I Am Such A Loser over 5 YEARS Seperated

kacey321 · Feb 04, 2011, 03:50 PM

I haven't been here over a year..my husband left me end of '05 got a GF in end of '08 moved her in and they still are together .He pays my insurance and my kids thats it she has everything else while I live on disablity and I am depressed,disabled and still in love with the jerk.He told me he won't divorce me (he never wants to remarry anyone)is this his way of not marrying her?She knows he's married still is she nuts too anything happens to him she's sh** out of luck legally I am still his wife and get the house they are in its in his name and mine,life insurance etc.I can't move on 5 years (I'll be 47 next week not getting any younger but to young to die)therapy ,antidepressants trying to date how long does a broken heart take to mend ? And now being winter the worst in years snowstorm after snowstorm I am fearing Agoraphobia when I used to get out even for a coffee every day now it can be 2 weeks sometimes housebond.

Feb 04, 2011, 04:27 PM

Perhaps you should send her a bill for rent?

Leed · Feb 04, 2011, 04:41 PM

How come HE got the house?? YOU have the kids -- why didn't YOU get the house??? You should kick that so and so OUT and take the house back. And YOU should file for divorce so that you can get your life back! maybe you can find some nice guy of your own!!!

I'm disabled too -- but I found a wonderful guy who didn't care. We got married, but unfortunately he became ill and died. But I still had him for 7+ years. You are NOT over-the-hill by ANY stretch of the imagination. There are many guys out there that would love to meet you. Why not go looking?

You are NOT a loser, dearheart. You are just as good as anyone else. Just because we're disabled doesn't mean we can't still love. Go for it my friend! Life is too short! ((((Hugs)))) Lee

kacey321 · Feb 04, 2011, 04:41 PM

Oh believe me I have had that thought at one time or another lol He actually had a paper drawn up last year to have me quit claim deed the house to him .He is Bi=Polar and I believe Borderline Personality Disorder so I am scared of that temper of his so I wouldn't dar ask about rent but did say I'll have a lawer lppk at the Deed thing its been since January 2010 and he hasn't asked about it again yet.There is no way I'll sign it if he asks again I'll jus say haven't had the chance.I did have the guts to ask him to mortgage that house and mine together since his credit is perfect)mine ruined when he left me)and he said he might 3 months ago that would put me in the best position one mortgage in his name if I stopped paying him my piece of it my house would be paid off and "our "house would be his debt"yet still both of our house .
I still hate feeling helpless and hopelss and like a coward.

kacey321 · Feb 04, 2011, 04:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leed

How come HE got the house?? YOU have the kids -- why didn't YOU get the house??? You should kick that so and so OUT and take the house back. And YOU should file for divorce so that you can get your life back! maybe you can find some nice guy of your own!!!

I'm disabled too -- but I found a wonderful guy who didn't care. We got married, but unfortunately he became ill and died. But I still had him for 7+ years. You are NOT over-the-hill by ANY stretch of the imagination. There are many guys out there that would love to meet you. Why not go looking?

You are NOT a loser, dearheart. You are just as good as anyone else. Just because we're disabled doesn't mean we can't still love. Go for it my friend! Life is too short! ((((Hugs)))) Lee

Hi Lee the kids are mine from first marriage the house he is in is ours and i am in a house tha was mine but with much bigger bills that when we were together he helped with as i helped with that home too.Then he left and stopped all financila help at all saying the kids werent his .I said don't you feel even moraaly or ethically any reason to help some my being your wife and you make 5 times more than me ,he told me have the kids quit school and support you.I tried like an idiot to work things out with him for over 2 years then he "fell out of love with me"then like 3 months later meets someone and moved her in 6 months later been with her now over 2 years.I am broken..Financially,emotionally and physically..

Feb 04, 2011, 04:51 PM

ahhh we posted at same moment...I deleted that.

kacey321 · Feb 04, 2011, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolfsong

ahhh we posted at same moment...I deleted that.

What did you delete?

