just a quick ramble about loss of time: could have sworn that this afternoon I watched tv, but I don't remember what I watched

bleh I really hate that when that happens

[starriednights]

Today is not good for me, very prone to switching, and no one who's been out is having a pleasant time. We were supposed to have an intake today but, it was scheduled months ago and I think the person forgot... I kinda needed to reach out to a professional today but, I'll make it I suppose.

I wish I had a lighter note, but the past few days have been a living hell. Take good care, everyone. And here's hoping things look up.

[*Beth*]

It felt soothing and amazing to be recognized by our T today. Now we have work to do

i am being very confused by me. i know i am who i am, but something in me wants me to be someone else who is kind of opposite. i’m hoping i can talk to someone because i am just being harassed by someone else in me who is there but isn’t and this someone else who is demon-like has created a woman without personality who is waiting to take over.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by extirpatealone

i am being very confused by me. i know i am who i am, but something in me wants me to be someone else who is kind of opposite. i’m hoping i can talk to someone because i am just being harassed by someone else in me who is there but isn’t and this someone else who is demon-like has created a woman without personality who is waiting to take over.

I see that you newly joined psych central in may. welcome. my suggestion is talk with your therapist (another of your posts stated you have a therapist) they will be able to explain to you what your diagnosis is and help you clarify be less confused, in ways that people online can not do for you. in reality your therapist is the best person for you to get any information as they know how to tell you things in a way that wont confuse or go against your treatment plans they and you are working on. for example what did they say your diagnosis is... this is turn can answer why you feel you may have someone else inside you that is harassing you. dissociative disorders usually dont have someone inside that harasses then or is a demon like, in fact theres diagnostics that state the problem can not be religious practices like spirits and demons. but there are other mental disorders that do take this into consideration. so getting information here on your problem could possibly either leave you hanging or causing more problems. so please contact your therapist and let them know what you are feeling, they are best able to help you.

[childofchaos831]

We talked to our pdoc about getting the official DID diagnosis on our chart again. It was there years ago and just got lost over the years. Our T has it as our primary diagnosis, but it's not there with our pdoc... We just want it there on both. It feels more affirming.

[Claritytoo]

I had a difficult time finding this forum and I almost had a panic attack. I talked to my dr and told her I am having a ton of anxiety and depression. She said my meds are correct and I should be ok. WTF.
I was recently diagnosed with cancer. I went through treatment and am now on meds for the rest of my life. I hope the cancer don't come back. One of the voices told me I will die at age 68. I am presently 63, oddly enough knowing I had until I am 68 gave me hope during my fight against cancer. Knowing when I will die is strange. It's not like life is guaranteed. We can go at anytime but it causes me to value my time. It has also affected the choices I am making. Such as getting a dog. I don't want to get a dog that will be left behind when I die. So I have been looking to adopt a senior dog. I also have stopped looking for a place to buy. Such as a condo, coop, mobile home. Its not worth the trouble of purchase if I only have 5 years. Right now I am living in a small studio apartment near the water and feel safe. So I think I will be here awhile. I intend on getting life insurance for my funeral and my family. I also need to get a health care proxy just in case. As far as the rest of us we have become very quite. Except the other day, we were driving and I realized that the one driving wasn't that good at it. They are younger. I told them to pay attention and stop fooling around. Finally I ask us if the one who drives could take the wheel and get us where we need to be. She did. But I can't understand why she wasn't driving in the beginning. Why she let someone else drive. It was like all of a sudden driving wasn't an important thing. It is. I hope she is ok with my thoughts. Well I could continue all night but Ill stop here. It feels good to be able to come somewhere and just talk about us.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I had a difficult time finding this forum and I almost had a panic attack. I talked to my dr and told her I am having a ton of anxiety and depression. She said my meds are correct and I should be ok. WTF.
I was recently diagnosed with cancer. I went through treatment and am now on meds for the rest of my life. I hope the cancer don't come back. One of the voices told me I will die at age 68. I am presently 63, oddly enough knowing I had until I am 68 gave me hope during my fight against cancer. Knowing when I will die is strange. It's not like life is guaranteed. We can go at anytime but it causes me to value my time. It has also affected the choices I am making. Such as getting a dog. I don't want to get a dog that will be left behind when I die. So I have been looking to adopt a senior dog. I also have stopped looking for a place to buy. Such as a condo, coop, mobile home. Its not worth the trouble of purchase if I only have 5 years. Right now I am living in a small studio apartment near the water and feel safe. So I think I will be here awhile. I intend on getting life insurance for my funeral and my family. I also need to get a health care proxy just in case. As far as the rest of us we have become very quite. Except the other day, we were driving and I realized that the one driving wasn't that good at it. They are younger. I told them to pay attention and stop fooling around. Finally I ask us if the one who drives could take the wheel and get us where we need to be. She did. But I can't understand why she wasn't driving in the beginning. Why she let someone else drive. It was like all of a sudden driving wasn't an important thing. It is. I hope she is ok with my thoughts. Well I could continue all night but Ill stop here. It feels good to be able to come somewhere and just talk about us.

