[ManApart]

Background:

Got married at age 27 to a beautiful Swedish woman I got pregnant on our second date. I asked her to move to the US and start our family. I had always had a hard time trusting women, so our marriage started out rocky...
During our very short courtship, we had the usual conversations about our pasts. At some point, I asked her if she'd ever been married and she replied, "No". As we got to know each other better, I found out that in Sweden she had bought a house with a guy, but they weren't married. I went to visit her in Sweden before we were married and before our son was born. Her brother picked me up from the airport and I noticed that there was mail on his backseat and his last name was different than my soon-to-be wife's. I asked her about this and she explained that in Sweden it was common for a person to change his/her name on a whim and that she changed hers because she and her Mom didn't get along while she was growing up. That is a whole other story!

Later, I found her mail on her kitchen table and mixed in was mail for the man she said she had bought a house with (but had since moved out). Lo and behold, his last name was the same as hers. She said it was a very common last name in Sweden (which it is) and it was a coincidence.

So, we get married. Then while she's at work, a couple days before I'm scheduled to fly back to the States, I am getting a duffle bag out of her closet that I lent her and there in the pocket are her wedding pictures!! Not from the wedding we just had, but from the one she had 6 years earlier that she denied ever happened. Well, this was amplified by the trust issues I already had so it was not pretty.

Fast forward 6 months or so. We worked it out, she said she lied because when we first talked I said that if she had been married before I wouldn't have anything to do with her. I didn't understand since I'd dated a lot of women who had been married before and didn't care either way. Maybe I was on some sort of "no baggage" kick or something. Anyway...I had gone to Sweden again for the birth of our son. She couldn't come to the States because of complications with the pregnancy. After he was born she had to wait the requesit amount of time for the baby to be able to fly and came to live in the States.

I had always detested smoking and she knew it. It was one of the first things I told her. She smoked but I said that if she was going to come see me that she had to have not smoked for at least a day before hand. I know...kind of stuck up. But I was cocky.

So, she had been in the States for a month or so. I came home early from work and saw that the front door had just closed. I went through and saw a smoldering cigatette butt in the plant right outside the door. I found her in the bathroom brushing her teeth. I asked if anyone had been there. She said no. I asked if she was just out front. She said no. So I asked her to follow me. We walked to the front door, I opened it, pointed to the smoldering butt and asked, "So whose is that?"
She broke down and admitted it. I blew up. I said that her first response to a direct question is to lie and that she doesn't own up to the truth until proof is shown that can't be argued. It was not pretty.

We got past that and spent the next 10 years in an unhappy marraige. I never showed her the love or respect she deserved as my wife and the mother of my children (we had a daughter a few years later) because I guess I felt she didn't really deserve it because she had lied to me. Twice!! Talk about holding a grudge huh?

We tried counseling a couple times at her request. The first time I went in and said exactly what the counselor wanted to hear. We only went a couple times and then stopped. The second time I went because I thought she had issues that she needed to work on and that the only way she would go to a therapist is if it were for both of us. That didn't work out either.

Finally, the inevitable happened...a man she met at a new job was more than willing to give her the attention she didn't get from me. He became her best friend, then confidant, then lover. She moved out for a "trial separation". It was a month after the move out that I found out about the affair. I knew about this guy before, but we had supposedly dealt with it and it had never gotten physical. True or not, it didn't matter at that point. He was giving her the emotional support she wasn't getting from me.

Finally I went to counseling (and took it seriously). I began to realize that I had some issues to work on and that what I had done to her emotionally was damn near unforgiveable. Many times during my marriage I had wished that I were single. Here I had a beautiful, intelligent, strong, Swedish woman, but I thought there was something more out there. Something better. Anyway, I fought and fought and finally got her back. Perhaps a bit too prematurely. There were many unresolved issues. My nerves were still very raw from the affair and she was still very gunshy that I would go right back to the same cold, unfealing man I had been all those years before.

A few months later, she moved out again and this time sought the counsel of a divorce laywer. A few weeks later, Mr. Bestfriend was back in the picture. We went back and forth for a year. On again off again. The whole time the kids were suffering. Blaming each other for the way things were and never getting on the same page.

Finally, a week before I was to deploy for Iraq, we decided to give it a real try. We would get married when I returned and be a whole family again. While deployed, the stress of being in a war zone was too much for me to handle at the same time there were still remnants of the sting of being betrayed and rejected. We fought all the time on the phone and email. I accused her of being with other people and was constantly suspicious of what she was doing. The whole time, she was going through her own personal hell with medical issues and cancer testing. Once again, I was totally unsupportive. I finally decided that I couldn't handle my job in Iraq and the negative emotions I was feeling about her at the same time and something had to give. I couldn't just leave the war, so I broke it off.

