Integration

Thanks for this post.

I will be honest and say there's been times I've been worried about becoming un integrated. Logically I knew it wasn't a possibility but I have read stories of it happening to people.Not only that but someone I was corresponding with in the past was trying to tell me integration is always only a temporary thing and the first time there's major stress it will be undone.I stopped talking to that person because deep down I didn't believe or feel it was true.

Last week I had to spend some time with one of my abusers and I started thinking to myself omg,what if what I have read is true,what if it happens right now and the alter that was created because of this person pops out.I had myself worked up into near panic mode but was able to calm myself down by saying to myself nah,it doesn't work that way.Lol

Thanks for reassuring me. I'm sure I will think of your post should those thoughts ever come up again.

Sometimes as a integrated person I get asked if I am afraid that my brain is going to create new alternate personalities. my answer is now no. Before I was integrated I did not have this fear. it was just my normal to have alternate personalities, the idea of another new one didnt phase me at all. just had the attitude of same stuff different day for me.

But after my alters were all merged together with me I did wonder about this, my treatment provider explained to me that it wasnt possible for me. I was no longer a 4 year old child with a 4 year olds brain with 4 year olds lack of coping skills. my brain does not have the physical capabilities to do that now. then she reminded me how my alters were created to begin with, all the different physical and emotional elements needed just were not there to do that any more.

then I asked her what about maybe there is someone one there that has n ot been merged yet.

She pulled out my files and we went how certain symptoms both common place and those other accompany symptoms that cant be found on the internet or in books and movies are not continuing to happen. if there was an alter that hadnt been previously merged I would have continued to have all my dissociative commonly known and other accompanying symptoms, I would not have felt everyone was merged or anything like it. in short everything that has been happening since before I was 5 would have continued to happen regardless of whether one alter is integrated or 2 or three, and if there was still more there. since my problems got better not stayed the same there are no undiscovered alters somewhere.

life as an integrated person is like all the holidays and special days of the year combined together along with that moment of clarity, with a pinch of this and a dab of that and dont forget the Salt and Pepper.

in life no matter what and who it is there are always 3 sides of things.... the good, the good, the bad and the middle ground. Recovery from DID is no different in reality but ones perception is a bit off.

example One day I was at a popular beach camping with my family. I left the camp site for a walk and sometime later my wife comes and finds me standing on a pier, puts her arms around me and asks.... are you ok? I, still facing the water said ....yes, see that sparkle out there on the lake? Isn't that the most amazing thing how the sun does that on the water? my wife said Honey, Beth, and Many are with you, thats why you can now enjoy the sparkles on the lake. you have their memories of lake watching. isnt it grand, isnt it lovely. I snuggled in closer with my wife and said "like a child on christmas morning when they see Santa has been there"

We stood on that pier until the sun went down enjoying the fact that while I was fully in the present moment could enjoy this special moment of the sun making sparkles on the water. All the while knowing I was able to do this now because those lake loving alters were now part of my own personality. that everything they were and contained was now me. We ended up buying a cabin not too far from the lake and we go there frequently.

I have had many moments like this where I have been totally captivated by this new way of being... all merged together to form one whole person again, experiencing life and moments, emotions, events like it was the very first time.

not only was I now able to fully experience and appreciate the good but the down side too. one day I was hanging curtains and pictures when I accidentally hit my finger with the hammer. now I had been feeling pain and such for a while now but nothing to this extreme. it totally shocked me right to my core that the feeling of pain could be so intense and scary.

there was a bit of swearing and all those normal reactions and it dodnt subside right away.....of course it didnt, my brain would no longer automatically switch my brain functions to that of the unconscious memories, emotions and all else that had previously been called my alter that handled pain because everything that was unconsciously stored was now consciously stored and accessible. I had everything I needed to handle this situation readily available to my brain functions with out the brain physically doing the "switch over"

like at the lake I was overwhelmed by what I was going through. I ran for the phone and called my treatment provider. I think we spent a good 2 hours on the phone that day discussing emotions and how I had already been experiencing them on a smaller scale and that this was a normal reaction to someone hitting their finger with a hammer while hanging curtains and pictures, that the reason I was going through so many emotions, thoughts and behaviors around this was because I had had many alters that dealt with various kinds of pain, now that everything that they were is now merged together with me, their memories, emotions, behaviors, thoughts are now mine. As I continue to live and experience everything as a whole personality again everything will settle down where I wont be getting so over whelmed. that this is what its like to be normal, be able to fully experience and appreciate my body, mind emotions and events. As time goes on I will find that happy middle ground where I wont be so overwhelmed with emotions, memories.

