything and have achieved so little in life and spend so much of my life hiding and protecting and avoiding and not living and I don't like it.

I apologize for ranting, I am having trouble dealing atm.

Originally Posted by Amyjay

This is how I feel about it too I think. I always had an extremely awful memory and discontinuity of time, I just didn't KNOW it. Now I know what it means and I don't like it. Now I know WHY I have a terrible memory and I don't like it. Now I know why I suck at pretty much everything and have achieved so little in life and spend so much of my life hiding and protecting and avoiding and not living and I don't like it.

I apologize for ranting, I am having trouble dealing atm.

That’s quite fine deary....I just love how you wrote that up there- it rang loud and clear in my head and read rather well. Alas, we are too lazy to put that much effort into decorative emphasis on a type board when it takes forever for a group of us to put out a simple line of text. You know what I mean?

No no write it this...no not that way...like this....wait, are you sure that you want to say that? I mean it makes us look....everyone please! - yep.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

That’s quite fine deary....I just love how you wrote that up there- it rang loud and clear in my head and read rather well. Alas, we are too lazy to put that much effort into decorative emphasis on a type board when it takes forever for a group of us to put out a simple line of text. You know what I mean?

No no write it this...no not that way...like this....wait, are you sure that you want to say that? I mean it makes us look....everyone please! - yep.

Well you (collectively) wrote that perfectly understandably in a way I can relate to too.

[Betty_Banana]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

This is how I feel about it too I think. I always had an extremely awful memory and discontinuity of time, I just didn't KNOW it. Now I know what it means and I don't like it. Now I know WHY I have a terrible memory and I don't like it. Now I know why I suck at pretty much everything and have achieved so little in life and spend so much of my life hiding and protecting and avoiding and not living and I don't like it.

I apologize for ranting, I am having trouble dealing atm.

Boy can I relate to what you said.Before I was diagnosed with DID and became aware of the alters it was different.Like being at work one day and hearing my superviser talking about me to a higher-up,saying a bunch of bad things about me,things I said and did on the job.I was so pissed thinking why would she be lying about me,why would she be starting trouble for me.At another job hearing co-workers talking about me saying "she doesn't even remember anything she did yesterday" and thinking,why are those bit*hes talking crap about me?I could give a million different examples.My point is,I just didn't know they were telling the truth and thought they were all just awful people and starting trouble for me for whatever reasons.After diagnosis and knowing,hearing things like that really bothered and upset me.I would start thinking maybe my therapist is right,oh my god,maybe I really am DID and I hated it.

And now after integration sometimes I think what a wasted life.My whole life has passed by and was wasted and I didn't achieve a damn thing because every day was spent just surviving.

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

Boy can I relate to what you said.Before I was diagnosed with DID and became aware of the alters it was different.Like being at work one day and hearing my superviser talking about me to a higher-up,saying a bunch of bad things about me,things I said and did on the job.I was so pissed thinking why would she be lying about me,why would she be starting trouble for me.At another job hearing co-workers talking about me saying "she doesn't even remember anything she did yesterday" and thinking,why are those bit*hes talking crap about me?I could give a million different examples.My point is,I just didn't know they were telling the truth and thought they were all just awful people and starting trouble for me for whatever reasons.After diagnosis and knowing,hearing things like that really bothered and upset me.I would start thinking maybe my therapist is right,oh my god,maybe I really am DID and I hated it.

And now after integration sometimes I think what a wasted life.My whole life has passed by and was wasted and I didn't achieve a damn thing because every day was spent just surviving.

I had a many goals and ambitions, but surviving was the biggest accomplishment regardless how much life and the Others pushed us over the edge.

I live a bouncing ball kind of life bouncing off whatever comes up in the way. Or better yet, a tumbleweed blown this way and that either but luck, people, situations, insiders, or God. I have accepted that I have no control of my mind, body and life. Just live.

Glad that you are integrated and are able to accomplish your goals I hope.