[Kendyll]

can we talk here too?
all this talk about littles got Kendyll scared.
we aren't like you guys we aren't separate. everybodys the same but still different. she says that its all made up that talking to you guys and Jon and the nice T is putting ideas in her head but it's not just ideas. she knows but says it isn't true. says shes just being silly. being stupid. since we are all the same and nobodys different that shes just making it up.

NOT MAKING IT UP!!!

do we have to be separate to talk here?
Don't wan to be big all the time. don't want to go to work and pay bills and have sex and all that stuff. just wantto go home and nap with hello kitty. So sad about griffes little guys being sad. Wannto be little too. wannto color and read and nap.

Jons a good Daddy. he doesn't mind being our daddy but he doesn't really know either. don't think he cares if we're together or separate. hes really good when we're small. nobody else has been nice when were small but he's nice.

cryin right now. she thinks its stream of consciousness, just writing. it is and it isn't. she cant stop and we're scared. Not scared casue I wannto talk to you nice people who might know. or yous might be mad cause im not real not real like you guyss. not separate just stuffed down. no good no good. not good for anything need to be big. been big for a LONG time. dont know what happened...don';t know why she cant stop.

don't be mad don't be mad at us don't be amd at her. she not lying just scared cause being separte is stupid and not real so just grow up grow up. not making it up just can't stop and don't understand why we hurt so much

[multipixie9]

kendyll, sweetie, you belong here as much as anyone fits here. it is ok whether you feel split or if you just have feelings of littleness. we all need a place to be safe when life gets too big and too hard and too scary and too sad and too too too too....

kendyll we all love you here, no matter what is going on. sometimes with jon you have had to be big for two people and be the one who stays steady and calm and grown up and strong. well, you are human and all humans feel small, scared and powerless sometimes. so come on in you DO DO DO BELONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU ARE WANTED, LIKED, LOVED, ACCEPTED AND ADMIRED FOR THE GREAT PERSON YOU ARE NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU FEEL OR HOW YOUNG YOU FEEL.

i have always admired your kindness to your fella even when he's had some really big problems. you manned up to the task although you really womaned up to the tasks. you are welcome here in every kind of mood and state of mind you experience.

you can always pm me if you want me to listen to you and mommy you for just a little while. maybe next week i will pm you and need a playmate or you to mommy me. give and take is how it goes. i really do care!!!!! hugs!!!!!!!!!!!

leslie and her pixie chicks

[DianasClan]

Hi Kendyll,

You are as welcome here as anyone. Feeling split or diffrent or as a part of a whole you are welcome. I am sorry you feel scared. This is a very safe place to speak about your feelings. No one will put you down. You are welcome weather you are happy or sad or scared. Feel free to PM us if you need. We are happy to hear from you. Sometimes we all need down time. Time to color and nap. I am a big and I like to nap from time to time. And our littles love to color. Right now we are having money trouble but when we get a little money I am going to buy them some new crayons. Cheer up hun we all have times when we dont feel like we belong but trust me hun you do belong.

Hugs if you want them.
Denise of Diana's Clan

[Kendyll]

Thank you.
I don't know what THAT was about.

The world can get so BIG sometimes and I feel so very small. It's been kinda rough lately...The only place that feels safe and real is home, and even that doesn't always feel safe. Jon's working really hard to get an handle on his new-found temper, but it can still be kinda scary if I'm not expecting it. And expecting it doesn't feel very OK either...

Thanks for the support...Sorry to bother y'all with that.

[turquoisesea]

*hugs*
It's not a bother
sending hugs

[multipixie9]

turquoise sea is right kendyll,

you are not a bother and you belong as much as anyone else. i know that today i feel sad, powerless and stupid. even though i remember that feelings come and feelings go - it still bugs me a lot today to feel so bad, so hopeless. ooh. wish i had a place to go and hide.

leslie feeling small

Yeppers we kno how u feel.
Not seprate
and lots on denial too
but it's all true!
Tha world is so big and scary
if u want we cn play togethr sometime?
I'm a really good colorrer

[multipixie9]

kendyll,

did you know we have alters whose job is DENIAL? really, i was kinda ticked off when we found that out and then it made good sense to us. it was another protection for times when it might have been dangerous or wrong somehow to let on we had split and become so different from who we were supposed to be. just some thoughts sweetie,

leslie and all the pixies (ok, not all of them, just all of ours, LOL)

[Kendyll]

Thanks everyone for being so nice.

Trying so hard to be big all the time and not be mad and not be sad and to just do all the grownup stuff that needs to get done. There's just too much. Too much to do and no way to do it. I don't wanna be here at the office but I got to. Someone's got to and I guess that's us. me. whatever.

Triggertriggertrigger???


He got really mad last night. Really mad. the neighbors called the cops 'cause they were scared if he was hurting me. He didn't hurt me, just yelling alot. The cops went away but he didn't stop yelling and the cops came back and took him to the hospital. He was drunk. REALLY drunk. The doctor had to run the blood test twice because the number was too high. He's not mad at me anymore but now he's sad and wants to die.

I'm so tired! we was at hospital until almost 1, and I had to get up to come to work at 6:30. Gotta be a grownup no matter what. just wanna stop but I can't stop. We can't stop have to work. have to earn a living and nobody knows what we're going to get when we get home. maybe he loves us maybe he's mad. I don't know. never know...I wanna go home and there's no more home. Just wanna go to bed with Hello Kitty. Kitty is safe.

[DianasClan]

((((((Kendyll)))))))