Being integrated to where all my alters are merged together with my own personality actually takes more time, treatment and shockingly gathers more attention then dissociating did. no one could see and notice when I was dissociated because I had been this way since before I was 5, what people saw of me in those before integration days was just my normal. but let me stand there in total amazement over a water sparkle or hopping around the room in tears, swearing over actually being able to feel every single emotion and physical sensation that comes from accidentally hitting ones own finger with a hammer, everyone close by gathers and 'are you alright? " and other comments. might as well add embarrassment to everything else going on.

where am I at now? do I still get overwhelmed? I am now at a point where I am able to find that happy middle ground between the good and the bad of having alternate personalities not alternate personalities any more but still with me as my own personality. its still a challenge at times but over all I am very happy that I took that psych class so many years ago that required the students to take an in class psych eval, find a therapist and psychiatrist and go through formal tests and enter treatment for one semester. That began this wonderful and challenging journey called integration for me.

I know that integration is not over because Im not dead yet. like stated at the beginning of this thread....human beings naturally do the integration process every day from the moment that they are born to the moment of their death. this has been just one small part of my natural life long integration process. I dont have any regrets or misgivings about the process or having done it or finding out that its not a choice I could make.

I am happy to know that no one has died nor did I get hypnotized them away. they are all here with me just in a different physical and mental way....

I could really relate to this.

It took awhile for me to adjust to feeling so intensely.Everything felt so overwhelmingly intense.If I was happy,I felt euphoric,if I was sad I felt so deeply sad that I couldn't handle it,etc.There were times I scheduled emergency therapy sessions just to get help in dealing with it. It was way different being able to completely feel,to completely experience something and stay with it without dissociating.Even the love I had for others felt so intense it would make me cry.

It took time but I gradually did adjust.I do still have times though where I experience something for the first time since integration and feel overwhelmed still.But it' s not scary anymore really,just different.

ETA:yes,some things ARE scary(even though I said it's not scary,just different)and hard to deal with and at times I get upset about it and even complain.But as my therapist had told me once,the bad thing about dissociating was I was missing out on the good things in life too,not just the bad.So I think feeling everything,good and bad is much better than before integration.

yes it does take time to adjust to being able to feel a full range of emotions, and my therapist told me the same thing about missing out on life and living one time when I told her it was so much easier back when I didnt have the skills that I have...

by the way for those waiting for the next installment / post/ thread of my integration process I have been purposely not posting....

one I want to give you all time to adjust to the fact that there are integration threads mixed in here on this board.

two I want to give you all a chance to adjust to everything I have already posted. I know its a lot of information and personal experiences, stuff you could not find elsewhere before I started posting about my dissociation/ integration process, and believe me I've done them all.... Yahoo groups, Facebook Groups, not yahoo groups, NAMI, healthjourneys, melting minds, ivory garden, survivors forum, and not on any of the other sites where dissociation issues are discussed that I am or have been a member of, not even on popular information sites like ISSTD and others...

Mind you I am not trying to plug these sites for people to go to, just stating a fact that I have searched for many many years in all kinds of forums and information sites and could not find anything that goes beyond the typically found everywhere information.

my point is what Im posting is stuff that cant be found elsewhere except from going through it. And theres more to come So I dont want to overwhelm any one.

I Also want to give others a change to start their own threads on integration and integration issues. everyone says they want more discussions about this but I seem to be the only one making threads and posts about it.

put bluntly if you want more discussions about this then you need to post about it yourselves too.

ok then lol I was rereading my thread when I noticed in this post there is a mis wording.. I put the site name melting minds (mindz) when it is supposed to say mosaic minds. melting mindz is a jig gaming puzzle website my children and I use together lol sorry about that and am so surprised that no one else has caught that miss wording

amandalouise,this article goes against what you have been sharing here about integration.It goes against my experiences and what I think/believe also.

