[Angie84]

Hey, I suffer from dissociation where I experience a kind of outer body sensation where it feels as though I'm standing behind me watching myself.

Possible trigger:

I also have a part of me that is called Viktor (I know this as he showed me an image of me carving his name into my scalp). Anyway... yesterday Viktor was present and I was there standing behind me watching myself cut into my wrist and lacerate the radial artery. The ambulance service called the police as they thought I was going to die (obviously I didn't, and I didn't want to). I had the artery tied off under local anaesthetic and the wound closed. My problem now is that Viktor does not like the artery being tied off and wants to reopen the wound and remove the tie.

I really don't want this to happen, but I'm scared I dissociate again and it happens. Any advice is welcome, and sorry for the long speel.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Angie84

Hey, I suffer from dissociation where I experience a kind of outer body sensation where it feels as though I'm standing behind me watching myself.

Possible trigger:

I also have a part of me that is called Viktor (I know this as he showed me an image of me carving his name into my scalp). Anyway... yesterday Viktor was present and I was there standing behind me watching myself cut into my wrist and lacerate the radial artery. The ambulance service called the police as they thought I was going to die (obviously I didn't, and I didn't want to). I had the artery tied off under local anaesthetic and the wound closed. My problem now is that Viktor does not like the artery being tied off and wants to reopen the wound and remove the tie.

I really don't want this to happen, but I'm scared I dissociate again and it happens. Any advice is welcome, and sorry for the long speel.

welcome...I dont know about scotland (your profile location) but here in america this out of body feeling due to self injury is pretty common but not called dissociation here. its a definition thing here that changed in 2013.

maybe if you understood about self injury more it would help you.... here where I am when a person self injures their brain makes their body make a chemical reaction called endorphins, this makes a person feel spaced out, numb, extra calm, and not emotional.

maybe thats whats behind this and how to control feeling like this.

example when I would self injure it was to be able to leave behind the stress and problems and get that feeling of calmness, numbness, no emotion kind os spaced out feeling.

but with therapy and special things like learning grounding, relaxation I learned I could feel calm with out the self injuring.

these are the same things that people who dissociate use in order to stay grounded/ not dissociating.

maybe you can contact your medical doctor or your mental health treatment provider who can help you to learn these and other grounding techniques that will help you to not self injure and in turn not feel what your location calls dissociation.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Angie: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I think the only advice I can offer is to reach out, in real life, for the help you need. (Perhaps there will be other members who will have suggestions they can offer.) We here on PC want to be as supportive as possible. But there's obviously a limit to what we can do. Situations such as the one you describe require real life intervention to my mind. I noticed this is your first post here on PC though. So... welcome to Psych Central. I hope you keep posting & that you find PC to be of benefit.

[Rive1976]

Im sorry that happened to you. I am surprised they did not keep you in the hospital. You concerns are valid. Can you get a therapist? Maybe they could help you stay present so this doesnt happen again.

[downandlonely]

Hi Angie and welcome to Psych Central

This does sound serious. I would go back to the hospital and tell them you are concerned for your safety. They can keep you safe until this gets sorted out.

[Amyjay]

Hello and welcome. I agree with the others. It sounds like you and your system might benefit from higher level of care than outpatient atm. Have you got a therapist currently?

[Angie84]

Hey, thanks for all your replies. I maybe should have said that I have input from a psychiatrist and a psychologist. They psychologist has advised that I harm myself when I dissociate as there is a part named Viktor who takes over and wants me to die (or exit as my psychologist calls it). I spoke to my psychiatrist over the phone the day after it happened and spoke of my concerns, she spoke about hospital but stated that she did not think it would be good for me long term so she won't admit me. I have a few grounding techniques that help when I feel myself losing a sense of reality, but I don't always get that feeling.

Hey hi welcome to pc...

I’m sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time with another part, but am also relieved that you do have professional help that is aware and trying to do something about the situation.

Has anyone tried communicating with Victor to find out why? Can you reach out and send him hugs? Even the worse and hurting in us require love. When I started caring for my worst parts, they settled down.

Good luck hon.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Angie84

Hey, thanks for all your replies. I maybe should have said that I have input from a psychiatrist and a psychologist. They psychologist has advised that I harm myself when I dissociate as there is a part named Viktor who takes over and wants me to die (or exit as my psychologist calls it). I spoke to my psychiatrist over the phone the day after it happened and spoke of my concerns, she spoke about hospital but stated that she did not think it would be good for me long term so she won't admit me. I have a few grounding techniques that help when I feel myself losing a sense of reality, but I don't always get that feeling.

here where I am and with me and my violent alter every time this alter acted out in self injury I was hospitalized. you see here where I am we have some very strong laws where if a treatment provider knows about a dangerous situation like my violent alters my therapist could lose their credentials and be prosecuted for making sure I could not get hurt or others would not get hurt. So at the very least I was hospitalized for 72 hours while the hospital assessed the situation and made sure I was no longer a danger to myself and other.s

these hospitalizations at first didnt seem to be helping but eventually by my treatment provider following through every time, my violent alter realized they could not act out in violence. that when it happened everyone would be held accountable. its one body so what happened with one body happened to all.

after a few hospitalizations my violent alter started using less violent ways to handle things that triggered that alter to act out.

maybe you can talk with your treatment providers and develop a treatment plan that will work for you and this violent alter so that you wont continue to get hurt.

maybe you can look back on your life and see whether this violent behavior has been happening all your life and how your system of alters have handled it all your life

DID is not something that just comes on a person one day, its something that is with you your whole life so everything that happens because of DID happens since very early childhood.

my point maybe you can contact your doctors and they can tell you what they have done for you when you were a child to prevent this from happening, I mean when a person needs such serious treatment for such a serious wound people dont stand by and do nothing when a very young child is doing this and has this happening to them...so maybe you can find out how this was controlled and taken care of by your parents, family, friends, doctors when you were little. and find out how your system of alters prevented or took care of this situation when you were little.

your treatment providers can help you locate all your past medical and mental health records, school records and so on where this was happening in your lifetime of being DID / dissociative and help you make treatment plans that can help you to control/ stop this kind of thing now.

[Angie84]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Hey hi welcome to pc...

I’m sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time with another part, but am also relieved that you do have professional help that is aware and trying to do something about the situation.

Has anyone tried communicating with Victor to find out why? Can you reach out and send him hugs? Even the worse and hurting in us require love. When I started caring for my worst parts, they settled down.

Good luck hon.

Thanks for your reply. Viktor does not like my psychiatrist so he stays very much inside me during those sessions, despite the fact she has said that he needs to be nurtured and felt cared about. My psychologist sees him as someone that needs to be reasoned with, she tries to talk to him but I think he may be scared to let other people in, as he believes he is protecting me and that no one else can do that. My psychologist said that he did develop as a protective part during childhood trauma, and that he now needs to learn other options rather than suicide.