some thoughts from a 14 yr old

this is vicki from the constellation (wi)
anyway, i'm taking a writing class b'cuz i like writing
but it's an adult class like Continue Ed.
i thot it was gonna be like creative writing or
something like that.
well, it's like serious english kinda stuff.
firs assignment is to write a personal essay---
well, what do i know but my 14 yrs of crappy life????
thing is, wi and some of the others they can come up with stuff
like adult stuff.
this stinks b'cuz like the body is all growed up and there's me
14 in this like OLD body.
teacher expects more than crap on babysitting and getting beat up
by my sister an brother and other kids at school....right??
like does anyone else have this sometimes---a younger insider
trying to do what they like to do and the only way is to be like
around OLD pple???

vicki of the constellation

em si ekil taht em ekil kcus bmuht dna srehto ekil simetra seod oot ehs ehs ekil roloc dna yalp htiw sllod tub ew teg dlot taht ew kool ynnuf gniod esoht sgniht

hey--don't let them tell you you look funny
we got willow whose 5-1/2 and she sucks her thumb and
colors and stuff too. wi's H is great with her and the other
little ones tho, so that helps.

maybe till you find an outside Big who understands
yu gonna have to do it kinda in private. it's hard
little one, i know b'cuz i take care of our littles.

vicki

ok--guess i really don't matter here. just wanted to get some input from like people here.
don't matter someone can delete this for all i care.

vicki

hey, you're wanted here, I just wanted to let you know I read and care but I'm HOPELESS at writing so I didn't answer

sending hugs, if that's ok?

i getrs tolds me too old besucking fingors or have baby and blankey but edger lets me anyway.

i have a problem with this too, but my body is still only 20 yrs old. iM still only 12 but my older self is like really smart, like a genius tho im still stupid and bad in sKool, lol but thats just me.

bet yur smarter than u think you are
i think i'm pretty stupid too.
i hate being in this OLD body.
hard to make friends or do stuff.
not many bigs want to hear about things about me.
and how do you talk to a big and not make the body person
look totally STUPID????
well, sometimes it would be fun........

cool vicki

i just saw my reflection the other day and it was weird how i look so grownup but im still me u know? i FEEL stupid. i bet im smart tho. can i grow up? my best friend from back wen i met her still is my friend shes an adult and im still a dumb 'kid' .

I totally know what you mean. Im 13 and totally all alone except for Jessica but she is just an insider like me. We are both 13. She totally likes to write poetry and draw and stuff. I help Diana go to school. She is totally freaked out by school stuff. She is in college so I know what you mean about taking grown up classes but I did that along time ago too and it is totally easy. We dont make friends at school cuase we only see people while in that one class. Right now I am in an English 101 class. You know our school offers creative writing classes. You should look into it. You may need to take English 101 to beallowed to take the class but it aint that hard. Next semester we are going to take a Women in History class. That should be cool. My probelm is that Diana wont buy any girl clothes. All she buys are flanel shirts and jeans. Nothing with color or shape or form. Her wardrobe is a total drag.

TTFN
Cynthia of Dianas Clan

Here's my take on things. I hope some of this might be of use to you.

Brought up in an abusive home, I was 19 when my dad committed suicide. I got married when I was twenty and then the real stuff began to emerge. I had thought about the possibility of dissociation on and off but this was surfacing and I was acknowledging it for the first time. I never told anyone about it for another few years. As a way of coping I read everything I could get my hands on about dissociation (back then MPD) which freaked me out a bit but the information was useful.

Just knowing that I had created this in order to help me cope with things I myself could not cope with alone helped a great deal towards my understanding of what was going on. It allowed me to stop seeing them as something bad and scary and instead to realise that I should be grateful for their help.