There's No Cure for Dissociative Identity Disorder | HealthyPlace

It says it cannot be cured.As a matter of fact it says this:

I do consider myself cured from DID.I no longer even have the diagnosis.I do have other issues and struggles but DID is not one of them anymore.I don't feel it's in remission,I feel and believe I have been cured.

Do you consider yourself "cured"? If I am using the term cured incorrectly please let me know.I feel this article is wrong is telling people they can't recover or be healed.

yes my treatment providers and I consider my DID to be cured/ no longer/ never will be again. or any other phrasing.

in short here in america to legally be called DID. legally be diagnosed DID a person must fit the diagnostic criteira ...

Dissociative Identity Disorder 300.14 (F44.81)

A. Disruption of identity characterized by two or more distinct personality states which may be described in some cultures as an experience of possession. The disruption in identity involves marked discontinuity in sense of self and sense of agency, accompanied by related alterations in affect, behavior, consciousness, memory, perception, cognition, and or sensory-motor functioning. These signs and symptoms may be observed by others or reported by the individual.

B. Recurrent gaps in the recall of every day events, important personal information, and or traumatic events that are inconstant with ordinary forgetting.

C the symptoms cause clinical significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.

D. The disturbance is not a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural or religious practice.

Note in children the symptoms are not better explained by imaginary playmates or other fantasy play.

E. The Symptoms are not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g. Blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or another medical condition (e.g. complex partial seizures)

along with this diagnostic criteria are 5 pages that go into more detail in categories of diagnostic features that explains the above diagnostics in more detail, Associated features supporting diagnosis, the statistical prevalence of the disorder, the development and course of the disorder, Risk and Prognosis Factors, Culture Related Diagnostic Issues, Suicide Risks and the Functional consequences of this disorder. The DSM 5 also addresses Differential Diagnosis (other dissociative disorders that share the same symptoms) and Comorbidity (having more than one diagnosis)

all my dissociative type alternate personalities have been integrated. and I no longer fit any of the diagnostics for having DID.

my diagnosis has been down graded to OSDD - macropsia and other OSDD disorder labeling.

here in america when one no longer fits the diagnostic criteria for a mental disorder they are considered healed/ cured. no longer having that mental disorder. this was a change put into place in 2013 due to many people thought they had a whole listing of mental disorders when in fact their present mental disorder listings did not include what they had previously been diagnosed.

this change is also why people with mental disorders have to now go through periodic assessments and re evaluations. so that their treatment providers can make changes to their files of what their actual present mental disorder diagnosis's are.

a person can find out whether they are still considered to be DID by talking with their treatment providers and going through diagnostic testing.

again since I no longer fit the diagnostic criteria for DID by legal and ethical standards I am considered cured / healed / no longer have and never will again have DID.

Thanks amandalouise.My therapist had told me I no longer have DID but I do still have PTSD.I have used the words healed,recovered,integrated,etc.but I don't think I have ever used the word cured before when talking about it.I knew I was but hadn't used that term.

You and I are both proof that it can be cured and that the article I talked about is far from the truth.

just read the article. some of it is correct there is no "DID medication" treatments labeled just for DID.

that said yes you and I are proof that being cured / healing/ integrated and ever other words for it is possible.

from the looks of her article and her website it looks like one of these "pro- disorder" type things. you know like pro ana, pro suicide and other pro sites that rather than doing whats needed to fix the problem would rather be the disorder and promote how to be that disorder, with this person rather that working on what causes them to dissociate they are putting down every treatment option out there. and instead of focusing on their problems attempting to bring awareness to other peoples problems, mainly those that choose to heal and be cured. though i do have to say their facebook page on bringing awareness of female abusers is interesting.

