[BlossomingLen]

[There are slight mentions of abusive relationships, parents, and friends. As well as struggles to find yourself. Be warned!]

Hello! I hope you're all doing well today!

Honestly, my day has been fine, though a bit uneventful.

However, for years now, I've been wondering something. Because I have a genuinely terrible memory and I block so many things out. The way I talk, think, and act change basically every day. I have so many mixed, powerful emotions--but I also feel nothing at all. It's such a strange combination.

I often feel as if I'm at odds with myself. Like two people are consistently arguing in my head. I see it like that all the time. That two people are fighting over how things should go and it's pulling me in every which way. I act rashly and can't think straight, or I'm too cautious and think too much.

When I was younger, in grade school, I believed there was another part of me known as Levine. He was really smart, though a skeptic and was perceived to be too honest for his own good. It contrasted heavily with these other random spurts of shyness, friendliness, and quirkiness I would have. Eventually--from the advice of other people, I stopped associating that other part of me as a different person. It never felt right, however.

Nowadays, I'm not too sure what I'm like; and these two sides are constantly at odds, trying to make the right decision. Especially when it comes to ways of treating other people and general problems in my life.

I have terrible paranoia and I can't get close to others anymore. I had a troubled childhood with my family, got abandoned by friends, and had abusive relationships. Beyond that--I've been in a couple dangerous situations with strangers and it really shook me up. I often feel a bit safer when I confide in these two. But at the same time, when I talk to others about it, they often say that I shouldn't "pretend to be" someone that I'm not. Even though I have no idea what that means. I don't know who I am or what these things are. If they're truly other personalities or if I'm just confused.

Before I seek professional help about this issue, which I've been wanting to do; I want to see what you all think. Do you relate to anything that I've put here?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by BlossomingLen

[There are slight mentions of abusive relationships, parents, and friends. As well as struggles to find yourself. Be warned!]

Hello! I hope you're all doing well today!

Honestly, my day has been fine, though a bit uneventful.

However, for years now, I've been wondering something. Because I have a genuinely terrible memory and I block so many things out. The way I talk, think, and act change basically every day. I have so many mixed, powerful emotions--but I also feel nothing at all. It's such a strange combination.

I often feel as if I'm at odds with myself. Like two people are consistently arguing in my head. I see it like that all the time. That two people are fighting over how things should go and it's pulling me in every which way. I act rashly and can't think straight, or I'm too cautious and think too much.

When I was younger, in grade school, I believed there was another part of me known as Levine. He was really smart, though a skeptic and was perceived to be too honest for his own good. It contrasted heavily with these other random spurts of shyness, friendliness, and quirkiness I would have. Eventually--from the advice of other people, I stopped associating that other part of me as a different person. It never felt right, however.

Nowadays, I'm not too sure what I'm like; and these two sides are constantly at odds, trying to make the right decision. Especially when it comes to ways of treating other people and general problems in my life.

I have terrible paranoia and I can't get close to others anymore. I had a troubled childhood with my family, got abandoned by friends, and had abusive relationships. Beyond that--I've been in a couple dangerous situations with strangers and it really shook me up. I often feel a bit safer when I confide in these two. But at the same time, when I talk to others about it, they often say that I shouldn't "pretend to be" someone that I'm not. Even though I have no idea what that means. I don't know who I am or what these things are. If they're truly other personalities or if I'm just confused.

Before I seek professional help about this issue, which I've been wanting to do; I want to see what you all think. Do you relate to anything that I've put here?

yes I can relate to what you posted. in me everything you posted was / is called by many different things like bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, psychosis, normal,sleep deprivation and many more too including my main physical health problem MS. .....my point is if you open the DSM5 or PDR or any other medical / mental health references or google....you will see every one of these things mentioned in every mental disorder physical health problem there is.

in order to sort all this out (or as your title says a bit of clarification) you will need to go to your treatment providers in your off computer location, they will be able to do a check on any medications, your sleep, your diet, medical and mental health, get you set up for diagnostic evaluations (tests) with all that you posted expect to have many tests some medical some mental some educational..... lots of stuff have the same problems that you posted about....

[Amyjay]

Hi there. There are levels of the dissociation of different parts of the personality that lead up to DID which is at one extreme. Some theorists say that every single person has different parts of the personality. Pretty much everyone can talk about a part of themselves that is shy or outgoing, or moody, or playful or risk-taking and other things like that. It is the level of connection or disconnection between the parts that can cause problems. There is that kind of normal on one hand and then a huge range of different levels of connection between different parts self leading all the way up to DID on the other end.
From what you have written it seems like you have at least some connection between these different parts of yourself but experience some disconnection from them as well.
Have you ever read about family systems therapy? Or the theory of structural dissociation? They both talk about different parts of self.

Hi blossominglen...

I think finding a therapist would be a very good thing to do. Can I relate? In some ways yes and some ways no.....but we are all different....yes?

I can’t really say anything because I don’t want to invalidate your being, mislead or give false hope...but to wish you well and good luck.