[Elysium]

First...I REALLY hope everyone had a good holiday weekend!!

I just needed a place to get this off my shoulders. It will most likely be long, ranting, and whiney. But, as I am sure they do for others...holidays just seem to trigger me, and now...I just feel so sad and alone. Miserable.

There may be some stuff in here that might trigger some. I will be gentle, as this is not my desire to cause anyone discomfort. Please read with caution.

I had a decent beginning of my day. Home alone, with my kitties, birds, and dog! Just peace and quiet...although I was a little bummed because I was alone and my family is far away.

I have two friends that I hang out with. They are related to eachother. Sisters-in-laws. One doesn't have a car and has been relying on me to pick her up from work every night to take her home so she doesn't have to walk at night or take the bus. I do offer to do this, but I feel like she's taking it a little for granted these days. If I am 5 minutes late to pick her up, I get a text from her saying "Where are you? Are you far away? Are you coming?" Anyway, she wanted to do Easter over at her brother's place, so I was invited to go along. Part of me thinks they really wanted me there...the other part of me thinks my friend just wanted a way to get herself and all her food over there for Easter.

We ate...we played a game that was fun and I laughed a bit and smiled a bit, which is good. My big issue is...I think I made a mistake. I told my friends about my DID because I thought I could trust them and I just needed someone close to me to know. Now...any chance they get, they are making fun of me or mocking me with off the wall comments like "So...which one are we talking to now?", and "I think I just got hit on by a 5 year old." I probably don't help things when I just laugh it off, but it hurts so much and if I say anything they get mad and defensive.

I have a history of sexual abuse in my past. I have an aversion to the male sex organs. I don't think men are bad...but I don't trust them...and I HATE thinking about and/or talking about the male genitals. My friends are aware of this. Yet they still consistently bring up conversations that have to do with specific male parts and they tease me about it saying stuff like "you know you want it" and other stuff like this. It makes me so angry and hurt. I just want to scream and cry and yell...."don't you realize that you are hurting me!?!", but I can't...the only thing I can do at the time is laugh with them. I don't know what else to do...it's like I am paralyzed.

So, finally, we sit down to watch a movie, and it's a Disney movie. What's wrong with this you might ask. Well...nothing I guess. However, it seems like the more I watch Disney movies, or Disney-like movies, the more angry and hurt I get. It's like, all these movies do is sell BS. In these movies, the glass slipper ALWAYS fits, the Beast is always seen for the beauty that lives inside him, the prince always shows up and saves the princess, the good guys always win. In these movies, family and friendship survive the most brutal of obstacles and become stronger. There is always a "Happy Ending". This just makes me so mad, that this is what we feed our children. That life is like a Cinderella dream. Well it isn't!!!! It never has been for me...Ever. And I doubt it has ever been for anyone else here.

Where is my Happy Ending? When will my glass slipper fit, and my Prince show up to take me a way to the Happily Ever After? Does that even fricken exist? Or is it all just a bunch of crap that's only purpose is to create false beliefs regarding reality? I know I am not the only one hurting tonight, and I am well aware that there are others who have it worse off than I. But honestly....how much can one person be expected to take?

If you actually read this....then thank you!!

That's all I can really say right now.....

[turquoisesea]

Telling friends is a scary thing - I guess that's why I haven't told them by will. I don't trust.
I don't know your friends. But at this point maybe it's best to tell them that you feel hurt when they joke about it. It IS possible, that not having been there and with DID as highly... well... misunderstood and publicized on tv shows which portray it in the extremes to say the least... that they really don't understand. To someone without the disorder, how could they understand the pain that goes with it... what it's like to live that way. What you had to go through.
Do you think maybe saying something could help?

You're right, you're not at a happy ending right now. Who knows, to be honest, if it will come. But even in Disney there's some pretty crappy stuff that happens. Just the movie only lasts and hour or two and it's over - our lives our longer and we have a TON of crap to deal with. Main characters in any story keep fighting and I think that's what we have to do too. I don't think the characters in any story see then ending they are coming to in advance, really. Disney over simplifies, portray a so fake world that I don't think I would even want to live in.
But regardless, we are forced to keep going, we have to. Don't rule a good ending out. It may not be picture perfect ... maybe we can find stuff to substitute. Just keep trying is all we can do.

