How the heck does one afford a divorce lawyer???

OK, so my husband has indicated he definitely is not willing to work on our marriage and will not change his mind about divorce. So that's that. I'm terribly unhappy but trying to keep it together for the kids' sake.

Things between me and my soon-to-be-ex are actually quite civil, and this looks to be a pretty amicable split (i.e., no custody battle, etc.).

However, every lawyer I've contacted has wanted a retainer ranging from $5,000 to $10,000 (!). I read all over the place online about how most of them would be willing to hold off on payment until the divorce is over, and then the husband would pay the attorney bills or I'd pay the attorney out of any settlement I get. However, nobody seems willing to do this.

My husband and I have decided to do the divorce through mediation to ensure that everyone's best interest is addressed, so it's not like I'm facing a long, drawn-out, nasty court battle. I can understand the attorneys wanting a large retainer, just in case, because I'm sure a lot of divorces deteriorate into vicious battles, but I'm nearly certain that won't be the case here.

I don't have $5,000. I could probably scrape together $2,000. I might be able to sell some jewelry or ask my dad for a loan, but those are both pretty iffy prospects. I also could get a small loan, perhaps, through the bank: I do work at home on a part-time basis and do have some income.

My husband has agreed to work with me on this, but the plain fact is that we don't have several thousand dollars lying around.

Does anyone have any advice? Anyone been through a similar situation?

This may sound absurd, but when my ex and I got divorced, we used the SAME LAWYER! LOL Since we were both in agreement about the divorce, and had already talked about who got what, there wasn't any sense in getting 2 lawyers. So the attorney just drew up the papers, we signed them, and all was good!!

Now that might not be possible with minor children -- I don't know. Our kids were 18 and over. But it's an idea -- and it sure is cheaper!

Best of luck & God bless! Hugs, Lee

If it's going to be uncontested divorce, you may be able to do it without a lawyer. It is more footwork, printing, filling, filing all the forms yourself, but there is no law that for a divorce to be legal you have to have an attorney printing your forms.

But I have never been married even, so I really do not know how well it may work or not. Two of my friends had divorced, one had an awful bitter battle and they did use lawyers, the other was all just making official a de facto state of the two of them living completely separate for years. They found some paralegal to help with the papers.

http://www.divorcesupport.com/

Finding people who've done it DYI way and how it worked for them would probably be most helpful.

Thank you both, so much, Lee and Sunna, for your responses. My husband and I have decided to use a mediator, and I do believe my husband does want to be as fair as possible, but on the other hand I'm not completely trustful, and after 17 years of working only part time so I can stay at home to raise the children, I'm paranoid about getting a fair settlement until I can find a full-time job. We will each need a lawyer to review the mediation agreement before submitting it to the court, though, and all the lawyers I've called are still quoting some pretty high fees.

I'm sure something will work out. Thank you again!

My ex and I went through mediation.

Being very low-income, the attorneys and psychologist worked our case as volunteer. They were really great!

They approach divorce differently when children are involved. Children, visiting and income are separate entities. Some people do spilt custody exactly 50/50, but it's extremely rare. Usually there is a head custodian and a secondary custodian. There are then different formulas applied to how much money is needed to care for the children.

While my ex and I went to mediation together, and wanted to make our divorce as easy as possible for our children, there were still some tough decisions to make at times. I certainly cried a couple of times. But, I am very glad that we didn't go to court over anything. There is no benefit out of going to court, as it causes even more stress in an already emotional experience.

I wish you the best. It isn't fun ~ but the mediation is much more give/take, which really does help after divorce. After all, you will always have a connection through your children. Which means regular contact with one another. Try to remain polite and openly discuss what's happening in the children's lives, so everyone is one the same page. It makes the children's lives much easier...less stressful for them.

Mediation info, including costs versus lawyer (although they suggest you still have a lawyer unless your mediator is a lawyer): http://library.findlaw.com/2000/Aug/1/129039.html

Here's the the top online, do-it-"yourself" source, Legal Zoom:

http://www.legalzoom.com/divorce-gui...t-_-CD499-_-na

Thanks so much, Shezbut and Perna! Perna, I will definitely check out those links.

We met with the mediator (who is an attorney) yesterday, and things are going pretty smoothly (i.e., amicably) so far, although I am extremely emotional about it and trying hard to hold it together. After the kids are all back in school in a couple of weeks I can have a good cry when I am all alone. It's been tough trying to keep it together in front of the children.

