[Lilly2]

Some alters can handle some things, whereas other alters cannot. So, to the average Joe (or Jane), my boundaries will probably come off confusing until we, as a system, agree on all of our boundaries without being so limited that I live like a hermit.

Oh, wait, that's right - WE DO LIVE LIKE HERMITS! LOL, but seriously.

I don't mind making friends with trustworthy, kind men. But, in general, when a man (as opposed to a woman) approaches me with all of these questions up front, it's hard as a sexual assault survivor to suss out the difference between a man who is coming on too strong versus someone (regardless of their gender) who is trying to get to know me better. Either way, I state my boundaries immediately, that I have difficulty with answering too personal of questions early on, especially with men (but sometimes with women), and online, I almost* never* disclose my real identity, save a few who I feel I could trust (but then again, I've been burned before from some people who had serious issues with, well, their issues).

Anyway, I welcome PM's from anyone, but when it comes to advice-seeking, I tend to refer those requests back to the boards, since I feel like I don't want to be singled out as the "only" support system. It depends, however, how well I know the person or get to know the person on the forums. Sometimes things are best discussed in private, but maybe that's what chats are for in the chat section with more than one person there, so that it doesn't become a potential "stalking" situation, where one person is perceiving the other person as their only source of support, and where the supporter is feeling overwhelmed. I've been stalked, and I've been needy as well, but in general, I like things to be balanced, even though some parts of my system do not.

One thing that I've noticed is that I have different levels of openness and trust. Some of my alters are too scared to trust anyone, whereas other alters are cautious but open to making new friends. It becomes harder when those friends are male because I'm afraid of being attacked. Then again, I'm reminded by other alters that we were attacked by females as well. Eek.

In general, I like to take it slow when getting to know people through chat or PM. On the forums, I don't mind being more open because there is more accountability and safety in numbers; people can see the exchanges taking place. In PMs, however, people cannot. It's hard, especially, when people are PMing you about SI or SH or other issues, which is what I've dealt many years ago online, and which is what I just do not feel comfortable with in private, primarily because I've dealt with (and have overcome) SI an SH with my alters, and we no longer struggle with that. It's hard sometimes to receive private requests when someone is struggling like that, because the only thing we feel safe to do is refer them to hotlines, resources, or back to the forums where all of us can work together to help one another. I, alone, cannot be the single point of resource for anyone at the moment because I'm dealing with so much as it is. I don't mind helping, but I need the openness that the forums allow for me to help. Otherwise, I feel like I'm taking on a T's job, and that's not my role. I want to be a support, not a replacement pseudo-T. There's also a reason why I decided not to go to grad school to become a T; I truly do have many unresolved issues, and a job as a T has limitations, such as balanced reciprocity and support between two people. The T supports you, but you don't support the T. In friendships and online acquaintanceships, you have the freedom to share and support. I have the freedom to share things that a T wouldn't, and I love that freedom. I'm not there to provide treatment; I'm there as a fellow survivor who provides support, even if I'm not returned support. I realize that we all struggle, but my boundaries need to be there to provide me safety and others I engage with safety.

That said, my alters and I need to figure out a way where we can agree on boundaries so that one alter is not apologetic after a boundary has been made, another alter is upset inside for the apologizing alter, etc. And while all this dialogue is going on inside my head, I realize how confusing I am as a singular person that others see and read online.



(((safe hugs to me and my parts, LOL)))

[Lilly2]

But, and a big BUT here, once I get to know a person, I don't mind helping and supporting or hearing about struggles the person is facing. I don't want to come off standoff-ish either. It's just when I barely meet someone (like engaged in only one post with a new member), and that someone shares their deepest secrets with me, I don't know yet how to handle that. Maybe I lack empathy in that regard because I'm too worried about my own safety, or because I'm worried about the safety of others when I'm limited to what I, myself, can offer. That said, it doesn't mean I don't care. I genuinely do care. I just want to figure out a healthy way to engage with others, like taking relationships slowly, which feels safer for me.

When someone gets upset because I haven't met their expectations, I feel bad. I question what I said was wrong. I want to repair the situation, but I also want to distance myself from a potentially unhealthy relationship, too.

