[sorrel]

I'm alone this weekend.

I feel so bleak and alone.

I'm dissociated, and extremely emotional all at the same time.

I feel like I'm trapped in a cobweb.

A debate about abortion has stirred up my birth trauma issues [I was born 2 months premature, and nearly died...] and existence anxieties ["should I really be here?"]

Plus in therapy I'm working with exploring how things got stuck when I was chronologically a teenager, because I had no support.

Maybe I'm dissociating because my emotions feel overloaded.
And because my flatmates are away this weekend.
And it's cold, damp and dark.

I'm just reaching out for some support... please...

[3velniai]

I sent you a PM.

[sorrel]

Thank you.

I'd rather post here on the forums though.

[Sannah]

keep talking?

[sorrel]

It's like I'm frozen. Can't move. No freedom.
But I feel unable to move.
I danced earlier, but that felt rather... wooden?
Nowhere to hide.
Can't hide.
Shouldn't hide.
Don't know who I am.

...

[3velniai]

Sure. I guess i'm a crappy support person, i don't know what to say... What would you like to talk about?

[Sannah]

So your emotions are making you feel this stiffness?

[3velniai]

oh, our posts overlaps a little bit...
What else could you do instead of dancing?

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((sorrel))))))))))))) That's a hard place to be and I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. Are there things you can do to ground yourself, such as feeling objects around you or describing out loud a picture or something? I hope things calm down for you soon. We are here.

[sorrel]

Thank you.
I'm having dinner soon. Maybe that will help.

I wondered about phoning my parents, but thought that might make it worse - as they tend to worry about me, rather than being able to soothe my anxieties. Also they wouldn't know what to say.

[wanttoheal]

Yea, dinner might be a good distraction. If not parents, do you have any friends that you might be able to call and hear a real time voice? Are you seeing a therapist?

[sorrel]

I see my therapist tomorrow morning.

I've noone I can call.

Bed soon after dinner.

Sleep.

[wanttoheal]

Yea, if you can sleep, that might help too. Proper sleep, diet and exercise can go a long way to help overall wellness. I'm glad you can see T tomorrow.

[bipolar_bear]

I am sorry you are feeling so disconnected with everything. Sometimes touching, smelling, hearing or feeling something will help bring you back. Especially those that you enjoy. Hopefully dinner helped. I am glad you are seeing your T tomrorow.

BB

[sorrel]

Thank you...

Dinner has helped - and pm'ing with someone sympathetic at the place with the upsetting debate.

I'm unfreezing some now, able to move - rub my arms and legs gently. That helps.

I really thought I'd lost myself there..

[bipolar_bear]

I am glad you made a good connection with the person you sent a PM. Know I am here if you need anything.

BB

[multipixie9]

sorrel,

i wish i could have helped yesterday. i too had a very scary bad day. i am finally facing some memories, my worst so far and i too got lost in feelings that overwhelmed me. i was afraid i might actually harm myself. i feel bad afterward to panic so much over feelings alone, but being alone in such strong feelings frightened me and hurt me too. but i'm still here.

today you will see your T and i hope that will help you. my T is going out of town and i feel scared she won't be around. i love your name. it was used in a British children's novel, by Noel Streatfield, Theater Shoes. i hope today is brighter and better for you.

leslie and her pixies

[sorrel]

Thank you..

I still feel a bit spaced out this morning..

[sorrel]

Therapy really helped.
But I'm so so exhausted.

[multipixie9]

sorrel,

by today, when you see this i hope you will feel solid and less worn out and much less stressed. i saw my T monday and had some really big progress that made the difficulty worth it all. it is tiring; i wish it was not.

you know, it kinda feels like ocean tides, coming in bit by bit then it becomes intrusive and finally it comes as far as it's gonna come in then it begins to subside and goes back out. last weekend i mistook the tides for a tsunami and i freaked. BUT, in the new week i realized it IS just a tide and not a tsunami - and ALL tides that come in, go out. you can count on it. i care, sorrel, hang in there.

[sorrel]

Thank you.. you're so right.

I'm drifting in and out of dissociation still, often 'without my consent'. It's frustrating. I am trying my best to 'go with the flow'. I feel very DID-ish at present, albeit that I'm technically Complex PTSD/ DD NOS.

And I'm so tired.

Thankfully my flatmate has put the heat on now. The cold was... stirring up more than I felt able to handle. Except I went voiceless with it. I can talk to my therapist about things like that, but .... Katrina grabs me by the throat and sends out Little One when it comes to asserting myself as an adult with other adults outside of therapy.
I had 3 jumpers [sweaters.] and a blanket on this morning indoors and I was still shivering.
Thankfully not now. Only 2 jumpers and a blanket..