[somebodysomeday]

i see my trauma counsellor every week atm and she is really helping me but says she is ooncerned bout how much responsibility i take on for the s.abuse that happened to me as a child...but it just seems so hard to believe that there was nothing i could have done to prevent it...like if i had not been so needy and wanting ot be loved so much..did that make it happen..? because i wanted love?...i want there to be an excuse for it...so i can understand. Im ashamed of not saying anything to my parents and i don't even remember why i didn't but my T says there probably are reasons that are r/t a lot of manipulation..but then i worry that i did tell them and it's just been ignored and hidden all these years...it scares me..when i started talking today i could feel my body getting very agaitated and was telling my mind to shut up...because i was about to lose it completely and break down and not be able to cope and i can't let that happen to me..i can't lost my control or i feel like i have nothing. my T thinks i dicsossiate in T because i start talkint slurred and look as thought im not here and i speak with no emotion or feelings...and i feel like im behind a glass wall looking in at my body in that situation and knowing i can cope cause my feelings and emotuons are safe over the oterh side and i can't be hurt by it because im not there...and when i felt it was safe to step back into my body i couldn't remember if i had dissociated and i couldn't remember why my body felt so drained and tired and tense...and could not tell my T what we had been talking about and when she did tell me i was shocked because i don't remember being so open and graphic and it frightened me that i lost that control...so i started crying uncontrolably because i felt so confuse as is id been tricked...but when my T explained it was disociating and disconnecting it made some sense but i still felt odd...and it did make me realise that i am discciating many times a day..week etc..anyway after all this...is this normal...it scares me...but has it happened to anyone else....i don't even feel like im here writing this i feel detatched and someplae else...and i kno wthat it is temp becuase i have to get up and go to bed soon..

[RozG]

Hi Somebody

yes everything you've mentioned in this post is normal so far as i'm
concerned coz it's the same for me.

i dissasociate in therapy to that level too. and the feelings of guilt you have
from childhood are normal also.

i'm really sorry things are so hard for you just now. i hope you stay working with your counsellor and continue coming here so you can get some support and know you're not alone.

[bipolar_bear]

Maybe when things get hard for you in therapy you are using a coping mechanism that has worked well for you over the years and dissociating. It can be so hard to work through the abuse that dissociation is not uncommon. I hope with you and your t working together that you can coninue to heal. Sometimes it takes a while so if you can try and be patient with yourself.

BB