great to see you posting again and congrats on your cancer progress, my alters stopped doing their jobs when they knew that I the aware self was capable and able to do those things on my own and they were on the road to natural integration.

maybe you can check with your alters to see if that was the case... the driver knew you were actually capable and able to drive so was stepping down from doing so automatically. maybe your healing process has advanced to your alters starting to integrate by waiting for you to learn that you can drive the vehicle with out their doing it for you.

another suggestion maybe its time for you to do a refresher course on how to drive. have a friend act as driving instructor. or take a driving class.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I had a difficult time finding this forum and I almost had a panic attack. I talked to my dr and told her I am having a ton of anxiety and depression. She said my meds are correct and I should be ok. WTF.
I was recently diagnosed with cancer. I went through treatment and am now on meds for the rest of my life. I hope the cancer don't come back. One of the voices told me I will die at age 68. I am presently 63, oddly enough knowing I had until I am 68 gave me hope during my fight against cancer. Knowing when I will die is strange. It's not like life is guaranteed. We can go at anytime but it causes me to value my time. It has also affected the choices I am making. Such as getting a dog. I don't want to get a dog that will be left behind when I die. So I have been looking to adopt a senior dog. I also have stopped looking for a place to buy. Such as a condo, coop, mobile home. Its not worth the trouble of purchase if I only have 5 years. Right now I am living in a small studio apartment near the water and feel safe. So I think I will be here awhile. I intend on getting life insurance for my funeral and my family. I also need to get a health care proxy just in case. As far as the rest of us we have become very quite. Except the other day, we were driving and I realized that the one driving wasn't that good at it. They are younger. I told them to pay attention and stop fooling around. Finally I ask us if the one who drives could take the wheel and get us where we need to be. She did. But I can't understand why she wasn't driving in the beginning. Why she let someone else drive. It was like all of a sudden driving wasn't an important thing. It is. I hope she is ok with my thoughts. Well I could continue all night but Ill stop here. It feels good to be able to come somewhere and just talk about us.

Welcome! Is the doctor you talked to a psychiatrist?

I want to mention that no one knows for sure when you (or anyone) will die. I was told I would die at 17; we planned for that. Well, I'm 57. Remember that there's a tremendous amount of fear that is intertwined in our systems, and that includes fear of dying.

Btw, it's wonderful that you're adopting a senior dog!

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

great to see you posting again and congrats on your cancer progress, my alters stopped doing their jobs when they knew that I the aware self was capable and able to do those things on my own and they were on the road to natural integration.

maybe you can check with your alters to see if that was the case... the driver knew you were actually capable and able to drive so was stepping down from doing so automatically. maybe your healing process has advanced to your alters starting to integrate by waiting for you to learn that you can drive the vehicle with out their doing it for you.

another suggestion maybe its time for you to do a refresher course on how to drive. have a friend act as driving instructor. or take a driving class.

Thanks for the encouragement. I think some of us don't see the point of doing anything if we are going to die in 5 years. All our life we have been conscious of the fact that at some point our body dies and we go home. Be that realization was always far away. Now it is in front of us. It's an odd reality. I think some of the apathy is due to depression. Like why get up in the morning. But some of us are the ones who just say push on. Lets get going. Lets enjoy the time we have. That thinking helped us when we were young. And it is helping us now. It does feel like some of us have come inside. Actually it feels like many of us have come inside. Like moved inside. But it seems more like we are preparing for when we have to go. I have two good drivers. One younger in her 20's and the other older like 40's. There are others who will occasionally drive but it should not be in heavy traffic. They don't focus enough. If someone didn't drive I am not certain who would drive. I might drive. I don't know. I will think about what you have said. I am not sure who I would be without everyone. It's unfamiliar. Good to talk, I hope all is well with you.