Im with you betty that there is cure/ healing and so forth and Im proud of the fact that I have done the work needed and am cured/ healed / integrated and will never again be DID and wouldnt change it for the world. lol

It makes me a combination of happy and sad to see periodic reviews utilized! 😊 They should absolutely be a tool to help assess where a person is within recovery, and provide an opportunity to update critical data such as diagnosis.
But i only ever see it as copy pasted worthless documents that just meet the bare minimum to ensure continued payments.
*sigh*

Sorry I have left everyone hanging on more of my integration process. in part I am giving others the chance to post their integration stories to and the other reason is most of my internet time is being spent on another forum that is specific to integration and post integration issues. no I cant post where it is as this site prohibits letting others know of other forums for the specific purpose of convincing others to attend other forums. my take on this rule is that if people kept sending others to other website forums then psych central cant stay in business. this is a fantastic website but since they have no integration forums I have been utilizing another site for that, for many years now.

I do have more about my integration journey that I will be posting here or in a new thread soon.

bumping up for those interested in what integration is and what it was like for me.

Bumping for further discussion. I am beyond grateful for this thread. It is infinitely fascinating and appeals to the nerd in me who loves learning about brain function and a neurobiological basis for things.



FearLess47...just starting on the journey but happy to share as it occurs

Thank you Fearless47. I am glad this thread is helping you. I am sorry that I havent had time to update this thread with more of my integration process. I have been going through my past journals and putting them in order so that I dont post too quickly and confusing for you all.

I am very thankful to you all that are following this thread, please continue to take care of yourselves and I will be posting more of of my journey here in this thread.

Ready for more of my integration process? I have been through all my journals and have decided rather than continuing to post in the order in which things happened I am going to post according to problems or issues. This is because I have found when reading my therapy journals that there are some things we returned to during my therapy journey.

You know how therapists will ask you questions and you will think “what the hey, is this about?” That was me and integrating my voices.
To me hearing voices was just normal. It didn’t cause me any stress or anxiety or as treatment providers call it “clinical distress”.

“clinical distress” what a word right, what does that mean? It means a person is having symptoms and problems, troubles that are out of their normal way of being, that usually subsides on its own.

Even though I didn’t know what my diagnosis was or whether I had alters, or even that I was mentally ill, before the age of 5 I had alters due to extreme trauma. That means I had these voices from before age 5, I grew up hearing these voices every waking moment of my life for well over 20 years. To me that was normal and nothing to get worried about, stressed out about, and they certainly didn’t subside on their own. In the psychological sense and definition I was not in clinical distress nor was I experiencing clinical distress.
As a result of lacking “clinical distress” and hearing voices was my normal way of being, on this issue, whenever my treatment providers would ask “do you hear voices?” or on any psych testing if that question was on the test my answer was always “no I do not hear voices, I don’t hear the toaster talking to me, I don’t hear voices saying weird things.”

I honestly thought this was such a strange and confusing question to ask me. I would always think “what do they think I am some nitwit or nut case. My journals have many ranting and raving entries about how screwed up my therapists are if they think I’m hearing voices.

After I was diagnosed it was explained to me that DID type voices are a special kind of voices. Not like psychosis voices, with the DID ones Reality remains intact. I didn’t lose touch with reality and the voices could be matched with my present day situations, in other words they remained with in reality of the present moment that they were happening. My psychosis voices contained being paranoid and delusional ideas and happened out of the blue, but DID voices only happen when someone is triggered by something. They don’t just happen, but when they do happen theres no patterns of when. Yes I know all the stuff you find on various forums and internet sites that the voices happen only at this time of day or when they feel safe and comfortable with therapists, some claim this only happens during therapy other sites say it only happens outside of therapy…

Bottom line on voices is everyones internal system is set up in their own way that ensured survival. Everything about having DID including he voices of DID are related to how we are handling the present moments triggers and can be traced to a specific trigger.

Remember at the beginning of this thread I explained how the brain has a flight or fight response any time a person encounters something that they cannot handle. Anything related to dissociation and DID is related to triggers and the flight or fight response that causes a person to feel dissociated.

Now lets turn back time for a moment to when my alters and I were not one. Back when what is now called each of my alters and I were less than one.

Rainy was my alter who’s sense of agency was storms and depression. That means all throughout my whole life time any time there was a storm or I was feeling sad, Rainy was talking and taking control. Whether I was in kindergarten, recess, at school events, dating, eating, bathing, just going on with my life Rainys voice was there and sometimes I heard her and sometimes I didn’t. The things she said was not things that would be like my psychosis where I would feel the voices were out to get me or telling me to do bad things or saying bad things.

