Ex will not communicate re: child.

I've been in a joint-custody arrangement with my daughter's mother for many years now. She has been difficult to communicate with ever since our relationship ended, but over the last two years communication has grown consistently worse. It seems very cyclical, as in for a while she'll be cordial and she will suddenly change to combative with no notice and no way for me to even discuss the issue with her.

I've been saying for years that we need to forget the past and focus on our child, and that I want nothing to do with old issues. I don't want to have these power struggles. They are not healthy for our child and only serve to waste energy better focused on more positive aspects of our lives and situations.

I have only very few insights as to how my child is doing outside of the time she spends with me and what she chooses to tell me. My daughter has been having school problems (too many absences, not turning in homework). She is exhibiting signs of depression. From the conversations my daughter and I have had, it seems that her mother's marriage is disintegrating and my 12 year old daughter is directly in the middle of it.

I want to find more ways to help her, to support her, but her mother directly stands in the way of me expanding on communication with her directly. I don't even know that the ex and I necessarily even need to talk directly in most cases. My daughter is old enough to coordinate all the pick-up and drop-off times, school events and whatever else she would like. However, her mother will not let her answer the phone on her own, even if she hears my voice on the answering machine. She won't let me get her a cell phone, even if it's restricted.

Court and the law aren't going to help in this case, as she just ignores half of the orders from our arrangement anyway.

I've tried everything from reasoning, bargaining, sucking up with the ex to outright capitulation to everything she demands, but nothing helps in the long run. I know she hates me, that much is obvious. But that doesn't matter, we have bigger concerns and higher responsibilities to meet. I just want to have some semblance of peace in life and to be able to plan time with other family or vacations.

As it stands right now, I can't really have a life outside of this because I have no idea when I'll see my daughter, so I end up putting everything aside for her, then the ex pulls the rug out from under me at the last minute (usually 2 hours after I was due to pick her up) so I can't really make plans with other family, friends, dates, or even go out of town on business.

Has anyone dealt with this? Has anything specific helped you? Thanks.

Presumably it was set by the courts? If your ex- isn't giving reasonable accomodation, is jerking you around, you can take her back to court (whether she likes you or not, as you have observed, is not the issue) to help make the scheduling more "sane" for you and your daughter! Her issues with her current marriage are not your or your daughter's problems! But that your daughter is having additional trouble at the moment in your ex's care would get a judge's attention so they might help set scheduling (since your ex- is being wishy washy about it).

I would either insist she obey the letter of the joint-custody arrangement "law" as it is or would tell her you are "concerned" and feel you may have to insist on going back to court for your daughter's sake if she doesn't get her act together better and be a more consistent parent to you all's daughter.

I agree 100% with Perna. Why are you putting up with this nonsense? Take the woman back to court!! She is SUPPOSED to be abiding by the court's decision - just like you are. The minute YOU didn't make a support payment, do you think she wouldn't take YOU to task??

If she's not making it possible for you to see your daughter - or she's making it very difficult - take her butt to court!! By doing this, she's hurting your daughter more than anything. Don't put up with it ! She's a witch with a "b." As a matter of fact, why not get custody of your daughter - all Mom is doing is using daughter for leverage. Best of luck. God bless. Hugs, Lee

I don't have any faith in the system. This will probably sound unbelievable but it's what happened:

I don't live in a place that trends toward giving fathers custody. I had custody of my daughter from infancy to 6 years. I took her for her own protection because she was being neglected and told child services what I had done, and cooperated with them. Years later, her mother took me to court for custody and took advantage of my marriage ending. I requested a psych eval for us both and the evals somehow magically disappeared a week before the ruling. The judge refused to delay to order them again. Since there was no proof that she was unfit, I lost custody. During the custody battle, she accused me and my ex-wife of every type of abuse (substance, physical, emotional and sexual, all completely disproven and she was warned against making further accusations). She harassed my employers, my family and my friends. The judge was informed of all of this and yet it still was not enough.