I started browsing dating sites knowing that she would check and get upset. I knew I wouldn't start anything with anyone, but she didn't know that. The joke was on me though. There had been a guy back home who had been very interested in her and a couple weeks after I broke it off, she started seeing him. I should've known. I see it all the time.

A couple weeks before coming home, the stress of the deployment started to fall away and I started to realize how ridiculous I had been. Too late! I asked her if we could pick up where we left off, but she said that I had hurt her too much and that was the last time. She picked me up with the kids when I returned, we went back to her house and I stayed for a week. We made love, held each other, talked about how much we'd missed each other...then her boyfriend came for a visit and I had to get the hell out. She claims that all she wants from him is friendship, but that's bunch of crap. You don't kick the father of your children out of your house so your "friend" can stay there.

Right after he left, I was invited back. And like an idiot...I came. And here I am. She doesn't lead me on though. She is clear that she doesn't know what she wants other than right now, she can't be in a relationship with me until she heals. Meanwhile, I'm like a lovesick sucker just hoping for one more chance with the love of my life.

Why have I sabotaged this relationship of 12+ years time and time again, just to be here longing for her to want me again??????

Originally Posted by ManApart

Why have I sabotaged this relationship of 12+ years time and time again, just to be here longing for her to want me again??????

You're insecure.

[Leed]

You're certainly being honest about what you've done. I think you need more therapy. There are some issues that you still need to work on, like why are you holding grudges for so many years? What is it that you want from her -- perfection? You certainly won't get it.

It sounds to me like you want to be the "boss" of the house. But a marriage/relationship has to be 50/50 or close. Each person has to give as well as take. You can't take all the time & expect it to work.

Give her some time. She probably DOES have to heal !! But in the meantime, get some more therapy. It sure can't hurt. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

It sounds like you both have major issues and I cannot see how the relationship can be saved. You both lie, cheat, and steal from one another and others, either figuratively or literally and I don't think a healthy relationship can sustain such. I would suggest therapy as Lee does but you have tried that several times and it does not seem to have helped you.

I did not want to say so, but with the other Swedish man/husband in the picture when you first married her; how do you know your first child is yours? I do not see this woman as positively as you do, would not ascribe her mistakes and outright manipulation of you to you; you seem to have enough mistakes and manipulating tactics of your own.

[lexie86]

You have spent nearly 15 years of your life miserable and unhappy, why?
Because of your children, well you ahve not done them any favours. look at what your modeling for them its crazy.
Honey if it did not work the first time, then it has even less of a chance to work the second and third and forth time.
I know you love her, but honestly your obviously mature enough and old enough and should have enough life experience to know better. She is not going to wait around for you, and i not quite sure you too love each other as much as you think you do, look at how you treat one another.
you do everything she tells you too do, she lies and cheats she gets financial sercurity from you and bascially knows that your always going to stick around no matter what. she used you from the start, i dont know if she did it intentionally, but she must super beautiful and amazing o have so many men want her. and in the end do you know who will end up alone you will, because one day when the kids are gone she will find someone who gives her exactly what she wants and she wont need you anymore.

Look chances are you will stick this out again and again, and she will keep pulling you back in to only then drop you and then pick you back up. your choice are you going to step up and leave for good, or keep doing the same old song and dance. its up too you.

Just take care of yourself and i wish you well and goodluck.

[ManApart]

Originally Posted by Michael the Great

You're insecure.

Yes, and Narcisstic and a perfectionist...but I'm working on these things. Thanks for the input.

[ManApart]

Originally Posted by Leed

You're certainly being honest about what you've done. I think you need more therapy. There are some issues that you still need to work on, like why are you holding grudges for so many years? What is it that you want from her -- perfection? You certainly won't get it.

It sounds to me like you want to be the "boss" of the house. But a marriage/relationship has to be 50/50 or close. Each person has to give as well as take. You can't take all the time & expect it to work.

Give her some time. She probably DOES have to heal !! But in the meantime, get some more therapy. It sure can't hurt. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Yes, I wanted to delve into the root cause of my anger and grudge-holding, but my therapist says that I'm sounding very positive and healthy. He thinks that I only need to see him if I feel the need to talk. I guess since he's a family and relationship therapist, he is more attuned to dealing with couples rather than individuals. Maybe I should check into a new therapist.