[Rhapsody]

What the Heck was That?

I was watching a movie all alone and something was said in the movie (cant remember what it was now) and out of no where I felt sorry and started to cry.... I felt someone that has not been around for a long while (or never been around at all) and I was crying so hard that I could not breath - I could feel the psychical effects in my body.

I do remember saying my dead daughters name "Chelsea" and telling her I was Sorry and yet I felt as though the pain went deeper than her.

I am so confused and feel like crying.

[Rhapsody]

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - some one is here and I can hear the clock ticking on my ear and I am scared..... someone help me please.
im ther and i cant move.

[Zorah]

(((((((((Rhap)))))))))))

we are here, it's ok, "this too shall pass"

try to breathe, try to ground yourself, are the lights on ?

can you sing to yourself ? so you don't hear the clock ? let the clock fade & sing

[Rhapsody]

no lights - ther are never any ****ing lights.............. some eone help me

[Zorah]

Rhap ?
Is it possible this is an anniversary you have not acknowledged ?

[Rhapsody]

she is not and I can not
i stare
look with in the wall death is

takes it may and leaves the rest
she is not ther - any more

[Rhapsody]

fools only hope.... the rest is rare

[Rhapsody]

SURREAL: marked by the intense irrational reality of a dream, unbelievable.

BYE!

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((Rhap))))))))))))))))))
=(
no words... but I'm here too =( your poem seems almost like english is not the first language.. like it would make more sense in a different one.

[multipixie9]

dear rhap and all in her,

i am sorry with you. it is so hard and the pain is so big and bad. you are not alone.

we lost 3 precious almost lives and it hurt so bad there were not words. i am so sorry about Chelsea, i wish i could help you but it is so big, the pain and my words are not so big. no words are big enough for such a loss. i believe my children are in heaven. i have a loving relationship with God, it is all that has kept me alive. i choose to believe that my babies that died live on and that i will see them again when i die. but for now, i have to keep on living - even when it is so hard i don't think i can do it. God helps me do it.

please hold on through the pain and the anger and the hopeless despair feelings. keep writing here. it can get better hugs,

leslie and her pixies

[DianasClan]

Rap we are here for you.



Just hang on it will pass.

(((((((rap)))))))

Cynthia of the clan

((((((((Rap))))))))
sitting with you

[Rhapsody]

Thank you all that sit with me and held my hand during a scary moment for us all.... I am doing better this morning but still in a fog (hoping it will pass soon).

[Rhapsody]

Going back to bed.... not feeling like being up today - just hoping that my family doesnt give me to much grief after being in bed two days straight.

[turquoisesea]

((((((((((((((((((((rhapsody))))))))))))))))))))))
thinking of you hope you feel better soons and if not sends hugs if we can

[Rhapsody]

I am up now..... slept the day away and woke up at 9 PM, but strangely no one has said a thing to me about it.... maybe because they are intertwined into their own addiction of video games... oh well at least I feel better after a good sleep.

My Thoughts:

since lasts night episode I have been thinking about my daughter "Chelsea" who was handicap from birth and lived in a wheelchair with no ability to walk or talk until she passed away at ten years young and went to heaven (and) Of the abortion I had when I was eighteen and pregnant for the second time in my life (had a healthy bouncing baby boy first time around) - - - - I name the aborted baby "Tiley" after a story I heard of a aborted baby within weeks of having my own abortion.... some thing I am not proud of and that only a small handful of people know about... the doctor, my husband, best friend of 20 some years and God.

The abortion is what brought me to my knees and made me realize that I needed God to bring up from the deep dark hole my sinful action of murder had taken me too.

Not sure what all this is leading up too - but I am sharing as a means of cleansing and healing from old wounds, wounds that still haunt me.... I am a person that would not intentionally hurt a fly, but for what ever reason killed a soul that needed fighting for.

I feel evil and bad.... not worth living....

((((((((((((((((((((rhapsody)))))))))))))))))))))))))

be very very gentle with you.

you are not evil, and you are not bad. you may feel those things, but they are not the Truth.

[Kiya]

(((((Rhap))))))
You were 18. You made a choice based on your best abilities at that time. I certainly do not hold it against you. Nor would the god that I know. I hope you can come to peace around this. Sending you every hug and every ounce of care I can find.
Kiya

[turquoisesea]

not evil

[Rhapsody]

Thanks Everyone..... I understand that I was young and not evil, but feeling that is a whole other ball park.

Thanks for letting me share a part of myself with you that not many get to hear -
... may I heal through sharing, hence releasing negative energy.

[DianasClan]

Hun you are far from being evil. We see what you did as being evil or wrong. You did what you needed to do at the time. There is nothing to feel shame for. You were young and had to make a very difficult choice.

We are here for you and support you.

Denise of the Clan

[Kiya]

Rhap - maybe you can find within you a piece of you that loves you enough to hold that part that is feeling evil? that part that loves you is bigger than the part feeling evil - love is always bigger.
***hugs****

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

Thanks Everyone..... I understand that I was young and not evil, but feeling that is a whole other ball park.

Thanks for letting me share a part of myself with you that not many get to hear -
... may I heal through sharing, hence releasing negative energy.

thank you for sharing, it's not always easy, at least not for me...