Feb 04, 2011, 08:05 PM

haha just saw your Q...n ....I can't remember...haha thats what a brain injury does lol...idk sweety

trixielou · Feb 07, 2011, 07:51 PM

i cant seem to get my husband to give me a divorce basically he still wants to be with me treat me like a dog at the same time & eventually starts in cuz he cant drink (im a recovering alcoholic) all boils down to control in my case & him feel like hes losin control. im on ssd but my dad lives with me which i couldnt stay in this house i rent on my own except for a miracle from God. rite now the only miracle i want is a divorce. i let him back for another chance but that didnt last long same old verbally abusive junk & the last straw was when he got drunk & started calling crack dealers which ive struggled with as well but am cleeean now & so very grateful to God! everything is so much easier said than done believe me i know i dunno what to tell u except be here cuz i have my own details about kids & other things in my case that if i try to explain to anyone besides t or his receptionist whose tried to help me or dad or good christian friend all i get is a bunch of judgmental mouth! im almost 37 & like i told tees helper today how on this earth can people have the audacity to judge based on 15 years behind MY CLOSED DOORS! aarrgghh got so worked up today felt like i was going to have a seizure cuz im on klonopin for nerves & seizures zoloft & other meds & rite now im going thru health issues with chronic diarrhea my doc is helping me with & its causing dehydration & loss of electrolytes & trying to avoid going in the hospital from further dehydration grrrr i finally just broke down today & sent husband a really nasty email cuz Lord knows hes vented his feelings enuff but oohhh im different im supposed to go along with everything like a doormat & be a nice girl trust me its not me to hide behind emails but i could not endure a phone call with his pathetic lies & further stress i hope u find hapiness sweety cuz u deserve it everybody does not to be in a chaotic turmoil of a life with toxic people that wanna have their cake & eat it too

then u have people do this do that & when u finally make ur make its all lip service no help or support ha lol what a great way to weed out the liars from true people dont say friend cuz i dont know what a friend is anymore really havent had one for so long sorry for long rant

kacey321 · Feb 07, 2011, 09:04 PM

I Thank you for opening up your in a different hell but believe you get mine.I hope we both find some middle ground some day and if there is a such thing as Karma as so many believe I hope it comes around sooner than later cuz I am not sure how long I'll last to see it come around at my rate.

Leed · Feb 08, 2011, 09:33 AM

Bless your heart kacey ~ Pardon me for saying this, but he sounds like a real JERK. These men don't seem to care what they're doing to us. They only care about their "mistress."

I wish I could help you somehow. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you. Hugs, Lee

Feb 08, 2011, 11:10 AM

I guess Kacy I was going to say I relate.I am in the same situation sort of.I stay in my truck camper when he's home...and in the house if he is gone.IDC...life sucks...all I can do is try to help others,and keep my eyes on the horizonal line.So,I do.

Yoda · Feb 08, 2011, 11:37 AM

You are in a difficult position. What is it that you would see as the best possible outcome of your situation?

kacey321 · Feb 08, 2011, 06:11 PM

Of course there are 2 outcomes the evil one and right one I guess and the dream so 3 I suppose . If he were to admit the errors of his ways and throw her out and fall back in love with me and it could be like it was that of course is the Dream scenerio.
The Evil of course would be that with the ending of me being strong enough to throw him back out and hurt him as bad as I have been hurting and for him to really truly be hurt like me to know deep down what it feels like to bleed on and on for years like me with no blood.Then the right thing would be for me to be able to move on and him to realize he shouldn't be so selfish and should help me somewhat financially and I can meet someone and fall in love again.
It seems the longer and longer time goes on the pain isn't getting better and I feel it should by now.

milrhea · Feb 09, 2011, 02:20 AM

Have a divorce, so that you will be legally separated. Get a new life move-on. Divorce will help you through it, and it would also help you identify his responsibilities from YOU. Such as financial assistance, let that bastard realize who he left... Read about divorce assistance and you will know what you will benefit from that bastard.

kacey321 · Feb 09, 2011, 07:58 PM

Hi milrea, I cannot afford to get a lawyer on my social security disability income.I had tried at one time inquiring about legal assistance and was told I didn't qualify since I legally own half the house he is in and the one I am in even though they both have mortgages and the one he is in was given to us before we got married and he put an equity loan on it shortly after. My house has a larger mortgage on it that I am in danger of falling behind shortly (my savings from my soc.sec.lump sum payment in '03 and insurance payment from my desceased mom ,who died in '87 I got money not much after he left me is now gone to pay my bills)

I have had alot of people tell me he would more than likely have to pay me alimony because I am disabled . I have my doubts as we married in 2003 ,he left me in '05 .They say length of marriage doesn't go by when he left since we never even got any seperation,but the actual date of divorce? So if thats the case we are going on year 8 this year, and still file joint taxes living at my house and claim the other as "our second home"so big deal we split any refund every year (change in his pocket,sometimes 1 mortgage payment for me).