There's a balance to these things, and each person has their own level of safety boundaries. For me and my system, we have a lot of safety boundaries, but it doesn't mean I don't want to be friends. It does mean that our friendship might have some frictions because of our different boundaries.

And herein lies the problem: My relationships with my own alters have frictions when it comes to levels of safety and their boundaries. There are some things that some of my alters have not processed in therapy yet, and that means there are some things that I, as a person/host, have not processed in therapy yet. I don't mind discussing those things when I feel safe to do so, but I also need a safe place to go to when I need to debrief, pace, and contain those overwhelming intrusions, flashbacks, nightmares, thoughts, and emotions.

I don't know how to explain this at all without coming off as standoffish. I don't want to lose any of the friends I've made on PC for explaining this. All of the friends I've engaged with are great, and I enjoy all of their PMs to me.

The only thing I ask for those whom I've just met, who are brand new to PC, or who I've engaged with only once or twice online, is that I need time to get to know you, and I really need to have my boundaries understood in a way that they don't take personally. I'm not mad or blaming anyone; everyone has their own levels of engagement and issues to deal with. I'm just afraid of men, in general, and of outing who I am IRL. I'd prefer to be addressed by a pseudonym, except for the few people whom I've engaged with IRL via email (I'm okay with you guys, so no worries, and if I feel triggered by something, I will let you know). I'm also okay with the many people I've PM'd over the past few days and/or weeks. No worries there. It's just a couple of new PMs that I had to state my boundaries to them, and I feel bad, but it's because they announced that they were male and had shared some things that I wasn't ready for, and didn't know that I wasn't ready for until they had shared it. I don't know them, and I want to be a support for them, but I feel safer doing so on the forums with men.

But, once I get to know a safe person, no matter their gender, or once I get to know a safe person whose gender I'm not privy to until later on, then I'm okay, since we've already had established a rapport without the gender announcement in the past, and so I'm totally okay with that.

Oh gosh, I hope I'm making some sense.

I'm sorry. I have to be apologetic here because I don't know how else to explain all this.

[Lilly2]

Um, yeah.

[Betty_Banana]

I get what you're saying. But IDK,I think sometimes things like this are better said in private? Like if someone is causing me to feel uncomfortable due to PM's I have received letting them know that via PM is the route I take to handle it. Or I just add them to my ignore list.I do it all privately, behind the scenes so as to not offend or hurt anyone or single anyone out.

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

I get what you're saying. But IDK,I think sometimes things like this are better said in private? Like if someone is causing me to feel uncomfortable due to PM's I have received letting them know that via PM is the route I take to handle it. Or I just add them to my ignore list.I do it all privately, behind the scenes so as to not offend or hurt anyone or single anyone out.

That makes sense. I think PM is great for that.

[Betty_Banana]

Not all of what I said was posted for some reason so I'm adding it here.

I am very careful who I PM and what PM's I respond to.Mostly because people can claim to be anyone they want anonymously online.I very rarely interact with anyone off the boards.Im just very cautious.

When I was still dissociative I didn't like it when I would find PM's that were sent by alters( not here at PC but on other forums).It would be shocking and upsetting to see them and read them.And kind of dangerous really,especially since I had no clue it was happening.

It sounds like you have much awareness of what your alters do so it's probably easier for you to be in control of who they interact with and who/what they respond to?

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

Not all of what I said was posted for some reason so I'm adding it here.

I am very careful who I PM and what PM's I respond to.Mostly because people can claim to be anyone they want anonymously online.I very rarely interact with anyone off the boards.Im just very cautious.

When I was still dissociative I didn't like it when I would find PM's that were sent by alters( not here at PC but on other forums).It would be shocking and upsetting to see them and read them.And kind of dangerous really,especially since I had no clue it was happening.

It sounds like you have much awareness of what your alters do so it's probably easier for you to be in control of who they interact with and who/what they respond to?

Thank you! @Betty_Banana

Years ago, like over a decade, I didn't have that much awareness of my alters, so online groups were frightening. Later, however, while offline, I learned to be more co-conscious. Nowadays, PC is the first online group I tried out since my return. I like it. I don't think I can handle any more online groups though, just this one. But I do have more control and awareness of my system, so it does help.