Thanks again everyone!

It good to know things are going well. Used a mediator during my divorce too. It still made me a basketcase. Did learn that legalzoom and divorce kits are not accepted in all states, and it was a pain anyways.

Make sure you get anything and everything you can think of put into writing during your mediation. Even with the paperwork, it seemed like my ex never remembered anything, and/or lied about following the agreements. Good Luck!

So you need money for a retainer and your husband also needs money for a retainer, if you each have your own lawyer. Maybe you could talk with your husband about setting aside some pot of money from your joint assets that will be used for legal fees for both of you. Because you are both in the same boat, needing to pay a retainer. And your assets are community property, so why not set aside some for this purpose? You two do need to get out of the marriage and this is going to take some money. You shouldn't have to sell your personal jewels for this. You two could liquidate part of a retirement fund, for example, or use savings, if you two have them. Your ability to pay is not just based on your own personal small income. If your husband works and has income, that is yours too--you aren't divorced yet. But don't just "take" without discussing. Make a joint decision on how the two of you will pay for this divorce. He's the one forcing this divorce on you, it's not like you want money for a dream vacation to Peru.

You might also take this question to a local "free legal advice" clinic. Many universities with law schools have those. I don't know if they could do divorce work for you, but they might be able to recommend low cost attorneys, or at least those who work without a retainer, or those who only ask for a lower retainer. Maybe your mediator also knows some lawyers like this.

When my husband and I divorced, we did collaborative divorce rather than mediation or litigation (going to court). It was very amicable. In collaborative divorce, the lawyers and couple work together. The lawyers are not adversarial towards each other, but collaborative. We each had our own attorneys. But it still cost a lot of money to employ those two lawyers. I would have felt uncomfortable doing a "do it yourself" divorce because I was not very savvy about finances and needed a decent settlement. I had given up my career, taken care of th kids, etc., and my H had far better income than I did, and my employment prospects were not great, due to sacrificing my career. As part of the settlement, I got some funds that would help me to go back to school to retrain. (They didn't fully cover the cost of school, but have been a big help.) Of course, I could use that money for anything I wanted, but the reason we said we requested that money in the settlement was for my career purposes.

He and I have joint custody of our kids, and this has been great. The kids need both of us in their lives. I have the kids 64% of the time and he has them 36%. This has worked well. It was helpful to have the attorneys for the parenting plan as well as the settlement and child support.

Here are some books I found helpful during the divorce:
Fair Share Divorce For Women: The Definitive Guide to Creating a Winning Solution
http://www.amazon.com/Fair-Share-Div...3953238&sr=1-1
This book had some creative ideas and would be useful to both women and men.

The Good Divorce: Keeping your Family Together When the Marriage Comes Apart
http://www.amazon.com/Good-Divorce-C...3953320&sr=1-1
This one was very influential for me and helped me have a vision I wanted for post-divorce family life.

Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child
http://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dad...3953398&sr=1-1
Lots of very practical advice and solutions. My husband read it too.

Mom's House, Dad's House for Kids: Feeling at Home in One Home or Two
http://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dad...3953398&sr=1-2
This is one for your children. You can read parts of it to them, or they can read it if old enough. I think it is especially helpful for the middle year's children, say around ages 9-14. But don't be limited by that.

Good luck to you, AvidReader. Life for me after the divorce has been much better than before, even though I wouldn't have necessarily thought that when I was in the midst of the break-up. Divorce is kind of like a tunnel you must pass through to get to" the rest of your life". I didn't know it at the time, because I was so caught up in divorce, separating, loss, grief, etc., but "the rest of my life" has been a great place to get to. There are rainbows and sunshine here.

Thanks very much, sunrise, for the great advice!

the only advise i can give you is this: be sure you're thinking and preparing for the long term. my divorce was simple too..we went through one lawyer, agreed on pretty much everything and it was all so easy. well, had i gotten a lawyer and had a decree drawn up that made sense for both parties i wouldn't be going back to court 4 years later trying to clean up the mess i set up for myself. in short, remember this time is short and after it's final it's final for ever. what you do now to set yourself up for success in the long term is what is most important. i'm not saying try and take everything you can, be fair but be honest with yourself in what you want and need over the long haul.