I'm sorry things are so icky right now. I know what you mean I really do, and I know that really the most I can do is send some virtual hugs and some positive and hopeful thoughts your way. *sits here with you*

[Elysium]

(((((Turquoise)))))

Thank you so much for your words, and for the hugs!! It really helped take some heaviness off of my heart this morning!!

I don't think my friends really understand, but then again, I think they do. I am thinking of printing off a little something that explains DID and giving it to them both to read...if the choose too. My fear is that they won't.

I was doing the local DBT program in my area last year and was sharing with them about it. There was a little 2 hour seminar for friends/family, to help give them support and give them a chance to ask questions about the DBT and share their concerns about their loved ones. I asked them if they would go and told them I would pay for it. They were reluctant, but said yes. Then I found out that the seminar was ONLY for the friends and fam, and that I couldn't be there with them. When I told them this they looked at eachother and said...."Oh...well we don't need to go to therapy for you."

I didn't know how to take this....?

Anyway.....I am ranting again.....

Thanks for being here!! You really helped me to feel better!!

[onlymedid]

I think printing something off for your friends is a GREAT idea! I don't usually tell anyone about DID in my life because I just know they wouldn't understand. What a tough decision that must have been for you and I commend you on taking that step.

For them, I think they just really do not understand that what they are doing is hurtful. Sometimes when people don't understand something they make fun of it or of a situation to try to ease that uncomfortable feeling....I wonder if that is what they are doing?

I'm sorry I don't have many wise words, but know that you have been heard and I can offer lots of

Maybe you have yet to come upon your happy ending....maybe it's still ahead of you! You will get there!

(((Elysium))) if ok

You were very brave for telling your friends about DID. Their responces stunk. I'm sorry that you took a chance and got it thrown in your face. That just isn't right. Maybe educating them would be a good idea. Email them a print out about DID, so that he face to face contact isn't threatening to anyone.
Maybe they honestly believed they were all kidding around and didn't realize the hurt it caused you. If so, the education could only make you closer to them.

Yeah...about Disney.... a few years ago one of my little ones thought she was "helping" and booked a trip to Disney World cause of all the hard times and losses we were having. Imagine our collective shock, when no one felt any better, it rained the entire week of the trip, some felt afraid, and the "pink fairy" (from Sleeping Beauty) didn't acknowledge us. Disney sells dreams, nothing else but dreams. Dreams can be a good thing but if that is all you have to work with, you set yourself up for a big fall, as we did.
I'm really sorry the "happy ending" wasn't there this time. That doesn't mean it never will be there. I'm sorry you felt hurt by your friends. It sounds like a rotten day all around. I hope things look up soon.
sorry if this doesn't make any sense....

[turquoisesea]

[Elysium]

Thanks you guys!!

Your care and support have helped me feel better today!! I really appreciate it!! Aaaawwww!!!

Talk with you later...

[multipixie9]

Elysium,

I just have to ask, are you certain these people are actually friends? Their response to you sharing your DX and your aversion to certain things seems off to me. At the very least they do not show any empathy at all. I know I have told people my dx and lived to regret it strongly because they did not respond kindly or they broke off our friendship and rejected me for my problems. I want to be understood and accepted and some of my risks have turned out badly.

If you choose to try to educate them and their responses are still so mocking and unkind I would consider backing off socially and protecting yourself and your insiders until you can actually find some trustworthy people. These are just my opinions. I have had to live with the fact that most people around me will not understand what I live with as a dissociative person or understand the pain that made me become DID in the first place. Right now keeping myself and my insiders safe is the TOP priority in my life. I feel sad that they did not respond to you in a kind way, you deserve that much.

Don't even get me started on Disney..... yuk!

Leslie and her pixies