My DID voices were different than my psychosis voices..The things Rainy talked about were things in my life that related to her. Think of it like carrying on a nice conversation with a friend.

Rainy….its raining
Me…yes I know
Rainy.... Im cold time to go home
Me ....ok what do I want to do when I get home.
Rainy ....watch tv and eat pbj,
Me....I don’t think I want pbj how about chicken sandwich,
Rainy no how about just some hot chocolate
Me ....ok you get hot chocolate and I will eat the chicken sandwich.

These voices (or as its called since 2013 “dialogues” Some places still use the term voices) continued all my life time since the very first alter creation before I was 5 years old.

Each of my alters had their own interests, ways of being and dislikes and what they could and could not do, how much control they had and so on all through what is now called Sense of agency. As a result of their sense of agency their voices were distinguishable from each other, there was consistency in how they talked and what they talked about.

As a result of this, figuring out what they were saying to me was relatively easy. My therapist and I would document what my alters were saying and match their words to what was going on in my life at the moment that I heard their voices.

Example.....

Rainy’s distinctive voice pattern of speech vocabulary and tone…. Its raining

Me ok I just head a voice say its raining. (writing it down)

I look out the window then surprised because it was in fact raining
(next to where I wrote its raining, I wrote that I checked outside it is raining out)

Rainy’s distinctive voice pattern of speech vocabulary and tone …Time to go home

Me writing down that I just heard a voice that said its time to go home. I looked at the time and it is time to go home. I wrote down that I checked the time and it was in fact time to go home.

At first when my treatment provider wanted me to write down what I was hearing in my head and match it to my present life I told her she was nuts. What does this have to do with therapy.

She explained to me integration is the process of putting things together.

We are going to put together what is going on inside my head with what is going on in my daily life so that I could take care of my daily life better.

Since DID type voices are a special kind we can do that with the voices of the others.

then she pointed out since I have DID, the fact of the matter was that I have already been doing this all my life just not on paper and while knowing I was doing it. And that this will be very easy for me to do.

Whether I hear one word or many all my life they were there and all my life I was acting accordingly and appropriately doing things in my life to take care of me, by what the voices were saying.

now we were just going to bring this to a conscious level of behavior instead of just unconsciously / out of habit doing it.

By bringing my awareness of my behaviors and how the voices and my daily behaviors are connected it shows how my alters have helped me all these years.

By doing this therapy assignment, I will be able to handle everyday life without getting triggered and dissociating. in other words doing consciously what I have already and am doing unconsciously through dissociation with out needing to dissociate.

She was right, the therapy assignment was very easy to do all I had to do was carry around a note book that fit in my purse or sticky notes that fit in my pocket and write down what I was hearing and what those voices were saying.

eventually the voices stopped on their own when I was capable of remaining aware of what my self care needs and wants were, and able to handle problems with out getting so triggered that I dissociated.

Before this past few weeks my wife has been after me to please go through your journals and find what you really want to keep and what you can get rid of. The children needed more closet space now that they are getting bigger and older. They are not babies any more.

On the children's closet top shelf I located a total of 38 therapy journals that were just documentations of these voices. Needless to say now that I’m integrated I got rid of all those journals. I don’t need a journal to tell me that Rainy was saying it was raining and I wrote it down and that it matched with the fact that it was raining outside.

this process of integrating my voices also worked for integrating the feelings from my alters. if I was feeling something I would write it down and match it to what was going on in reality. if I could do that then I knew what I was feeling was dissociative not psychosis and would know what I needed to do to handle what ever trigger was going on that got my flight or fight dissociative response going.

my suggestion to anyone who is DID or dissociative and hearing voices and want to know what kind of voices they have. Take time to write out what you are hearing and feeling. Then match that to your life at the moment that you heard that voice or felt that feeling. if it matches then you know that your brains flight or fight dissociation process is at work and what you need to do to take care of your self and your triggers so that the voice or feeling calms down.