I know there are little ones but it is 19 year old Angel I deal with the most and an older Alison (around 23) who emerged as a kind of referee between me and Angel. Now I'm older I can feel and sympathise with Angel's frustration. She loves wearing the colour red and high heals, she was quite wild in her day. Now she lives only within but is allowed to come out when we are alone, and is allowed to indulge herself and enjoy the clothes, the food and the music she likes. She can still become quite frustrated that we don't got out to have a 'good time' anymore but I can usually cope with that by allowing her on the net as herself. She has many friends on the net and receives loads of emails and shares music etc.

We three now take care of the others, allowing them sweets, colouring stuff, paints, picnics, toys and games. As I get older it is easier to accommodate the young ones, I explain to curious family members that I find colouring etc relaxing. And picnicking with the grandkids is a hoot! They tell me I’m not like their other grandmother - I’m more fun.

I personally solved the clothing problem by creating a kind of uniform. I swap between white and black underwear. I wear only black trousers on the bottom half and have a huge collection of every colour of t-shirt and blouse out there. The top is usually a good indication as to who is taking charge that day. We would all prefer to go barefoot but I find a plain and simple sandal works best - even in winter.

It was like a daily thunder storm in the beginning. There is a lot of negotiation and compromise now and this makes life so much more bearable.

I hope you all find what works best for you.

Vicky (wi)

Same here. It's been 'too' long for me. I'm so po'd. Negotiating constantly. All you comments ring true. Thanks a trillion billion for letting her post.

'Wish I'd Never Been Born'
(teen, recently allowed out)


PS I't so tiring, but absolutely necessary (Ice)

hey "wish"---it's really crappy yeah. glad yur able to come out and post. it really sucks that we inside teens have to be stuffed away sometimes or when out, the RL bigs just don't get it--some of white's friends get it, but they act like they're supposd to be my parents or something. had enough of parents when i was growing up. sucked then, still does.

just want to be respected--just for once in this life. treated like i am more than a "figment of someones imagination" wasn't treated like i was even human when in my time. T says it's a second chance--But how do you have a second chance when no one even cares if you exist now or not?????

guess posting here is a good thing anyway. i don't mind talking with anyone. i'm not as smart as white---don't got no answers. but sure like to know i'm not the only teen that's inside and hates it!!!!

coooool vicki

hey fuzzy bear friend soooooooooo cool to see ya!!!!!!!!! what vicki looks like when she gets excited to see someone before she puts her shades on

coooooool vicki

thanks---we do some comprimising on stuff like that tooo---if it were up to me i'd be in black goth stuff....or just hang in leather jacket and short spiked hair--LOL but gotta be presentable in this OLD body. so white got her hair cut and highlighted--looks cool now--i got a couple favorite black t's and jeans. no dressing up for me. oh, and we learned how to use a flat iron to straighten hair--it's natural curly and it sucks big time. now it's cool and anyone can fix it how they like.

littles got their toys and stuff too. white says it's for grand kids too---

coooooool vicki

took a bunch of english classes---mostly naomi and white--i did in high school only class i really enjoyed--what nut case likes diagraming sentances????????? love word games too. but i was in for so long i think i lost my edge.

but i'm gonna hang in this class maybe it will wake up some sleeping brain cells this body quit using.

UUUGGGG on the clothes. i hate girly clothes, but you need something cool---can you like put a cool t shirt under the flannel and when yur out take off the flannel?? naomi hangs in sweats and stuff in the house.
has to do with not being noticed i think. i don't care if i'm noticed---but not girly noticed.

got one inside who really likes the girly stuff. so white dresses up the body sometimes for her when she sees T. we can't let C out yet cuz she got too much depression going on. but ok to see T. T knows when she is gonna work with C---body got makeup and dressed really nice. YUKKKKK

coooool vicki

Hey Vickie,
I don't like setence structure stuff at all. To me that is the english version of math and is very confusing. Most in the clan don't do girly stuff at all. Only me and Susan do girly. I can try the t-shirt thing but Diana wont like it. She only wears black and blue. No pink or any other colors. I also don't mind if I get noticed but Diana does. She doesn't even want T to see her in girly clothes. But I don't care and T knows when I am there cuz I don't wear a hat either. Diana always hides under her hat too.