I also try to kid myself that if I hang on another 2 and a half years then divorce him and he doesn't make that move (hopefully )we will be legally married 10 years and then I can change my s.s. claim to his record of earnings and my check will almost double ...Now how sick is that one...Then I could divorce him and not have to think about his threats if alimony or him having to buy me out of the house etc.came up...walk away never look back not touching his precious pennies so to speak as much as he should pay ..that would be the only way to hurt his kind ...Emotionally I don't beleve I ever could or anyone else.

trixielou · Feb 09, 2011, 11:04 PM

also just like my husband he sounds like the typical emotional abuser who does no wrong everyone & everything else is to blame i saw my t yesterday & he said he works with people who have been abused but not abusers he said he sends them elsewhere enuff said theyre too caught up in their diabolical sick selves & their mind is sick & few of them humble themselves to even realize they need help let alone get it he knows where he has u & its sick but u would throw him for a complete loop if u divorced him is their legal aid u can apply 4 where u live? as for mine i always say there is a God in Heaven who knows & sees everything even the motives of the heart & mind that people think they have so hidden wrroonnggg they way i see it is KEEP IT UP! there will be a day when people read what they sew!

kacey321 · Feb 11, 2011, 11:15 PM

I have to agree with you trixie on the emotional abuse he was so good the first few years together then we got married and he started turning very controlling treating me like i was a child ,saying his way was better to do things rotting my self esteem sowly but surely then he leaves 2 days after christmas taking presents bought for the family,my son in chemo all over an argument with my other son he says ???

I tried legal aid a couple years back and they say i don;t qualify due to "owning"or being on the deed of the 2 homes so assets disqualify me even though i qualify for food stamps,fuel,food pantries etc. because i am so beyond poverty level its not funny while he eats out with her,she attended school maybe on his dime or at least she didn't work and lives with him so she had free food,shelter etc.pisses me off and i am gutless to stand up to his *** knowing and seeing him put his own head through a wall or fist through 2 computer monitors even though he never hit me his voice and actions scare me.

jenkins09 · Feb 16, 2011, 11:34 PM

Kacey321 can I be frank? you don't want a divorce, nor do you want to move on from this man..at least not yet. If you did, you would have done it long ago. There are attorneys out there that would work this pro bono, on a contingency basis, or hell, you could do it yourself.

I understand that it's hard, and probably very scary for you to even think about moving on. It is fear that paralyzes us, but I know one day you will have the strength to move on, it's all about timing. You deserve to be happy and have a man who loves you. This dude has commitment issues and knows if you two were to divorce he would be paying through the nose.

I don't mean to offend you, but I have been where you have been. It's the fear that is blocking you right now. I hope you learn to really LOVE YOU. When you do you will be free to move on and start a new chapter of your life.

kacey321 · Feb 17, 2011, 06:50 PM

Jenkins I know you are right on alot of what you are saying...as far as an attorney working pro bono no..doing it myself the fear is facing his rage because yes I think he probably would have to pay something given the circumstances ,I met with him today to get his paperwork for tax filing since we file jointly living at the same address and asked him if she happens to use the address they live at(our house we co-own)he said yes ...so i then asked well i hope she doesn't claim she pays rent because we would have to declare her rent as income...he responded she doesn't pay rent..
I guess maybe that is possibly more ammo for me eventually,living with him in our house not paying anything??? And I live on s.s.d.a. food stamps and other asst. and he feeds and boards her arss..and your right ..I don't Love Me much haven't for awhile he took that away slowly but surely and cinched it when he left without reason then proceeded to find someone new 2 years after instead of trying to work it out with me or fall back in love with me ..

And yes scares the crap out of me that I love him still so much and deeply that I am scared to let go and love anyone that much again I don't know if I could survive as I am barely breathing now.

What bothers me the most is how can I be so stuck this long ...nothing has ever "paralyzed"so to speak for years like this ?Days go by,weeks,months and years ...I don't want to continue yet at the same time can't move out of this

trixielou · Feb 18, 2011, 09:44 PM

yeah when i met him he was different happy upbeat he changed once we lived together & then got married think over the years bitterness & anger over his first marriage but no excuse hes still doing the manipulative thing saying oh i knew when u got in ur mid 30s u would want somethin or someone else i gave gave gave & loved i guess til it ran out he knows he needs help but wont get it dunno what goes thru an abusers mind other than its always my fault im to blame if this or that were different then he would be happier im by no means putting men down cuz i know of women who r the same sad way in my case its always i just want u back & 4 us to be a family just plain tired & want to go on with my life & im at the point that im going to whether we r still married or not cuz he is draggin his feet about a divorce maybe just another way of screwin with me oh yeah & i just wanna be free to lay around in bars chase men get high pllleeaasseee had enuff of that before i met him to last 10 peoples sewing wild oats not to mention earlier on we both still partied together just plain tired & wanna be left alone which he had managed to do lately thank God!