PM can be really scary when it's someone you don't recognize or when conversations weren't remembered. I'm sorry you struggled with that in the past. (((safe hugs))) It sounds like you have excellent boundaries today though.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Lilly2

Um, yeah.

((( safe hugs )))

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

((( safe hugs )))

Thank you! @Fuzzybear

I needed the safe hugs!

[Fuzzybear]

((( safe hugs )))
I think this is a really good thread. I hope you don't mind me ''quoting'' this post. I have, very occasionally, sent a pm to a member on pc or another online group and received no reply. That is absolutely fine... I rarely send PMs anyway except to a few trusted people. I have also occasionally had people being mad at me for not having replied to a PM of theirs within say 12 hours.
I do (kinda) live like a ''hermit'' irl, I've been hurt by so many who completely misunderstood me. And who were very abusive. I can be confusing, but not that confusing. Everyone deserves respect (unless obviously abusive and then blocking them is an answer hopefully) Or irl some have insulted me and then closed their door. My grrrr bear didn't have a quick enough response and I was in freeze mode

((( safe hugs )))

Originally Posted by Lilly2

Some alters can handle some things, whereas other alters cannot. So, to the average Joe (or Jane), my boundaries will probably come off confusing until we, as a system, agree on all of our boundaries without being so limited that I live like a hermit.

Oh, wait, that's right - WE DO LIVE LIKE HERMITS! LOL, but seriously.

I don't mind making friends with trustworthy, kind men. But, in general, when a man (as opposed to a woman) approaches me with all of these questions up front, it's hard as a sexual assault survivor to suss out the difference between a man who is coming on too strong versus someone (regardless of their gender) who is trying to get to know me better. Either way, I state my boundaries immediately, that I have difficulty with answering too personal of questions early on, especially with men (but sometimes with women), and online, I almost* never* disclose my real identity, save a few who I feel I could trust (but then again, I've been burned before from some people who had serious issues with, well, their issues).

Anyway, I welcome PM's from anyone, but when it comes to advice-seeking, I tend to refer those requests back to the boards, since I feel like I don't want to be singled out as the "only" support system. It depends, however, how well I know the person or get to know the person on the forums. Sometimes things are best discussed in private, but maybe that's what chats are for in the chat section with more than one person there, so that it doesn't become a potential "stalking" situation, where one person is perceiving the other person as their only source of support, and where the supporter is feeling overwhelmed. I've been stalked, and I've been needy as well, but in general, I like things to be balanced, even though some parts of my system do not.

One thing that I've noticed is that I have different levels of openness and trust. Some of my alters are too scared to trust anyone, whereas other alters are cautious but open to making new friends. It becomes harder when those friends are male because I'm afraid of being attacked. Then again, I'm reminded by other alters that we were attacked by females as well. Eek.

In general, I like to take it slow when getting to know people through chat or PM. On the forums, I don't mind being more open because there is more accountability and safety in numbers; people can see the exchanges taking place. In PMs, however, people cannot. It's hard, especially, when people are PMing you about SI or SH or other issues, which is what I've dealt many years ago online, and which is what I just do not feel comfortable with in private, primarily because I've dealt with (and have overcome) SI an SH with my alters, and we no longer struggle with that. It's hard sometimes to receive private requests when someone is struggling like that, because the only thing we feel safe to do is refer them to hotlines, resources, or back to the forums where all of us can work together to help one another. I, alone, cannot be the single point of resource for anyone at the moment because I'm dealing with so much as it is. I don't mind helping, but I need the openness that the forums allow for me to help. Otherwise, I feel like I'm taking on a T's job, and that's not my role. I want to be a support, not a replacement pseudo-T. There's also a reason why I decided not to go to grad school to become a T; I truly do have many unresolved issues, and a job as a T has limitations, such as balanced reciprocity and support between two people. The T supports you, but you don't support the T. In friendships and online acquaintanceships, you have the freedom to share and support. I have the freedom to share things that a T wouldn't, and I love that freedom. I'm not there to provide treatment; I'm there as a fellow survivor who provides support, even if I'm not returned support. I realize that we all struggle, but my boundaries need to be there to provide me safety and others I engage with safety.