It comes down to her parents have money for a good lawyer and I don't. Also, I know at this point that if I start another court battle she will play merry Hell on my daughter in retaliation. My daughter will likely not tell anyone what is going on because she doesn't want to choose between us, and her mother has convinced her that's what loyalty means.

I apologize if I sound defeatist or overly negative. Thanks to you both for your responses.

So she's one of those huh? My granddaughter's father is exactly like that. He USED to use my granddaughter as a "pawn" to get what he wanted from my daughter (his ex-wife). Now he doesn't even SEE my granddaughter or CALL her. He owes well over $8,000 in child support but he had enough to ADOPT his step son!!

I could go on and on about that creep, but you get the picture. Sounds like your ex and my daughter's ex ought to get together!

I'm sorry you're going thru this nightmare along with your daughter. People like your ex need to pay for their cruelty -- it's child abuse in any language. I'll keep you in my prayers. God bless. Hugs, Lee

I thought you had joint custody?

Battles are very harmful. This may be partly why she is acting so uncooperative. Those battles are hurtful, etc. I don't justify her behavior, just stating a fact. The actual process of divorce and going to court can turn a couple further apart from each other. I think another court battle would be harmful too, to your daughter especially, so I don't encourage you to go to court again. However, what I suggest instead would probably not be high on your list or your ex-wife's (see next paragraph). Your ex-wife sounds very unreasonable and not easy to come to agreements with outside of the court. It sounds like you have tried sitting down and having a heart to heart talk and trying to get her to place her daughter's needs first, but it was unsuccessful? Is your daughter in counseling? I would strongly suggest this. If you have joint custody as you said originally, then you have some say in her medical care.

What I do suggest is that you and your ex-wife go to counseling together. There are therapists who specialize in post-divorce counseling, and they could help you come to some agreements outside of the court and put your daughter's interests first. Many former couples would rather gouge out one of their eyes than go to counseling with their ex-spouse, so I understand if you or your ex would automatically reject this. Still, it can help.

I have joint custody of my 2 daughters and am thankful my ex-husband and I had divorce counseling before we were divorced. It helped us immensely. Post-divorce counseling can offer the same, but it's harder, as the former couple has the added pain of the divorce to interfere with cooperative co-parenting. Now is an especially stressful time for your ex-wife, because it sounds like her current marriage is now failing too. The encouragement of a professional might help her see that despite her current situation, she must still think of her daughter.

Good luck!!

I'm never quite sure how the courts got so much power over relationships. Possibly lawyers became promiscuous and needed a way to redress their own situation.
Your relationship, with your daughter parallels that of your ex. Its not easy but, its over - move on or your broken heart will kill you.

I lost primary custody. Sorry for the miscommunication. I see my daughter on the standard 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend visitation.

I've tried to have countless conversations with my ex about how we should focus on our daughter and not waste our energies in old battles. We're stuck with each other for the duration anyway, so we might as well make each others' lives easier while making our daughter's life better. She still wants to fight those old fights, or she wants me to follow every demand she gives. For a long time I followed every demand whether it was the right call or not just to try to keep the peace. It didn't help.

My ex has an extreme aversion to any sort of therapy or counseling. When I was with her, she was literally afraid of being labeled as crazy. It took months for her to even take the original psych eval for our court case, which is why the judge wouldn't delay again to have the evaluations redone.

I agree 100% with counseling for my daughter and I'm looking into therapy options for her. She doesn't see the reason for trying to do well in school or behave right now. Just yesterday, her mother said our daughter was "ruining her life" on the phone with me. I don't know if my daughter was in earshot, but I do know that my ex is blaming her partially for her marriage problems. I've tried to express to my daughter privately that none of this is her fault, but I don't know how much difference I can make only seeing her as much as I do.

