I am feeling depressed, but hopeful.

this week I have had a few calls which I hope go some way to getting what I want (which is mainly to move and to have a better mental health team).

we'll see..

yesterday I had another one of those calls

it wasn't bad, but it also wasn't the result I was hoping for (so I was a little depressed about that)

but apart from that.. mood's good, eating well, sleeping not at all (so the norm for me), and I don't have to shower today- it is always a plus!

lots of thoughts of previous trauma and even quite a severe panic attack

not a great start to the weekend. actually quite a horrible day

I wish my brain didn't jump ahead of itself. (could have sworn I posted in this thread this morning)

anyway, not a great day for me really, nothing that needed doing, not a great mood, and not really much to look forward too (though the plus side is that I did eat something)

[*Beth*]

I'm losing memories of posts, etc. I've written. I read a post, want to comment on it, scroll down to read other posts in the thread and see my name and apparently something I've written a month ago, few days ago, a day ago, 3 hours ago. No memory at all of having previously read, let alone posted, on the thread. This happens over and over for at least a year; much longer, I think. It's scaring me. It's as though someone else is using me to write things that I have no knowledge of.

Brought it up with my therapist today; her comment was that she doesn't have much experience with memory work () and that I should bring it up with my pdoc. Load of shite. She said that because we have to do teletherapy and she has "changed the format" of our therapy while we were in the center of doing trauma work. The new format is straight CBT. Drop the trauma, be grateful for the work I've done (), carry on.

I'm checking out, going to sleep. I have to keep myself safe. I've left and someone with a simpler mind will take my place, sit in my chair, watch that stupid camera. While wearing headphones.

just a quick ramble about loss of time: could have sworn that this afternoon I watched tv, but I don't remember what I watched

bleh I really hate that when that happens

[starriednights]

Today is not good for me, very prone to switching, and no one who's been out is having a pleasant time. We were supposed to have an intake today but, it was scheduled months ago and I think the person forgot... I kinda needed to reach out to a professional today but, I'll make it I suppose.

I wish I had a lighter note, but the past few days have been a living hell. Take good care, everyone. And here's hoping things look up.

[*Beth*]

It felt soothing and amazing to be recognized by our T today. Now we have work to do

i am being very confused by me. i know i am who i am, but something in me wants me to be someone else who is kind of opposite. i’m hoping i can talk to someone because i am just being harassed by someone else in me who is there but isn’t and this someone else who is demon-like has created a woman without personality who is waiting to take over.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by extirpatealone

i am being very confused by me. i know i am who i am, but something in me wants me to be someone else who is kind of opposite. i’m hoping i can talk to someone because i am just being harassed by someone else in me who is there but isn’t and this someone else who is demon-like has created a woman without personality who is waiting to take over.

I see that you newly joined psych central in may. welcome. my suggestion is talk with your therapist (another of your posts stated you have a therapist) they will be able to explain to you what your diagnosis is and help you clarify be less confused, in ways that people online can not do for you. in reality your therapist is the best person for you to get any information as they know how to tell you things in a way that wont confuse or go against your treatment plans they and you are working on. for example what did they say your diagnosis is... this is turn can answer why you feel you may have someone else inside you that is harassing you. dissociative disorders usually dont have someone inside that harasses then or is a demon like, in fact theres diagnostics that state the problem can not be religious practices like spirits and demons. but there are other mental disorders that do take this into consideration. so getting information here on your problem could possibly either leave you hanging or causing more problems. so please contact your therapist and let them know what you are feeling, they are best able to help you.

[childofchaos831]

We talked to our pdoc about getting the official DID diagnosis on our chart again. It was there years ago and just got lost over the years. Our T has it as our primary diagnosis, but it's not there with our pdoc... We just want it there on both. It feels more affirming.