That said, my alters and I need to figure out a way where we can agree on boundaries so that one alter is not apologetic after a boundary has been made, another alter is upset inside for the apologizing alter, etc. And while all this dialogue is going on inside my head, I realize how confusing I am as a singular person that others see and read online.



(((safe hugs to me and my parts, LOL)))

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

((( safe hugs )))
I think this is a really good thread. I hope you don't mind me ''quoting'' this post. I have, very occasionally, sent a pm to a member on pc or another online group and received no reply. That is absolutely fine... I rarely send PMs anyway except to a few trusted people. I have also occasionally had people being mad at me for not having replied to a PM of theirs within say 12 hours.
I do (kinda) live like a ''hermit'' irl, I've been hurt by so many who completely misunderstood me. And who were very abusive. I can be confusing, but not that confusing. Everyone deserves respect (unless obviously abusive and then blocking them is an answer hopefully) Or irl some have insulted me and then closed their door. My grrrr bear didn't have a quick enough response and I was in freeze mode

((( safe hugs )))

Thank you @Fuzzybear

I'm sorry you struggled with this, too. I tend to freeze, too. We have protector alters, but sometimes they aren't quick enough.

(((safe hugs)))

[Fuzzybear]

This definitely makes sense to me ((( safe hugs )))

Originally Posted by Lilly2

But, and a big BUT here, once I get to know a person, I don't mind helping and supporting or hearing about struggles the person is facing. I don't want to come off standoff-ish either. It's just when I barely meet someone (like engaged in only one post with a new member), and that someone shares their deepest secrets with me, I don't know yet how to handle that. Maybe I lack empathy in that regard because I'm too worried about my own safety, or because I'm worried about the safety of others when I'm limited to what I, myself, can offer. That said, it doesn't mean I don't care. I genuinely do care. I just want to figure out a healthy way to engage with others, like taking relationships slowly, which feels safer for me.

When someone gets upset because I haven't met their expectations, I feel bad. I question what I said was wrong. I want to repair the situation, but I also want to distance myself from a potentially unhealthy relationship, too.

There's a balance to these things, and each person has their own level of safety boundaries. For me and my system, we have a lot of safety boundaries, but it doesn't mean I don't want to be friends. It does mean that our friendship might have some frictions because of our different boundaries.

And herein lies the problem: My relationships with my own alters have frictions when it comes to levels of safety and their boundaries. There are some things that some of my alters have not processed in therapy yet, and that means there are some things that I, as a person/host, have not processed in therapy yet. I don't mind discussing those things when I feel safe to do so, but I also need a safe place to go to when I need to debrief, pace, and contain those overwhelming intrusions, flashbacks, nightmares, thoughts, and emotions.

I don't know how to explain this at all without coming off as standoffish. I don't want to lose any of the friends I've made on PC for explaining this. All of the friends I've engaged with are great, and I enjoy all of their PMs to me.

The only thing I ask for those whom I've just met, who are brand new to PC, or who I've engaged with only once or twice online, is that I need time to get to know you, and I really need to have my boundaries understood in a way that they don't take personally. I'm not mad or blaming anyone; everyone has their own levels of engagement and issues to deal with. I'm just afraid of men, in general, and of outing who I am IRL. I'd prefer to be addressed by a pseudonym, except for the few people whom I've engaged with IRL via email (I'm okay with you guys, so no worries, and if I feel triggered by something, I will let you know). I'm also okay with the many people I've PM'd over the past few days and/or weeks. No worries there. It's just a couple of new PMs that I had to state my boundaries to them, and I feel bad, but it's because they announced that they were male and had shared some things that I wasn't ready for, and didn't know that I wasn't ready for until they had shared it. I don't know them, and I want to be a support for them, but I feel safer doing so on the forums with men.

But, once I get to know a safe person, no matter their gender, or once I get to know a safe person whose gender I'm not privy to until later on, then I'm okay, since we've already had established a rapport without the gender announcement in the past, and so I'm totally okay with that.

Oh gosh, I hope I'm making some sense.

I'm sorry. I have to be apologetic here because I don't know how else to explain all this.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Lilly2

Thank you @Fuzzybear

I'm sorry you struggled with this, too. I tend to freeze, too. We have protector alters, but sometimes they aren't quick enough.