I have a personal history with my ex that would prevent me from going to counseling with her. She was abusive in a lot of ways and it's taken years for me to be able to put any part of it to rest, so I don't think that's the best option for me. I've written about it on other parts of the forums but it's quite triggering so I won't link to it here. If at all possible I may try to talk to my ex's parents and try to get my ex and her husband into marriage counseling, that would at least help with how they are treating my daughter in this situation.

im a mom on the opposite end he resents me 4 not wanting him anymore after many tries he took 3 yr old when i made him leave i did not put up an argument as u cant reason with people like him hes stressed & has decided to let her visit for a day we have a 13 yr old but she lives at his dads where my husband is staying im like u i just want to provide the best for Lil & 4 the court systems in WV as with a lot of other places they suck so theres no use in even wasting your time trying to go thru them he will make comments like "u kicked us out in the dead of winter" no i kicked him out & he took Lil like i said i didnt argue theres other small kids that live there & i knew he would be wantin a break eventually he wants to be here & Lil wants us to be together but he just wants to stay the way he is & also does not want to give up booze altogether dont get me wrong Lil is very safe & cared 4 & God will ultimately work things out i just cant have his chaos around me anymore & if u went back to court it would be a waste of time with same old run around

so it goes i just read ur post rite above mine & it is like a carbon copy except im the mom & hes the dad who has the kids prayers 4 ur daughter let me guess ur ex is takin all of her crap out on her but she doesnt wanna give u custody cuz then she wont get ur child support i think i would be willing to take ur daughter to live with u if possible & still pay the troubled woman her petty check just to keep her from screwin ur daughter up anymore i know things r always easier said than done again prayers 4 yours & mine

my ex did the same to me (original poster), regarding my child, we had joint parental custody yet she has physical custody of my son and after a decade of being battered both legally and emotionally from pillar to post we decided the best thing we can do for my son is to leave as it was only going to get worse for everyone involved if we continued trying to see him.

adding up all the visitation days over a ten year period that we actually got to see my son it equates to 71 total visitations, 18 overnights (24-hr period) and 53 part days averaging 6-7 hrs with 2hrs total traveling to be deducted on each visit (pickup/drop-off) totaling 803 hours or 33.5 days (travel included). that is what we have had to contend with for the last decade in regards to visitation.

EVERY part day had to be fought for using whatever means deemed necessary at the time, up-to and including violent force being used against the new husband as a lever to get her to listen, to visiting her mom with cheap wine and even cheaper charm to ask/tell her to make her daughter see sense and let me see my son, to "bumping" into her friends on the street and starting a conversation with them asking them how my son was doing as we had not seen each other for a while just so they would tell the ex almost guaranteeing a semi abusive email from her that we could reply to asking for visitation knowing she was going to read it.

the full days or 24 hr periods are grouped over six, 3 day annual holidays. we so just wanted to run and hide with him, leave the country even, but we didn't, that would only have reinforced her case against my right toward visitation and gotten me arrested or sectioned again.

there comes a point when the only option you have left is to walk away, not because you want to, but because you have to, we are deemed mentally unfit to care for a child and we don't want the state bringing him up in a care home, because honestly if we ever have to speak to that woman again it will be the last thing that she ever does willingly.

we know that a lot of people would disapprove of what we have done, we don't care what they think, its not them whom have to live with the decisions or actions we have had to make, nay implement, its me. and yes we can live with ourselves and the decisions we have made. we have to, there is no other option.

hope it doesn't get that far with you.

gulchenrouz the last couple things u said bout walking away & letting them have kids i have done the very same thing i know what u mean dont CARE about peoples opinions anymore & the how can u do that crap i dealt with the courts for a short time & washed my hands of that cuz some judge or lawyer cannot begin to make decisions based on a 20 year history just by seeing u 4 a few minutes out of your life the most frustrating thing is i just want a no fault divorce & i know they have this in wv WITH kids cuz i know someone who dun it not too long ago but i have a husband who doesnt wanna let go of me so he forget it i really dont know what goes thru his head i just put it in Gods hands cuz after all He can do a much better job & Hes in control just waitin for weather to break to i can do things with child & pray 4 her & her sister every day & my troubled husband too