Thank you, Brogen; that is exactly why I want to retain an attorney!

Found an attorney at last; yay! He's really young -- just graduated from law school in 2010, but he's courteous and seems very intelligent and works for one of the most respected firms in town. Also, his retainer wasn't exorbitant, and he actually LISTENED to me, which was nice.

I was afraid my husband would be angry, but he's fine with it. I'm not sure whether he'll be retaining his own attorney.

That's quite a bit of anxiety off my shoulders....Now I just have to work through the grief. My husband doesn't move out for a few more weeks. I feel like I'm still in denial.

Hey Avid,
Glad to hear you found an attorney, that's a huge step in the right direction. It will be hard once he moves out, but cross that bridge when you come to it. I think you are doing the best you can, you seem like a really strong woman! Big hugs

((AvidReader)) - I just wanted to stop by and give you and your children hugs. Your husband also deserves a high five for being cooperative. I know any divorce sucks and this may sound odd, but I actually envy you lol - I wish I had a cooperative husband who was willing to make the process tolerable for all concerned. Since you both accept this divorce, you and your soon to be ex can find the least expensive route so they'll be more for the kids in the long run and less shattered emotions. Best of luck to you and your family.

Thanks, Lynn; I appreciate that so much! Sending you and your kids some hugs back:

My ex and I did it through Legalzoom.com- it was very easy, although we did not have any kids (just the cats which he KNEW I was keeping) nor even a home (we lived in an apartment). It cost $250. I know you're situation is more complicated but as others suggested checking out any and all resources may be helpful.

I wish you the best during this difficult time.

My ex hired a lawyer. His lawyer was $200 an hour. I am broke and have been since I left. I couldn't afford a lawyer and since my mom lived with me, and she MIGHT have gotten a job (which she ended up NOT getting) they said I was not qualified for legal assistance. I got legal advice from two lawyers. Two over the phone advice and both lawyers basically said I was doing everything right.

Our divorce was nasty. He's greedy and only wanted to give 400 a month child support when he makes 4500 a month and I make 900 a month. He also tried to have it to where I have custody of her but he claims her every other year for taxes. I was in an accident and it was "no fault" because it was a hit and run. He wanted me to pay the tow fees but if anything was ever won for the accident (involving MY car, and he was no where near us when the accident took place) he would get it. He also tried not to give me back the things I had to leave behind when I escaped that place only packing myself, my child and what I could fit in a 2 door car.

His lawyer tried to make threats. Tried to threaten to take my child away, tried to threaten me not getting a dime... So many threats and accusations. In the end, I got what I asked for. His requests were denied. I didn't fall for the lawyer bs. I knew what was right and what was wrong and with that, I was able to keep from getting screwed over.

He ended up paying the tow fees, he is not claiming her for any tax year, I do not have to drive her 1/2 way to meet him (since I don't have a license due to seizures and no car due to the accident, it's been a long 2 years lol), and I got $1,500 for the things I left behind (I settled on that one. I was initially asking 5,000 but he had a baby on the way so I settled for 1,500). Mostly I got the divorce and custody of my daughter. His lawyer drew up so many divorce papers and every detail I saw that I did not agree with was corrected.

The best of luck to you. My divorce was not civil at all. He had the money and the lawyer but in the end, the right person won. Even if I had not gotten what I wanted by the time we went to court, I would have at court. Especially when he took the stand and first couldn't get my daughters name right then couldn't get her birthday right. He was off by 2 years (and she was only 2 years old at the time! He said she was 4)

Just remember if you feel like something is off, go with your gut. You know if something isn't fair, and typically the court will see it as well. Don't let anyone pressure you or make you feel like you don't have as many rights. Don't let them convince you that you've already lost.

I hope you find help, if not I hope you have strength and drive to get you through it on your own, it's not impossible and not the hardest thing. I've only got a year of college under my belt so far and I was able to outsmart a $200.00 an hour lawyer. You don't NEED an expensive lawyer for this, my ex had one and didn't get a thing he wanted.

Thanks, PFM (and Alissa3, and everyone else whom I have not yet had time thank personally. You sound like a strong intelligent woman, and I'm glad you fought for your rights. Your divorce sounds like it was really hellacious! Good for you for standing up for yourself.