(((safe hugs)))

((( safe hugs )))

[Fuzzybear]

Sometimes my grrrr bear was too quick to protect (far in the past) … or maybe it was that the other person who was rude and lacking in empathy was in fact very mean.
(not about anyone on pc)

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Sometimes my grrrr bear was too quick to protect (far in the past) … or maybe it was that the other person who was rude and lacking in empathy was in fact very mean.
(not about anyone on pc)

You know @Fuzzybear I was just thinking a similar thing, too! That's too funny. My protector alters may not come out fast enough at some times, but there are other times when they are quick to fly out and harp on anyone. Your grrr bear sounds awesome!

Yes, there are mean people in the world who do not have the skills (yet) to be kind, so yes, we do need to defend ourselves in those situations. It may be "grizzly," but our protector alters (like your grr bear) do a good job in handling those things.

I try to learn from the protector alters. It's not always easy. I'm too forgiving.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Lilly2

You know @Fuzzybear I was just thinking a similar thing, too! That's too funny. My protector alters may not come out fast enough at some times, but there are other times when they are quick to fly out and harp on anyone. Your grrr bear sounds awesome!

Yes, there are mean people in the world who do not have the skills (yet) to be kind, so yes, we do need to defend ourselves in those situations. It may be "grizzly," but our protector alters (like your grr bear) do a good job in handling those things.

I try to learn from the protector alters. It's not always easy. I'm too forgiving.

It may be ''grizzly'' that made me

[Fuzzybear]

I've often been too forgiving too. And, ironically, that made me more likely to be painted black, by someone who hasn't .. yet.. learnt the skills to be kind... painted black as ''a bad person''

My grrr bear usually does a good job..

(not about anyone on pc)

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I've often been too forgiving too. And, ironically, that made me more likely to be painted black, by someone who hasn't .. yet.. learnt the skills to be kind... painted black as ''a bad person''

My grrr bear usually does a good job..

(not about anyone on pc)

Me too. I've been the "black sheep" in my family. But, I figured, black sheep are cool sheep. We're unique sheep. We're not bad sheep.

Black grizzly bears are cool, too! There's no bad grizzlies. They are good protector grizzlies. Grizzlies come in all colors and shapes: Grizzly vs Black Bear | Know the Difference - BearSmart.com

What grizzlies have is that cute hump behind their neck. The black grizzly bears are cute!

They have different kinds of bears where I live now. I moved closer to the mountains. I'm not sure yet how to survive a bear encounter, but they have classes nearby.

(((safe hugs)))

[Lilly2]

Hope it was okay for me to say all that, @Fuzzybear

I just looked up the grizzly bear to find black grizzly bear, but I think they call them dark grizzly bears because there's a black bear type, too. I'm learning a lot about bears lately.

You probably know all this though. But I like bears, too.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Lilly2

Me too. I've been the "black sheep" in my family. But, I figured, black sheep are cool sheep. We're unique sheep. We're not bad sheep.

Black grizzly bears are cool, too! There's no bad grizzlies. They are good protector grizzlies. Grizzlies come in all colors and shapes: Grizzly vs Black Bear | Know the Difference - BearSmart.com

What grizzlies have is that cute hump behind their neck. The black grizzly bears are cute!

They have different kinds of bears where I live now. I moved closer to the mountains. I'm not sure yet how to survive a bear encounter, but they have classes nearby.

(((safe hugs)))

Thanks for this post

There aren't other bears nearby outside our cave. We don't live close to the mountains.

I like spirit bears too

((( safe hugs )))

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Lilly2

Hope it was okay for me to say all that, @Fuzzybear

I just looked up the grizzly bear to find black grizzly bear, but I think they call them dark grizzly bears because there's a black bear type, too. I'm learning a lot about bears lately.

You probably know all this though. But I like bears, too.

[Lilly2]

We like Care Bears, too! Have you heard of the Care Bears?

Spirit bears sound really nice and cool, too!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Lilly2

We like Care Bears, too! Have you heard of the Care Bears?

Spirit bears sound really nice and cool, too!

I have heard of Care Bears, they are cute