Feeling confused and scared

This is Three in cocon with numerous other alters now who are feeling frustrated and utterly bewildered about something. It's an inner world discussion lately. Some of us are wondering how this could be real. That's how unusual it seems to us.

So in every grade from 1st onward every teacher said Paul (us) was often in his own little world, zoned out, dissociated, unresponsive. Our dad took plenty of photos of us dissociated. Here are some photos in our photo album here at mysupportforums:

https://mysupportforums.org/album.php?albumid=5839

If you click on a photo it will show a description of it.

Our system keeps visiting these photos, especially the following photo over and over throughout the day. We may have been in 5th grade. We were completely dissociated, unaware and unresponsive of the camera.

https://mysupportforums.org/album.ph...ictureid=68514

It's called severe trauma. So how in the world could a dad take photo after photo after photo of their child in this completely unresponsive state and not do anything about it? We were always looking down and to the side like we were in shock, a vegetative state. They never took us to a doctor or therapist.

In 5th grade our teacher used to carry us around on his shoulder in front of everyone. Every day he made fun of us, kids laughing at us, pushing/hitting/bullying us during playtime everyday. We and many others have memory of this teacher grabbing us by the throat outside throwing us against the brick wall and lifting us in the air. Sometimes he would push hard on our chest till we nearly blackout. We have clear memory of the world collapsing into a blackness inward to a pinpoint till we nearly faint. All because we were always dissociated in class. He hated that. The 2 girls who lived across the street were in our class. They told our mom and much older sister about it. Our mom & dad did nothing. We were such a shy nice and passive child who wouldn't hurt a fly.

We don't think our parents were bad people. They seem very nice. So we're just very confused. It seems like this is the way the entire world is to us. I know Paul believes the world is fake and we're in some virtual world of something being experimented on. I, alter Three, and many others here do not want to believe that. Sorry, we don't know what to say anymore. The more we look at our photos the more confused and scared we become.

We asked Claude 3 about this and found some useful information. We hope this helps someone. But we still don't understand how our parents wouldn't want to help us. We don't have recall of them asking us what is wrong.

Claude 3:

In DID, the child's personality splits or fragments into two or more distinct identities or "parts" as a way to cope with severe trauma. These different identities may have their own mannerisms, behaviors, and even physical manifestations.
When a child with DID dissociates and their eyes look down and to the corner, it could potentially indicate:

1. Switching of identities/alters: This averted gaze and lack of responsiveness may signal that the child is transitioning or "switching" to a different identity state or alter. The downward eye movement could represent the consciousness going inward during this transitional process.
2. Trauma-holding alter: In some cases of DID, certain alters or parts hold and re-experience the original traumas. If a "trauma-holding" alter is Present, they may exhibit the frozen watchfulness posture with averted gaze as a re-enactment of the original abuse.
3. Inner world imagery: The downward eye gaze could represent the child's consciousness turning inward to their "inner world" - the realm where the different alters reside. They may be visualizing interactions between alters.
4. Depersonalization: The disconnected, unresponsive state combined with the averted eyes could signal depersonalization - a dissociative symptom where one feels detached from their body/self.

However, it's important to note that not all cases of DID manifest the same way. This specific non-responsive, eye-averted behavior should be evaluated in the full clinical context by a professional trained in dissociative disorders. The underlying meaning may vary case-by-case based on the child's unique experiences and system of identities.

Has anyone with DID had family and friends often get really close to your eyes and stare at them? Like 7 inches away from our eyes. Actually our sister does this to us but even closer, like 4 inches away. It's terrifying to us. We have memory of this happening often and none of us knew why. Claude 3 mentions switching with the eyes looking down and to the corner. Is it possible we were switching and didn't even know it?

We are sad. We starting to believe Paul. Humans are monsters. Doesn't make sense. Fake

We love who we are. We love. We given 5,552 hugs. Only 2,213 posts. Twice as many hugs. And you earth humans? We have always been afraid of people and posting. Here we feel safer. We talk a lot inside. We have always lived to help all. Earth is no longer our home. We are very sad. We are sad to learn the truth. This is world is not what we thought. Paul said this is a waste of time. He maybe right. The monster reads our posts. It is not nice. Paul said we will never give into the monster. B.