Integrating feelings and memories was so easy I didn’t know it was called that. I know strange right not knowing integrating was happening. In the words of my therapist… if you know them, know that they are there, or can feel something emotionally or physically its already integrated. Dealing with it is something completely different.
Example if I could hear a voice then that voice is already put together in my conscious awareness, (integrated) otherwise I would not know that the voice exists, would not hear the words being said and would not have any feelings either way about what I was hearing. The fact that I could hear the voice, experience it and have emotions around what the voice was saying shows the voice is integrated.
Any time I would talk to my therapist abot the voices, feelings or memories that I hadn’t had before because they were part of the alters, my treatment provider would say something like “good you have integrated this now comes the hard part … dealing with it.
What is dealing with it and how to do it.. first thing is many locations use different words for this and many treatment providers use different words for it.
“Dealing with it”
“Facing it”
“Processing it”
“Manage it”
“Handle it”
“understand it”
“dig deep”
Like I said there are many words for this. Integration naturally happens throughout a human beings whole life time, from beginning to end. But “dealing” with something is completely different.
Dealing, facing, processing, managing, handling, understanding, digging deep, regardless of what you call it its all the same.
The main thing is that it takes time. Just like anything else in life dealing with something anything takes time and effort. Sure you can deny it (say its not true, its not real ) but that doesn’t change the fact that its already integrated into your awareness.
I cant tell you how many times my journals said things like it cant be true, its not true, this isn’t happening. Denying it pushing it away. No matter what you call it, it doesn’t change the fact that I now knew that problem existed, I now know about that picture, that memoriy or that emotion. It was integrated and nothing was going to change it, make it go back to being unintegrated again. I was just fooling myself and causing myself needless stress and pain.
It’s a hard pill to swallow finding drawings / pictures, feeling emotions, knowing that a memory snippet or whole exists. No doubt about it post integration is horrible sometimes.
How do you know you have entered this stage… when you find those pictures, when you feel those emotions, when you have those memories, when these things are no longer dissociated out of your awareness to where you could go on with life as if nothing had happened, and everything is hunky dory.
As my therapist said to me one day when I asked her w hen I would be integrated and post integration…. “Honey you have always been in integration from the day you took your first breath, you will always be in integration until you take your last breath, post integration is just how you deal with whats been integrated.
How did I deal with the fact that my brain has integrated pictures, memories, emotions, traumatic events out of being dissociated, and into my conscious awareness. Not so good sometimes. Other times great, and other times fair.
Pictures were the easiest to deal with. I would look at the drawings that I would find and pull out family photos .. wow will you look at that, that house in the drawing is the same house from 19 such and such when I was this age. Now I know which of my alters drew this picture. This alters sense of gency is this and that so now I know the context in what was going on in this drawing.
now they have a word for this called “Reality remains intact”, DID is a dissociative disorder where reality remains intact, bitter pill to swallow sometimes depending upon what the picture is depicting but things in the drawings can be matched to reality. No that does not mean when I found pictures depicting monsters and graves and such things were literal reality. Human beings experience things through the senses. The pictures of monsters and such showed emotions in the drawings. I actually had a treatment provider who tried to tell me I was a SRA survivor when she saw one of my picture. I actually contacted her after the change over to DSM 5 diagnostics knocked out religious practices as the cause of the problems. We had a great laugh over the fact that the pictures were not about SRA but rather about how angry and scared my alters were. Back in those days that I had that therapist it was the going on and popular belief that DID was from SRA (religious abuses) now they know that its all about dissociation. Not saying some were not SRA just that cults and SRA now have their own OSDD category name that you don’t find out the name of until you are actually diagnosed with it. this kind of thing is no longer called DID. The reality in tact in these drawings was the emotions that were being represented by the monsters and such in the pictures. I say these were the easiest to figure out because I could literally match them to various parts of my life and because my alters had their own sense of agency. Example Rainy didn’t draw about intimacy she drew about sadness and storms. Thelma didn’t draw about sadness and storms she drew about intimacy issues.

Your post was interesting anandalouise.Thanks for sharing all that.

I kept journals throughout my entire years of therapy.I think it's really interesting and fun sometimes to go through them and read them.I did get rid of all my paper journals though but kept my online journal.That's something I would reccomend ,to journal the therapy process.Many times people may think they're not making progress but can see it unfolding in journals.