The fact that you are on civil terms is a great asset.
I have my sister in law working on her divorce.
She is so angry at him that she can't think straight.
And her lawyer is first working on her own wages before she works on the divorce.

It is a sad situation.

Avidreader....How's the divorce unfolding?Can you say here,or in a p.m what the cost was,and what aspects/issues were adressed?Was the marriage long?I was married 22 years....well....am married...and there is a good amount of property involved,as well as401k,med/dental coverage,and good Lord....did he ever run up our credit.Basically,I am thinking that unless he can reduce some of the debt,that it may not be the right time to pursue.idk,still researching it all.It is not easy.I need to gain more info about our financial situation I think b4 I submit my case.But,at the same time,I am worried because he has a heroin addict living in our home.I have half a mind to believe she...for sport and info gathering would possibly be on this site.Not good with my status.But,we draw the karma that we release in most cases,so I guess things will be alright in the end.Reality is subjective anyway.Worry has no power for change.So what's left is to treat others the way I want to be treated,be well informed,and remain mindful....expecting the best will eventually occur if I am doing my part.Hmm? One can be hopeful eh?

Funny you should mention that, wolfsong, because finances have turned into a HUGE, huge issue.

The divorce right now is not happening -- yet, and neither is a legal separation, because the plain fact is that my husband and I cannot afford to support two households. My attorney (retainer: $3,000, already paid) said that even with an amicable mediated divorce agreement (mediator: $750, already paid) a judge, who has to review and approve the mediation document, would reject it as finanically not feasible and order us to sell the house and split the profit. We've already moved so many times (about 4 or 5) that neither of us wants to uproot the kids yet again, even if it is to a house in the same town, yet I fear that is inevitable.

So, right now my husband is living in his apartment and insisting that all the financial stuff will be fine, that the kids and I can keep the house, but it's been just over a month since he moved out, and already we are struggling financially. I don't know whether to force his hand on the divorce, or just give him some time and see if he will get through whatever midlife crisis he is going through, or resolve whatever issue is at hand.

We've been married 17 years (well, 17 years on 10/29, on which night I plan to drink myself into a stupor, but that's a topic for another thread!) and have 3 kids, but other than that the divorce should be pretty uncomplicated, although we too have a 401K, dental/med coverage, and credit card/student loan debt to divide. SIGH.

I agree with you about karma, totally. Good luck to you! Feel free to PM me at any time if you have any questions or just want to vent. I myself have been doing a LOT of venting lately.

I was fortunate that my dad paid my lawyer. I was a full time homemaker with absolutely no income of my own and 13 years later, I still have no clue what it cost.

I very much want to advise any woman who is thinking about divorce to do a few things to protect themselves financially.

Open your own bank account - without his name on it. And move money over to it every single week. (I didn't, and my ex froze me out of our bank accounts).

Look at your credit card debt - does it belong to both of you - or did he run up the charges? (My ex ran ours up - I insisted that he was responsible to pay them off as part of my decree). If you can, get your name off of joint credit accounts now.

Know the current value of your home and if you are joint owners, DO NOT agree to sign papers giving up all rights to share in the proceeds if the house is sold. (dumb me).

While not financial, but just based on my personal experience - no matter how much you want to trust that he will be "fair", the Golden Rule does not apply in divorce. "Too nice me" thought he would be fair and treat me kindly. But nothing is fair in love and divorce war.

Well,he ran up the credit debt.Buying a harley for him self,and one for his (at the time 2 strike felony background meth addict friend....currently in prison. I think it was a 3rd strike this tme,not positive.),taking loans against the house,and other nonsense.Owes $7,000 on the credit cards,and says he wants to leave the house to my son.I guess I'd feel pretty ***tty if I had the house set for sale in the proceedings,like I was robbing from my son (good tactic he used if you ask me.I think he genuinely does want to leave it for our son,but,with his financial status,I have no idea what provisions could even be made to me,/o the sale.Now he has a heroin addict living with him.So I can't really see his finances improving.*sigh*,What a fraking mess.Trust me,he'd notice if I moved money out of that account.Then it'd fer sher be frozen.I have two checks I can utilize.I wanted to save them for attorney,or emergency.Idk...prollies will never even get to use them.As far as being fair....I know that my interest in the house is something I should pursue,but the guilt of son being the one to suffer is weighing heavily on my heart.He said he wants to cooperate in the divorce idk how accurate it'll pan out to be.