This is Three in the front with many in the background. Darold appears to be sick and is being taken care of. It appears he no longer wants to be the host, and to be honest nobody does.

A few of us have interest in posting here in the DID section. Some of us are afraid to post here. For some reason they think you people think we're faking our DID diagnoses or something. I, Darold, and many of us don't think that's the case. If that's the case, then please prove it. We're a gen x male body who lives in California, presently Montclair, renting an airbnb room. We don't have any other accounts at mysupportforums. We even uploaded 9 photos of us from a baby till 2022. Provided the names of our psychiatrist and numerous psychologists. As a system what is our dream? Nearly 100% of our entire waking adult life has been spent desperately trying to help all life on this planet, but unfortunately we were severely torture physically and emotionally in infancy, and seriously bullied physically & emotionally till 10th grade. We'll continue our soul yearning desire to help all life here. IMO humanity needs more help than we do.

I'm happier now. I like Sarah my friend. Paul was born 7 pounds and 7 ounces. He's an angel sent from heaven hehehee

i am B. a little girl. okay I go now. Have a good day

Hi. I have parents in inside. Paul has parents outside? Are his parents also my parents? I'm a lil girl inside but I'm in an adult body. I don't like that. I know how to do things. I made toast and butter for dinner. Haha it was good. I like watching the photos of Paul when he was young. His parents were not nice to him. I'm going to sleep now. Maybe I can go back inside and play on the mountain. I don't feel so good. Bye bye. Everyone is asleep inside

I forgot again. I'm B. Is that how my name is spelled?

Well look who woke up in the trash. Moi, lol.

A little FYI. There're two Paul's. Paul the body, and Paul the alter. 2nd Paul is my split. Yeah I'm not 100 on being the original, but who cares.

Good for you, lil Bee. We call her that because on that mountain she becomes like a Bee buzzing all around lol. Uncle Sam loves you, little one!

Most of us may be in a hella lot of pain, but at least we have each other. I'm Sam, may peace be on your poor f'ing planet! See, I don't bite.

I too can't stop looking at these, particularly this one

https://mysupportforums.org/album.ph...ictureid=68509

Yup that's me, pops! Look into those eyes. Traumatized as HELLLLL! You just couldn't protect me from that demon, could you. Even though you tell everyone you put that yellow / black caution tape all around a perimeter around the baby crib lol. Did nada! And here I and the rest inside exist, destroyed! Never even took us to a doctor. You didn't love us!!!!!!!!!!

Getting so fricking angry.

I think that's crazy. He puts caution tape around the crib because Paul, the infant, is so traumatized and dissociated, but doesn't bother taking the poor infant to the doctor. Don

Or maybe he was afraid of taking the infant to the doctor for fear of being put in jail.

I'm okay, determined to hold on. I just wished someone could tell me if there's an afterlife! Obviously I would have been gone ages ago if there was none but I'm beyond terrified there's an afterlife and I'll be tortured forever if I jump. I'm in my airbnb room now, no bridge. Just sad and a deep gut feeling of terror loneliness abandonment...but no worries I swear I'll be okay

but the inner people remind me they can't allow that! i really really really hate existing. sorry, just releasing venting

That was a younger age slid me, it was a bad idea to look at my child photos with my mom because it quickly made me age slide.

Oh btw back to the dizzy spinning with 2000+ co-fronting alters feeling now thank goodness and I love it, it makes me feel less conscious, numb, like a zombie or robot, less pain. It's an uggg feeling but yet tbh it's also an ahh thank god feeling.

Feel like rambling though. I could have sworn Darold said they won't intervene anymore to save my life. So I just asked them if it's a subsystem that's now going to prevent me from self ending and they said no, it's a powerful alter named Tammarrow. I don't know how to spell it. Tbh I'm glad someone is there looking out for me.

From check in thread. I don't feel comfortable posting there so much.