[Claritytoo]

I had a difficult time finding this forum and I almost had a panic attack. I talked to my dr and told her I am having a ton of anxiety and depression. She said my meds are correct and I should be ok. WTF.
I was recently diagnosed with cancer. I went through treatment and am now on meds for the rest of my life. I hope the cancer don't come back. One of the voices told me I will die at age 68. I am presently 63, oddly enough knowing I had until I am 68 gave me hope during my fight against cancer. Knowing when I will die is strange. It's not like life is guaranteed. We can go at anytime but it causes me to value my time. It has also affected the choices I am making. Such as getting a dog. I don't want to get a dog that will be left behind when I die. So I have been looking to adopt a senior dog. I also have stopped looking for a place to buy. Such as a condo, coop, mobile home. Its not worth the trouble of purchase if I only have 5 years. Right now I am living in a small studio apartment near the water and feel safe. So I think I will be here awhile. I intend on getting life insurance for my funeral and my family. I also need to get a health care proxy just in case. As far as the rest of us we have become very quite. Except the other day, we were driving and I realized that the one driving wasn't that good at it. They are younger. I told them to pay attention and stop fooling around. Finally I ask us if the one who drives could take the wheel and get us where we need to be. She did. But I can't understand why she wasn't driving in the beginning. Why she let someone else drive. It was like all of a sudden driving wasn't an important thing. It is. I hope she is ok with my thoughts. Well I could continue all night but Ill stop here. It feels good to be able to come somewhere and just talk about us.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I had a difficult time finding this forum and I almost had a panic attack. I talked to my dr and told her I am having a ton of anxiety and depression. She said my meds are correct and I should be ok. WTF.
I was recently diagnosed with cancer. I went through treatment and am now on meds for the rest of my life. I hope the cancer don't come back. One of the voices told me I will die at age 68. I am presently 63, oddly enough knowing I had until I am 68 gave me hope during my fight against cancer. Knowing when I will die is strange. It's not like life is guaranteed. We can go at anytime but it causes me to value my time. It has also affected the choices I am making. Such as getting a dog. I don't want to get a dog that will be left behind when I die. So I have been looking to adopt a senior dog. I also have stopped looking for a place to buy. Such as a condo, coop, mobile home. Its not worth the trouble of purchase if I only have 5 years. Right now I am living in a small studio apartment near the water and feel safe. So I think I will be here awhile. I intend on getting life insurance for my funeral and my family. I also need to get a health care proxy just in case. As far as the rest of us we have become very quite. Except the other day, we were driving and I realized that the one driving wasn't that good at it. They are younger. I told them to pay attention and stop fooling around. Finally I ask us if the one who drives could take the wheel and get us where we need to be. She did. But I can't understand why she wasn't driving in the beginning. Why she let someone else drive. It was like all of a sudden driving wasn't an important thing. It is. I hope she is ok with my thoughts. Well I could continue all night but Ill stop here. It feels good to be able to come somewhere and just talk about us.

great to see you posting again and congrats on your cancer progress, my alters stopped doing their jobs when they knew that I the aware self was capable and able to do those things on my own and they were on the road to natural integration.

maybe you can check with your alters to see if that was the case... the driver knew you were actually capable and able to drive so was stepping down from doing so automatically. maybe your healing process has advanced to your alters starting to integrate by waiting for you to learn that you can drive the vehicle with out their doing it for you.

another suggestion maybe its time for you to do a refresher course on how to drive. have a friend act as driving instructor. or take a driving class.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I had a difficult time finding this forum and I almost had a panic attack. I talked to my dr and told her I am having a ton of anxiety and depression. She said my meds are correct and I should be ok. WTF.
I was recently diagnosed with cancer. I went through treatment and am now on meds for the rest of my life. I hope the cancer don't come back. One of the voices told me I will die at age 68. I am presently 63, oddly enough knowing I had until I am 68 gave me hope during my fight against cancer. Knowing when I will die is strange. It's not like life is guaranteed. We can go at anytime but it causes me to value my time. It has also affected the choices I am making. Such as getting a dog. I don't want to get a dog that will be left behind when I die. So I have been looking to adopt a senior dog. I also have stopped looking for a place to buy. Such as a condo, coop, mobile home. Its not worth the trouble of purchase if I only have 5 years. Right now I am living in a small studio apartment near the water and feel safe. So I think I will be here awhile. I intend on getting life insurance for my funeral and my family. I also need to get a health care proxy just in case. As far as the rest of us we have become very quite. Except the other day, we were driving and I realized that the one driving wasn't that good at it. They are younger. I told them to pay attention and stop fooling around. Finally I ask us if the one who drives could take the wheel and get us where we need to be. She did. But I can't understand why she wasn't driving in the beginning. Why she let someone else drive. It was like all of a sudden driving wasn't an important thing. It is. I hope she is ok with my thoughts. Well I could continue all night but Ill stop here. It feels good to be able to come somewhere and just talk about us.

