[iamtwilight]

it's a love story. a twisted one, but a love story nevertheless.

while it seems that everything's ok.. and everything is, practically, in theory, whatever... i just.. don't know anything..

lately i've gone walking around the city to spend my days, and then i realized that dressing up and putting on make up kind of made me feel better. and getting ready prepares me for the awfulness that is the outside world.

i'm cheerful, react quickly, get a lot of stuff done. i have a lot of plans, of which most are realistic. when i walk, i run. when i run, ... uhh? i don't know =)

(though this also includes that i'm back in the eating disorder game)

partner is worried about eating. i eat, and the next day i do stuff to make up for it.

yesterday morning i woke up a bit dizzy from benzos.. had taken a bit too much, not an overdose but twice my normal dose. i don't know why. i just wanted to sleep. anyway, i put my mp3 player on and the first song was "iris" by goo goo dolls. i shed a few tears, i don't even know why.

everything's ok. i love him, he loves me, i am starting to like me, i get looks in the city, i get noticed. i am starting to feel worthy of something as good as him.

so last night.. i listened to iris again. he was on the computer, laughing at some cartoons i had sent him.. i used to laugh at them too... but i thought he was laughing at some east asian humor.. something i wouldn't understand.. and i felt really terrible.

sooner or later it's over.. i just don't wanna miss you tonight.

i just felt like.. that even though he was in the other room, i felt so separate from him, from the world.. from everything. i was kinda jealous because i saw that he had gotten an e-mail from his japanese friend.. he says there never was anything romantic between them, and i believe him.

actually i'm starting to believe that he likes me. not her. he likes me for me. not because i'm "exotic" - but because i'm me. but i just.. i felt like i didn't fit in to the puzzle, i felt like... i don't know.. unreal?

it's crazy.. just a few minutes after that he came to me, and i turned my teary face away from him, but he knew i had been crying and laid beside me and asked what was wrong. i said, nothing, i don't even know why i'm crying. he kept bugging me, but i thought i was just crying because i was happy that he was in my life.

all i can taste is this moment, and all i can breathe is your life

that wasn't a lie. i felt like i could die of happiness as i laid there in his arms.

you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be..

it's like... no one has ever been good to me.. well, they have, but they have also demanded a price afterwards. and i was thinking that i couldn't possibly handle losing him. whether it would happen 10 months or 10 years from now. and at least i confessed to him... "i just don't want you to go away."

i can't believe it. i let my guard down. i can stay inside the shell even during sex, and people claim that is when people are most vulnerable. bull crap. i'm most vulnerable when people catch me crying.. and i even made crying sounds.. and they weren't just sniffs.

so i suppose this means that i trust him?

i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am.

my goodness.. it's not like anything's wrong. i just feel so out of place sometimes and feel overwhelmed by everything. but everything is ok. i have even stopped SI-ing. two weeks now... and when i went to see my parents, my sister was there, and i was afraid that she would scold me because she was kind of telling me i can't be with my bf until we get married.. (which i personally do not believe in) - but instead, she told me i was looking better, was kind of glowing and she even said that it was apparently a good choice to move in with him.

anyway... i don't know anything. i'm terribly confused, and... i don't.. know..

yours
twilight the sissy

ps. i have an appointment to a psych nurse on the 18th of november. so.. that's five days away. maybe things will start getting clearer then..

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((( twilight and sissy )))))))))

I hear you.

KD

PS-You have a gift for writing...

[Sannah]

Twilight, so you are doing better! But your head/heart need to catch up with this new development?

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((twilight))))))))))) I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself. It's really good to hear from you.

[iamtwilight]

(((KD)))

thank you very much - it was just stream of consciousness so you gave a quite high compliment

(((Sannah)))

that is probably it. didn't think of it that way, but now that you said it - it makes perfect sense.

(((wanttoheal)))

yes, it feels very peculiar to say the least - peculiar, but a nice(ish) change.

many thanks to you all

Twilight