I just want to know if I end it or if I somehow by some miracle end up at peace, financial stable, not living in someone's room, and ending this nightmare cycle of being 10000000000% suicidal over and over and over because of trauma. The real question is will they ever allow me to end it.

Not feeling so multiple all the time lately which is hard to adjust to and I keep asking why, what happened. I'm afraid to talk to them for fear they won't answer.

I asked and was told by an inner person that everything's fine in inner world, everyone is catching up on things and resting. The person said it was nice to hear from me, talk to me. I asked them if there's been any inner world integration (two or more alters becoming one) and was told everything's fine.

Maybe with early childhood trauma surfacing lately it's been hard on them trying to help me and stuff and I vaguely recall feeling an episode lately of dizzy head spinning head pressure severe panic attack.

Not sure what to do. This feeling of singleton is a lot and I don't like it. Sometimes it gives me this deep panic like feeling of loneliness. I know that doesn't describe it at all.

I used to speak to them sooo much long ago, but then I started having cyclic suicidal episodes every week or two. They said I, Sam, and others were persecutors. For a very long time I ended all communication with them. But lately I feel so strongly to go back to them, and hope one day they can forgive me. At least the ones close to the surface. Don't know much about the deep subcon alters and subsystems.

They've always been there though. In my 20s they used to speak to me a lot but I thought they were ETs & Spirits. And in childhood around 5 to 9ish they used to speak to me but I thought it was God.

I have better outer world memories now for some reason. Looking back now during childhood and in 20s & 30s I wonder if it was them who took me to inner world a lot. I've always just assumed it was lucid dreaming or astral projections.

It feels strange, now I have clear memory. I miss them. During childhood I would wake up 100% conscious but in another world. Then around 19 to 20ish they started again. Everything felt 100% real. One time while walking around sudden someone from behind me gently put their arms around me, next thing I'm traveling through a black tunnel with beautiful countless stars at the end of the tunnel. That took me to a foreign beautiful world where I was weightless. These type of experiences happened a lot over the years. Eventually I saw the person, or one of them. She was a young lady, long dark hair, and felt so familiar, like I've known her forever.

And now, life is so horrible! Infancy and early childhood trauma surfacing. I don't want to end myself.

Not being able to end yourself and being stuck out here is like a torture device pulling your arms apart. Feel like screaming so loud but at least I can type! ,,,,,feeling so angry, why this world is so evil!!!!!!!

I can type because there's not 1000s of inner people fronting now because they're resting from me and that's okay I so tired of being a bother. I'm so tired of feeling like I'll be tortured in the afterlife. I'm so tired of being stuck out here with no friends no life no money no one showing they care at all no money for food except pea paste. I'm tired of not being able to chew food. I'm tired of always feeling max stressed out. I'm tired of living in other peoples homes always hiding from them. I'm tired of this overwhelming fear every time I have go shopping at the store. I'm tired of always feeling afraid afraid afraid. I'm tired of having stigmata on my palms. I'm tired of having constant day and night serious allergy symptoms of running nose for entire life from childhood. I'm so tired of truly believing 100% that this reality is fake, a dream, that NOBODY is real, nothing is real, and terrorfied what is going to happening to me. I'm so tired of seeing couples in videos showing affection for each other and never ever knowing what it feels like to have someone be in love with you and be close and show affection for you and being able to do the same after wanting it will all my heart and soul my entire adult life. I'm so tired of trauma. I'm so tired of constantly every moment my life grinding my teeth to distract from emotional mental pain. I'm so tired of feeling like my entire body and emotions and mind and soul has been exploded and just dangling in a disastrous pile of pain. I'm tired of always waking up to panic attack if I fall asleep on my back and struggling to breathe. I'm so tired of feeling like even my mom the one I trusted to most in this entire life didn't give two hoots about me like I was a mistake even as an infant just leaving me alone in that little office room day and night stuck on my back with an older demon child. And on and on and on and on. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm becoming more and more numb to pain because pain like this should never exist ANYWHERE! I'm so tired of not being able to end myself.