kacey321 · Feb 20, 2011, 08:58 PM

I know he got my all and claimed to have tried maybe he did 10% to my 90% and now he has his high again which I think is that in love feeling everyone gets with someone new for a couple years or so then when reality sets in and the feelings of reality hits that either you love that person and want to be with them you do or maybe in his case he stayed longer with me then needed that high again after 6 years or so and now has her without cutting me loose so to speak nothing between us but the marriage certificate and he knows I still love him .So what happens next if he falls out of love with her in a year or 2 he'll kick her out and have to find another one for that "in love high"he will continue "collecting his jar of hearts" a great song about men like him I heard by Christina Perri ..He had someones heart when he met me who still wanted him and even told me she was getting him back ...well she didn't he married me ,they were never married but he stole 8 years of her life and admitted to me he knew after a year he didn't love her and repeaditly tried to get her to move out but also felt bad for her daughter who was little she used her to stay and hopefully get him back..I on the other hand do not stoop to any level to win him back just leave him be...sorry for rambling on ..I hate the fact I love him and wish I could hate him then it wouldn't hurt.....WTF....I hope his GF hurts him more than he has ever hurt in his life so he can feel something for all he has done to everyone ...

Feb 21, 2011, 07:54 AM

Really? Don't wish that...the pain between two people ripples out to so many more people.Wish for peace among you,him,and all those your lives affect.I fully understand your pain.I have been there,am there.It is normal to be this angry.Anger is a symptom of hurt.You hurt.I am so sorry that you are hurting inside.That things between you and he have come to this point.But please seek counseling to ease this pain and this bitterness,and try to find your inner beauty.The things that are you...special about you.Dig to find what would please you.Art classes? Volunteering? Self improvement?If nothing pans out between you and he....where do you want to see your life...and your state of 'mind/health' in 5 years.Decide you can only control your actions...and whether you will fold,or rise like a phoenix!For you!....Breathe and and pursue wholeness and a loving self.~W~

kacey321 · Feb 22, 2011, 12:01 AM

Wolfsong ..I have just been so hurt,so broken,the tears are endless how many can keep flowing how long can the heart keep bleeding and the pain feel so fresh like it was just yesterday its been over 5 years not days,not weeks,not months ..My soul hurts to the core,my heart bled dry yet still feels and hurts so badly .I have been in counseling and my T is as confused by his actions as I. Its like he is definately done then does something to idicate w...e...l....l.. not sure but for the most part his words are definately not going to come back to me....yet of course no divorce filing...

Some days very rare I can feel nothing which is better than something...then it will hit bad...then those days I wish him to hurt or be hurt emotionally 100 times more than I have been hurting ...

I told him about a year after he left if we ever got divorced he would never ever see me or hear from me again ,I would no longer be a part of his life..he was kind of taken aback he had hoped we could be friends like I am with my first husband ..I said never ..I feel a much deeper love for him the 2nd husband it

would hurt to much ..the 1st and I have children and can have a friendship with ease there was no hurt when our relationship ended ..

I sometimes wonder if the 2nd is somehow remembering that and doesn't want to lose me forever as I promised so in his twisted way keeps me as his wife so I don't "disappear"as promised.Because I still will as I said.

Feb 22, 2011, 11:22 AM

Yes.That's just it.You hurt so very badly.It aches.Consumes your thoughts.It takes a place in your life to the degree that all else is over shadowed.When it all boils down....it robs you of your peace.I dance with that demon and am become terrifically intimate with him.
I wish I could embrace you,let you sob,tell you it's ok.Ok to weep.Agree it is so painful.That you have a right to be angry.
Then urge you to go back and find when it became anger.What you felt before the anger.How you got to the place where that prior feeling arose.....keep tracing back.To it's origination.
5 years this pain has robbed you.I am no one to challenge how long grief,pain,bitterness,and mourning should continue.I relive shi* from the cradle.But think about this for a second.Would you want your daughter,mom,best friend...anyone to be robbed of their peace in life if someone hurt their tender heart?You wouldn't.You'd want to soothe them.Tell them how strong they are.How they deserve so much better.What makes you less valuable?Who t f is he that he should rob your heart,hurt you,and claim 5 years of your peace...and perhaps longer?Let him be responsible for his actions.He can't detract from your value.
I am not judging those primal thoughts of wishing your pain onto him.What my stance boils down to is the fact that anger ,bitterness,and rage...all stem from an injury.A place in you lain wide open like a razor cut.It's an infection.The infection goes systemic.It gets into your bloodstream and weakens the heart.
I just don't think we deserve to allow this to reinjure us in such a cycle.I think you need to step back and ask yourself if keeping this bond is similar to refusing stitches and antibiotics.You can pursue a divorce.You first must decide to "Let go".

~W~

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