My therapist had asked me if I heard voices and I always said no.I thought they were just my own thoughts until he had me keep track of what I was hearing.It took a long time(I think about a year maybe?)to realize my "thoughts" sounded like different ages and genders.I was so used to hearing them,I never knew any different so it was hard for me to gain the awareness of what I was really hearing.

I think that awareness is probably different for everyone.Some might be able to differentiate pretty quickly and for others,like me,it may take awhile.

Of course all the voices stopped after integration and now it really is just my own thoughts going on.

Thanks for this amandalouise and betty_b. I have had internal dialogue for as long as I can remember. And I never quite knew what the difference was between "hearing voices" (outside of my head) vs. that internal dialogue. I knew I never had like auditory hallucinations. So I just never considered the inner voices as anything other than normal. In my mind I don't exactly differentiate between the tones but I have definitely been saying "we" and "us" and "you" and things like that for so long. The moment I am alone in the house, I almost always start a chat with myself, out loud. As if the team has been waiting inside for a chance to finally chat with each other. In fact...it was 5 months ago when I very clearly heard, "I'm right here, (my name.)" It was a comforting tone. A knowing tone. I kept hearing it. Like an unexpected reassurance. "I'm right here. It's going to be okay." It was that "I'm right here" that caused me to start opening my mind about DID. It had never occurred to me that having zero memory from age 4-10 was somewhat unusual. It never occurred to me that little notes I found from myself over the years, or all of the other little signals/breadcrumbs I've been leaving myself over the years were perhaps me, trying to save me and help me. Yesterday, it became clear to me who "I'm right here" was coming from...and I started to cry in this happy/half laughing half shaking my head kind of way. So many things are starting to make sense.

This is an incredible journey of self discovery. I know it won't be easy or resolve overnight. But I really appreciate hearing about your experiences. It gives me hope and allows me to feel less alone.


FearLess47

This post wasn't here when I replied above(I keep forgetting your posts are delayed).

You're right about dealing with things being the hard part

Me too! That last post from amandalouise was not there when I was responding either!

Im sorry ((((( fearless and betty)))))) yes my posts are usually a bit delayed since I prefer to have the help of the moderators with my posts, like stated in other threads english is not my native language, nor the language I use every day. its a work in progress and sometimes my posts can be worded a bit harshly or not the way I meant them to be due to the translators I use and my understanding of the english language. It is just so much easier if I have others previewing my posts too.

I think of it kind of like a writer of books has their friends family and editors reading their works catching possible problems that could be misunderstood due to phrasing and words used.

I also forgot about my delay of posts and accidentally sent in two posts fairly close together. I will try to leave some space between my posts so that this doesnt happen again and confuse you all

onwards and upwards the next thing that my journals mention I had a problem with during this integration process was my having introject type alters.

these kinds of alters dont set out to hurt others outside the body. they are the internalized characteristics of abusers but in the sense of abusing the one that they reside with in.

Example my "bully" didnt go out and bully anyone on the playground, or at work or at my job, at school, younger kids then I was. and as an adult switching into "bully" I didnt feel like beating the crap out of anyone, or otherwise abusing someone or children.

At first when my treatment providers told me I had introject alters I admit it scared me. was I going to be like my abusers hurting others, am I going to have to find out that I have done this that and the other thing to another child, teen or adult.

my treatment provider very quickly put this to rest. she told me that introjects are there to harm the ones they live inside of... they are there to be my abusers of me just like my real abusers harmed me...

example Bully didnt go around calling all the kinds in my school grades stupid or beating them up. Bully called me stupid and berated me and did abusive things to me just like my abusers did those things to me.

it was so hard for me to hear a voice putting me down and doing things with my body when I wasnt aware that they were getting into situations where I would be harmed.

how do you integrate something / someone like this?

it took a lot of hard work.

First I had to understand the reality of what introjects were and why that introject was in my body.

they were in my abusers to be with me when my abusers could not physically be with me. They were there to control ........me.........during times when my abusers were not there to control me.

They literally acted, said and did things against me just as if they were my real abusers standing in front of me abusing me.

once I understood how alters are created and why I had introjects it was a bit easier.