Welcome! Is the doctor you talked to a psychiatrist?

I want to mention that no one knows for sure when you (or anyone) will die. I was told I would die at 17; we planned for that. Well, I'm 57. Remember that there's a tremendous amount of fear that is intertwined in our systems, and that includes fear of dying.

Btw, it's wonderful that you're adopting a senior dog!

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

great to see you posting again and congrats on your cancer progress, my alters stopped doing their jobs when they knew that I the aware self was capable and able to do those things on my own and they were on the road to natural integration.

maybe you can check with your alters to see if that was the case... the driver knew you were actually capable and able to drive so was stepping down from doing so automatically. maybe your healing process has advanced to your alters starting to integrate by waiting for you to learn that you can drive the vehicle with out their doing it for you.

another suggestion maybe its time for you to do a refresher course on how to drive. have a friend act as driving instructor. or take a driving class.

Thanks for the encouragement. I think some of us don't see the point of doing anything if we are going to die in 5 years. All our life we have been conscious of the fact that at some point our body dies and we go home. Be that realization was always far away. Now it is in front of us. It's an odd reality. I think some of the apathy is due to depression. Like why get up in the morning. But some of us are the ones who just say push on. Lets get going. Lets enjoy the time we have. That thinking helped us when we were young. And it is helping us now. It does feel like some of us have come inside. Actually it feels like many of us have come inside. Like moved inside. But it seems more like we are preparing for when we have to go. I have two good drivers. One younger in her 20's and the other older like 40's. There are others who will occasionally drive but it should not be in heavy traffic. They don't focus enough. If someone didn't drive I am not certain who would drive. I might drive. I don't know. I will think about what you have said. I am not sure who I would be without everyone. It's unfamiliar. Good to talk, I hope all is well with you.

[Desoxyn]

Dealing with depersonalization every night before I go to bed (From psychedelic overdoses 4 years ago).

When the zopiclone and olanzepine kicks in, it goes away and I fall asleep.

Rarely it turns into derealization anymore. Every time I get derealization, I get an extremely severe panic attack that feels like I've run a marathon.

Exercise is helping.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Welcome! Is the doctor you talked to a psychiatrist?

I want to mention that no one knows for sure when you (or anyone) will die. I was told I would die at 17; we planned for that. Well, I'm 57. Remember that there's a tremendous amount of fear that is intertwined in our systems, and that includes fear of dying.

Btw, it's wonderful that you're adopting a senior dog!

The voice I heard is a voice that I have heard in the past. She has been right about everything she has told me. I wouldn't ask about when I was going to die. So she told me one morning. This voice is not in my head it is from outside my head. She is someone who looks out for us. 40 years I asked about the death of someone I knew. I didn't expect an answer. She said 72. My friend died in 2018 at age 72, I hadn't remembered that I had asked that question until I heard of my friends death. I can't look past what she has told me.

very hard day today.

panic attack, fibro pain, anger at my team, but also some calm moments too

started watching a tv drama I really wanted to start watching so that was nice.

supermarket let me down again for the second week running

need to fix this

otherwise okay

despite my night, I'm feeling pretty good.

I spent the entire night having flashbacks, really intense flashbacks, too

this morning I even doubted my own safety as it was so intense.

but I had breakfast and I've done my self-care for today, so things are running normally

just uggg. last night was bad though. the worst it's been in a while