Hope you have a good day.
Cynthia of the Clan

gee cynthia, that's too bad. even a bit of identity is better than none at all
guess she has a reason. i did that for a long time. hid the body. don't want anyone to take any notice--tooo dangerous. might have someone look at us.
she's protecting herself.

but that's not fair to yous who like to get girly a bit.
so, ditching the hat's a good thing,
we gots a friend who has insiders and they all have diff colors. they don't show the body much but at least the girly one wears some makeup (gross)
and they take turns kinda with what to wear depending on whats goin on.
man i'd hate to come out and find white all in some girly clothes--think i'd run so fast-----

just wrote my first assignment for my writing class.
everyone liked it. even the H.
teacher thought it was really good. just got some stuff like run-on sentances to fix. hey--you wanna read it?? don't know if i can post it here, but maybe like the link or something.
cooooool vicki

we wear overalls whenever we can. ugly as hell but really hard to pry someone out of...which is the point of course. we may have a few with girly impulses but now is not the time. we are all stuck in an old, ugly body. i hate that part sooooo bad. grrrrrr. the body is breaking down from all the stress, best advice we'll ever give you is to deal with it as early in life as you can before your body wears out!!!!!!!!! that sucks big time. damn. i hate this body so bad.

ok, sorry went off on a rant instead of responding to vicki. see you did ok in the grown up class. you probably can do it just fine. a lot of writing assignments can be about what it felt like being you.

i did have one idea - why don't you make the rest of them let you take a class or learn a hobby that is fun for you ??? equal time, ya know? they keep talking to us about cooperation. ok, so let them cooperate with you too. hunh!

leah

i can be cool, but it still sucks being me

Cool that you just did your first assignment. I just got my first one back from the teacher. Got 10 pts out of 10. an A. Awsome!!! Diana was in shock. She was like "I didn't think it was that good." I am like we had everything we needed to so why not get an A. I am working on my second report now. Psychoanalytical report on Pan's Labrynth. A brutal movie I dont recommend. Diana put in for Wednessday off so I will have all day to work on my report. Last time she just called in sick which work does not like. But I worked hard and so did she. Denise just bought me some velvet posters and markers. They are way cool so now I have something I can do for fun. Diana thinks its childish but I dont care.
I like wearing make up but Diana forbids it. I have some stashed and some day Im gona wear it. LOL Diana would freak.

I would love to read your writing assingment. PM me and I will give you my email address and you can e-mail it to me.

Cynthia

i'd love to send you my essay. i'm having to work on a descriptive paragraph. one page. have all kinds of stuff in my head. supposed to write it down and then try and put it together. no one seems to give me time...yuk.

it's cool to have fun stuff to do. prism keeps buying the lttles stuff, i got clay to pound and play with. helps the anger issues. HAHA
naomi is the painter and white messes with painting like for decorating.

sorry your dianna is so stuffy but it's cuz she is scared and don't want anyone to hurt her. we have some of that too. sometimes i don't even know who is running the show--'cept it sure not me

coooool vicki

just stoppin by cuz i got a chance to be out again
i had class last night and the teacher liked my descriptive piece. naomi and i wrote it together. most of it is her not me. i don't do the romantic crap.

anyway. no writing this week. just read a short story. anybody like edger allen poe?? he writes some creepy stuff but makes you think.
i like hitchcock stuff too. only thing is scares some of the ppl inside. freaks naomi out. she's scared of her shadow

guess i have to find something a bit less scary. have some cool bedtime stories or animal stories--not me tho. man, if it was just ME i could read some cool stuff.

here we go again, gotta "co-operate" with everyone.
why can't i just be ME?????????

cooooool vicki

I finished writing Diana's report for school. It was a creepy movie a bit disturbing. But has to watch it for school so no way around it. I don't like the freaky stuff myself. I like funny movies and books. I have not had a chance to read the piece you sent me yet but I will I promise. Thanks for sending it to me.

KIT
Cynthia

ugh * * ugh

Wish-I-Was-Never-Born