I checked out the laws in my area and discovered that there was no documentations of any criminals saying they had alters that made them commit the crimes that they did. but one very pleasent police officer explained to me that if there was ever anyone in his jurisdiction that would be attempting to excuse their behavior like this the courts are set up where if anyone says their mental disorder made them do something, the court orders psychiatric evaluations some that take up to two years to do, then based on court documents the person is considered guilty except for reason of insanity and remanded to the state mental hospital for no less that 5 years, then after that they can be re evaluated to see if they still have an alternate personality that can or will harm someone. Then he so nicely explained to me that I would know it by now with a long history of abusing others if I had the kind of alters that harm others.

I was very much relieved to know that both the law and my therapist understood that introjects dont harm others just the one they live inside of (me)

that right there took a lot of pressure off of me and my stress level. from there it was just a matter of doing the same things that I and my treatment provider did for my other problems.....

grounding, relaxation and learning how to take care of myself. When I was mentally stronger and understood that I didnt need to be punished, or controlled and was worth being alive, Bully naturally integrated together with me, and then it was up to me whether or not I called myself names and got myself into situations where I would be harmed, just like any other normal person.

Just bumping this thread up.

And...bumping this up again.

Thanks Betty

life after integration for me is a bit challenging at times. As each of my alters became one with me it opened the door for a whole basket of problems to solve, hoops to jump through, quick sand to sink or swim in, caverns to explore.

Life after integration is much more than the typical OMG I remember this now, or I have this feeling now that is found sometimes on all kinds of dissociative forums.

Its like I keep saying about DID. theres more to being DID then switching into alters, having online play dates, fun and games you find on the internet and in books and movies.

Theres more to going through integration and being integrated then what a person can find in books, movies and online.

theres physical aspects (and I don't mean those actors and actresses spazzing all over the place with arms and legs and brain doing and thinking things they don't normally do, we have all seen those meant for comedy DID movies that depict rediculas things so no that's not what I mean) and theres mental aspects and no I don't mean having hallucinations, delusions, voices saying strange things.

like everything else in this thread Im talking about things that are not found on any typical dissociative disorders online groups not even in pay groups. why because anyone can say Im hearing this strange voice or my leg, arm hand or head is acting out against me and others anyone can go to ISSD and emulate their information but not go beyond what they have read...... but only those who actually have been DID and going or gone through integration.

the answer to life after integration is like that childhood movie the wilderness family. in that movie this family of 4 move out of the city to the Alaskan wilderness, so deep in the wilderness that the only transportation is a bi plane that comes once every few months with their supplies. a true wilderness experience complete with having to learn a new way of life and living in the elements and with their surroundings.

life after integration is like learning a whole new way of life, discovering new plants, animals, problems, memories, emotions, its like opening mysterious doors and discovering a huge grizzly bear or a buttercup flower on a moment to moment basis while at the same time using all those 10 plus years of therapy work to keep on everything on track and not slip into dissociation. being so focused and so aware that you notice the least minor dissociative symptom and out of 10 plus years of habit instantly doing the breathing and grounding and tackling the problem with no hesitation. Sometimes a heck of a lot of trial and error but never again slipping into dissociation for you have everything that the alters were right there, not in the way of asking the alters for help but in the normal thought process way.

example Rainy was my dissociative alter that dealt with storms and depression. everything she is and was is now integrated with me. this means if I am out doing something and it starts to rain I don't stand there in the rain getting wet trying to access rainy to find out how to deal with this massive rain storm. I think why am I getting irritated and cold and wet, look up, rain, time to open my umbrella. I don't have to stand there and go ok rainy its raining what do I do now and wait for the answer.

but what most people don't realize about integration was that in order to do that I also had to re learn things like carrying an umbrella with me, I had to learn what feelings were, learn how to express those feelings, learn how to check in with myself to see how I am feeling, make it a habit to watch the weather so that I knew when to carry my umbrella, I also had to deal with the memory of being abused during a rain storm, I had to relearn self care, self nurturing tools. I mean lot of good it would have done me to do the trauma therapy around that trauma if I didn't know when to carry the umbrella and wear weather appropriate clothing.. lot of good dealing with those memories would have done if I hadn't learned to recognize how I was feeling mentally and emotionally....

this and so much more is involved with life after integration.