[jenwho]

Where do I even start? Too many issues going on in my head and can't seem to break this crying and moodiness cycle. First, let me give you some background history. I was abused by my grandfather for a short period of time. My brother abused me for years. Went to counseling for PTSD. When I was twenty I found out in nursing school that I was positive from my finance. I was kicked out of nursing school and the finance left. Step back three years prior to this, I went away to college after high school. Got into lots of drinking-related to the PTSD. Met my current husband there at college and we were big time drinking buddies. We remained friends after I left college and I continued to date. Years later I went up to see him and we started dating and finally got married. At the time, I thought I only had two to five years to live. That was what I was told in 1990. We married in 1994. During this time, he was working at a club and I was with him alot. Very uncertain about alot of stuff at the time. A guy came on to me at the club and tried to kiss me. I told my husband. He was angry, but I started having fantasies about this guy after that. My husband would come home and would be up hours into the night, when I wanted him to come to bed and snuggle, etc...Instead I caught him watching porn sometimes. This was the start of why he would preferred to do watch porn when I was available and married to him. He knew I was positive. For better or worse and and in sickness and health. Right? Years later he told me he had been afraid of me and didn't tell me. During this time, I thought something was wrong with me. We moved for his job to a different state. Again, our marriage closeness wasn't working for me. We were friends and I found support in that. I stayed with him for that. I started working odd jobs and had someone take interest in me. I felt alive and normal. I told my husband. Why? Hoping things would change. I started getting counseling for depression. The husband never did go to support groups or seek out any information on the issues we were facing together. Again, I started another job and met friends. Prior to this, I was ready to be a mom and knew that there was only a 30% chance of having a child become positive. We did not conceive in the traditional manner as other couples do, because of being positive. Our daughter was born healthy and is eleven today. She is negative. I stayed with my husband for years and did have affairs-YES CONDOMS and YES DID advise the persons of my conditions. Please don't ask me why knowing my condition, it was never my intention to ever harm anyone. I was able to go back to college get my teaching degree. We moved two years ago for our jobs. During the first year, we were both under extreme stress with the move, the jobs, etc. I was seeing someone for depression. Tried working out, etc. My husband bonded with our daughter from the day she was born and she did everything with us. We might of had two date nights while on vacation. He always knew my objections to wanting to have a hobby together to bring us closer. Instead, he had hobbies with our daughter. Last year we went to Europe and within two weeks after that, I moved out and asked for a divorce. I couldn't handle our so called relationship. Move to the present day, I am working full time, seeing a counselor, on medicine for depression. I recently met someone whom is similar to me in regards to my sexual life. Yes he is completely aware of my marriage, my health status and my daughter. Husband doesn't want the divorce. I moved into an apt and see my daughter every other weekend. Our relationship is strained. She is a bright young lady; however, she is angry with me. She was in counseling and is no longer. This morning I took her to school and she was wearing shorts. Her dad asked her to change her shorts and put on long pants and she got snippy with him. She did go up and change. I kinda harped on the issue on the way to school of why she would even question him or me about the weather when it is 34 degrees outside. She is coming over tonight with her girlfriend. I am home from work today-have appt to see ENT. My emotions are and always getting to me. I cried the whole way home. I don't even know where to start to get control of things. Friends are at work and they aren't aware of my health status. I am an emotional wreck and don't even know how to get somewhat level headed. Concerns: I will be judged by this blog, I will be told to seek help- I am...I am on medicine for depression. I just needed some guidance into what next or where do I go from here.....

Have you filed for divorce?

[jenwho]

He finally is going to sign them. He doesn't want the divorce. I do.

Glad he signed. Maybe now you can move on with you life.

Be well.

[billieJ]

Dear Jen, I'm glad your husband signed divorce papers if that is what you want. Your 11 y/o daughter is just acting her age, as well as possibly responding to the divorce. You are doing very well if you are still working. I realize that you probably don't have time for therapy. You might find companionship, as well as answers to some of your life questions by joining an organizations for positives. There is one in my small area of TX, so I assume that you could find one nearby. Congratulations on your efforts to work yourself out of a negative situation, to work and to raise a "tween"! It can't be easy! billieJ

[jennaorgana]

divorce is the first step to recovery. now that you will be away from him for good, you can salvage the parts of yourself that you lost. then, and only then, you can begin to heal emotionally and all those other ways. you'll feel like yourself again. the roller coaster will stop

[jenwho]

thank you all for your supporting words....God Bless you, Jen

Please keep posting so we know how you are doing.

Pax vobiscum.

[jenwho]

When it rain it pours. Just found out at school that my contract is not being renewed for next year and my evaluation was unsatisfactory. I called my parents to come up and I am suppose to have my daughter this weekend. Rewind back alittle, Well during Christmas, went to Fl and yes had a family fight (not physical, but verbal) during my sister's son birth. Daughter was with me....Now she is telling the ex that she is afraid of them...She is 11 years old. I don't mind if he THE EX never talks to me or likes me again, but to manipulate a child like that is just wrong and I pray she will be okay. She isn't come over this weekend now. I am truly stressed and tired and any prayers would help. God Bless, jen