[Desoxyn]

Dealing with depersonalization every night before I go to bed (From psychedelic overdoses 4 years ago).

When the zopiclone and olanzepine kicks in, it goes away and I fall asleep.

Rarely it turns into derealization anymore. Every time I get derealization, I get an extremely severe panic attack that feels like I've run a marathon.

Exercise is helping.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Welcome! Is the doctor you talked to a psychiatrist?

I want to mention that no one knows for sure when you (or anyone) will die. I was told I would die at 17; we planned for that. Well, I'm 57. Remember that there's a tremendous amount of fear that is intertwined in our systems, and that includes fear of dying.

Btw, it's wonderful that you're adopting a senior dog!

The voice I heard is a voice that I have heard in the past. She has been right about everything she has told me. I wouldn't ask about when I was going to die. So she told me one morning. This voice is not in my head it is from outside my head. She is someone who looks out for us. 40 years I asked about the death of someone I knew. I didn't expect an answer. She said 72. My friend died in 2018 at age 72, I hadn't remembered that I had asked that question until I heard of my friends death. I can't look past what she has told me.

very hard day today.

panic attack, fibro pain, anger at my team, but also some calm moments too

started watching a tv drama I really wanted to start watching so that was nice.

supermarket let me down again for the second week running

need to fix this

otherwise okay

despite my night, I'm feeling pretty good.

I spent the entire night having flashbacks, really intense flashbacks, too

this morning I even doubted my own safety as it was so intense.

but I had breakfast and I've done my self-care for today, so things are running normally

just uggg. last night was bad though. the worst it's been in a while

I am suffering.

back hurts

leg hurts

kneck hurts

lucky I'm not doing anything today.

yesterday I had a delivery of the malcolm in the middle dvd, think after I've finished here I'll just watch that

that is, of course, if I can hobble over to put the disk in the player

uggg pain.

[Desoxyn]

The depersonalization turned into derealization two nights ago. I had a severe psychotic panic attack. I took benzos and went to sleep.

I didn't have dp/dr last night. Idk about tonight.. I could..

managed 2 episodes of malcolm in the middle before getting bored.

spent the rest of the day updating my music collection, eating my dinner (average), and checking emails

don't know much about today so far. in pain since 3 A.M, and have a feeling of hopelessness since 3.

but positives are that I've eaten a healthy breakfast and I have dome some laundry.

not sure about the rest of the day yet

my pain made yesterday an absolute rightoff. apart from eat and post here, their was nothing I could do (too much pain)

today is basically the same. managed to eat a healthy breakfast, do laundry, post here, but I'm in agony. a lot of the time today I'm groaning and i'm not even going anywhere. hurts too much

today I need to write my grocery list for next week.

items I will buy are: coca-cola (which I have been craving all morning), strawberry water, my dinners, and some treats too.

it is hot today (it was hot yesterday, too). got my fan on and cooling spray to hand though. should be good

I have my shopping order to look forward to today, but that is about it

I should probably get someone out to have a look at my leaking sink,but not today. I honestly can't be bothered.

turns out the sink was easier to fix than I intended, and it got done yesterday so no more leaks on to the floor which is good (so no more change of me slipping)

showered today.

body didn't provide much for me in the way of movement so it was quite painfull. ugg

needed too though: was quite incontinent this morning. came out of the blue, just like that.

no real plans for today: just have mcdonalds later which I am looking forward too.

it is cooler today too. I still have my fan on, but not sure I am going to need the cooling spray today

[Claritytoo]

Right now I am here because I feel like crying and i don't know why. i feel like sobbing.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

Right now I am here because I feel like crying and i don't know why. i feel like sobbing.

Are you in a place where you can allow yourself to do that?
We have been feeling that way a bit lately too. For us its alters that are close to the surface, dealing with their stuff. It can be weird to feel perfectly fine and then have others come closer (or out) and sob and feel so much pain and grief. And then for us they go again and its like nothing ever happened.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

Right now I am here because I feel like crying and i don't know why. i feel like sobbing.

Are you in a place where you can allow yourself to do that?
We have been feeling that way a bit lately too. For us its alters that are close to the surface, dealing with their stuff. It can be weird to feel perfectly fine and then have others come closer (or out) and sob and feel so much pain and grief. And then for us they go again and its like nothing ever happened.
Here's hoping you find peace with whatever emotions are moving up and through you.