[Excess-0]

I think I have DID. In fact, I think I may have had DID for a long time now, without ever knowing what it was called. I have never really read anything about the disorder until today, when I decided I needed to take independant steps to figure out what is going on with me and how I could help myself. I have read page after page of definitions and personal stories, and it really seems to fit with what I'm experiencing. I can't imagine what else it could be. I definately have alternate personalities. One, at least, that I am aware of. It's likely that there are others that I am aware of, that just have not been any cause for alarm. This one in particular though is a problem because (she? he? it?) is violent and from what I can gather, does things that won't land me anywhere good. I've been admitted to a local psyche ward multiple times before because of that personality, although I can't remember how many times exactly, or when exactly, or what happened while I was there completely or with any real certainty. I just don't know what to do. People are trying to help me, but no one knows what to do, and I know that I am really the only one who can help myself. I just don't know how to help myself anymore. I'm confused, disoriented, scared... and I'm wearing down. I can see myself wearing down. My anxiety attacks are getting worse, I think I may be agoraphobic at this point, and the more stressed I get the harder it becomes to fight off my other personalities... I'm nervous about seeking "proffessional" help, but my parents are too emotionally attached to really help me, and I don't know where else to turn. Maybe someone on these forums has some ideas that could help me... Or even just any ideas at all...I just don't want to switch over again. I don't want to hurt any more people, and I don't want to hurt myself.

[Safron]

Excess-0,

You're not sure what is going on but just accepting that something is is half the battle. Can you talk to 'her' and find out why she is angry? It is possible to communicate. That's the good news. The bad news, you might need to be prepared to listen to a bit of ranting because of all the stuff that has been kept inside. If you can stay strong, even get some help, you may be able to find out what they want and need, that should make things a little easier to deal with.

Welcome to the board.

[Excess-0]

Safron, Thank you for your generous reply and your welcome.

She is unreasonable. Completely unreasonable. I don't think she's looking for help, she's just manipulative and destructive. I've made attempts to talk to her before, but when I'm as stressed as I have been lately any attempts to make communication just trigger a completely hostile takeover response. When I'm calm, and not stressed, we can at least function as a unit. We can compromise, and help eachother. She's been around for a very long time... Since I started Kindergarten as far as I remember, and it's possible she was present even before that. She got me through situations I was not prepared to handle at the time, but I don't even really remember what most of those situations were. Over time she stopped being helpful, and just became too violent. I decided I didn't need her anymore, and she has fought me tooth and nail for control ever since. Usually I can keep control of her, chain her up in the back of my mind, but when something makes me really angry really fast, or in other times of extreme emotion, I don't have the chance or the focus to restrain her. I have a sort of "black out" or a change over during which time she takes advantage of the situation and goes after my friends, my family, and anyone else who shows me affection. She does it either verbally, or physically, and she's tried to kill people on several different occassions. That's why it's so important that I keep her under control... I'm afraid to even go to school lately just because of how much difficulty I'm having keeping her under control. I know I'm not alone with these problems, and it helps to know that someone else can at least relate to what is going on. I just don't know if I can co-exist with her anymore... I don't need her anymore. I just wish I could find a way to destroy her. If I could even just find a way to pacify her long enough to manage a confrontation, that would be something.

[Safron]

I hope you are okay with straight talking people because I think I know what your problem is.

Over time she stopped being helpful, and just became too violent. I decided I didn't need her anymore, and she has fought me tooth and nail for control ever since.

I think you might have that back to front. It isn't that she stopped helping, it's that you stopped wanting her help. What she is doing now is fighting for survival.

Usually I can keep control of her, chain her up in the back of my mind, but when something makes me really angry really fast, or in other times of extreme emotion, I don't have the chance or the focus to restrain her.

Trying to keep her locked up? Mistake, big mistake, huge. Look at it this way, you have a child and you have restricted their candy intake, then the child goes to visit nana and nana takes the child shopping and tells the child that they are free to choose some sweets, the child goes crazy wanting everything in sight.

The more you restrict her, the more you try to chain her up, the more she will rebel against it. Even when you decide to let her out (not necessarily into the world), there may be some craziness but it will settle down once she realises that things have changed.

If you decide to live with her you need to talk to her, let her know, even if you don’t think she is listening, you have to keep telling her that things have changed until she gets the message.

I just don't know if I can co-exist with her anymore... I don't need her anymore. I just wish I could find a way to destroy her. If I could even just find a way to pacify her long enough to manage a confrontation, that would be something.

If you really don't need her and want her to go away this is called integration and you will need some professional help to integrate her.

[Excess-0]

Thank you for your honest advice, I think that's really what I need right now.

I can't blame her for wanting to survive. I would imagine that she considers me ungrateful for all the years that she helped me. She probably feels like I'm holding back on the life she feels she has earned.

That all makes sense. I'm going to try my best to get some communication through to her. Maybe I can come up with some kind of trade, or agreement. In order to let her out, I'll have to be in an environment where she won't be able to do any damage. I'll have to find a means of setting that up.

I'm going to try and arrange for a therapist. Whether or not I decide to integrate her, I feel therapy could really help.

Thanks again for your help.

[Safron]

Excess-0,

You can begin to express your gratitude to her, it's never too late. If a simple thank you is good enough for God, it should be good enough for the rest of us.

I wouldn’t necessarily worry to much about what she may think she is missing out on. I don't think you'll find that to be the case. She only has one true friend and you’re it. With negotiation and compromise you can work together to reclaim that life.

I agree that a very safe environment is the place to be until she 'gets the message' that you are trying to make things better.

I'm not a religious person. I wrote these in my twenties and repeated them to myself occasionally until I felt stronger. You might find them useful.

You could try communicating this message to her.

I Know You ~

You are the lighted torch that brightens my path.
You are the strength and faith that mends my body.
You are the courageous spirit that burns in my heart.
You are the spiritual guidance that eases my journey.
You are the heralding angel that lives within my soul.

You might like to simply repeat this one to yourself when things a strained.

I Trust In Thee ~

I am heartbroken, and my life is a mess.
God, deliver my soul, I trust in thee.
Heal my heart and alleviate my distress.
God, deliver my soul, I trust in thee.
I seek spiritual enlightenment from above.
God, deliver my soul, I trust in thee.
I put the past behind me and seek your love.
God, deliver my soul, I trust in thee.

[Excess-0]

Thank you again for your help. I have an appointment lined up that could lead into some professional help, and in the meantime I'm going to keep focused and try to increase my productivity.