[pinchfire0236]

I am new to this site so please bear with me. I am the husband of a woman who has been diagnosed with bipolar since she was 13. Unfortunately she has never seeked treatment for it. I love her with all my heart and we have been together for 4 years now. There is just one problem. Every year for the past 3 years has been so hard. From Jan.-Aug. she is a great an incredible person, the woman I fell in love with. From Sept.-Jan. she is someone completely different. She is distant, rude to her family and friends, acts like she is normal and if no one can handle it then "too bad," doesnt care about the consequences of her actions, shows no sign of emotion about what she does, she does mean and hurtful things, shows all the signs of mania, and the worst is around Oct. she cheats. I am just so heartbroken and it has just happened last week. She tells me the same story every year, "I love you but i'm not in love with you." She then just acts like this cold hearted person who doesn't care about what she is doing or the consequences of her actions.

She ignores the signs and just thinks this is normal and that everyone else should just deal with it. She tells me she doesn't understand why I love her and that I should just run away and never look back. She will do this till around the end of Dec., first of Jan. and then come back to me saying how sorry she was and how she needs help and how she can't believe how much she hurt me and has screwed up. Then she is back to that woman that I fell in love with.

I don't know what to do. It hurts so much when she does this, and it is devastating both to me, my family, her family, and friends. Only this past year did she go to a doctor to get help for her problems. He unfortunately didn't care and just saw the dollar signs because I have really good insurance. He would just have her come in fill out a questionairre and then have her out the door in less then 5 mins (of what is supposed to be a 30 min session) with a new perscription. She felt like if thats how she was going to be treated then what was the point. She stopped taking the meds, stopped seeing the dr and kept telling me that she was just fine and that she would find someone else to go see. But never would. When I would try to help her she would just say she'll take care of it and never would.

We are currently seperated, and I don't know what else to do. I am to the point that I don't know how much more I can take. I can't get her to stop "seeing" this other person, and of course because he is "getting some," he doesn't want it to stop either. I just want my wife back. I want that woman that I love. Is there any hope or reason to keep fighting for my marriage, even though right now when she is in this manic mode it feels like I am fighting for it alone. I feel like I have lost all hope. Can anyone help out there?

[Hoppipolla]

You are married to someone who was diagnosed a long time ago...what's to say, her actions are in her eyes acceptable because she has bi-polar?

Right, but what's to say she's not just using it as an excuse as she is frustrated by the relationship you have?? Her actions are unacceptable..period. She is married to you and is cheating on you..not for the first time. You keep accepting it....so.....she does it again and again, because she knows she can get away with it.

2 choices. You can ask her to get assessed, find out if she still has BP, then you can take it from there and decide to support her, try again and put it all down to her illness

Or you can walk away, hard as it would be...do you deserve to be treat with this lack of respect? Don't you deserve a better life than this? I think you do, but it's your decision.

I wish you luck, keep us posted.

[pinchfire0236]

Thank you for writing back and I apologize for taking so long to reply. So much has happened over the last week that I have forgotten to get on here.

I understand what you are saying, and I see your point. At the beginning of the year she started seeing a psychiatrist who did diagnose her again with bipolar. He started her on meds and she started to take them but he then would just treat her as a cash cow and instead of actually talking to her and treating her he just kept throwing meds at her and wouldn't even ask her if they are helping her. So after a few months she decided to stop treatment and stop taking the meds.

The only reason I don't think that she is using this as an excuse is because if you talk to her right now she thinks everything is fine and this is just the way she is and that she is normal. Even despite the tests she had at the earlier part of the year.

I have been going to counseling for myself (can't eat, sleep, being depressed, etc.) and have been discussing this with some friends of mine who are going through the same thing. This unfortunately hurts too much and even though they are getting through it, (his wife is now on meds for BP and recieving regular therapy), it looks like I am looking at divorce. I love her more then anything and everything, but its just too much. Just the thought of her being with him and not me, not only for the holidays but on Dec. 27th which is our wedding anniversary, is just starting to be too much. I have another counseling session coming up soon and I'm going to discuss it with the counselor to see what she thinks I should do. Cause I don't know what else to do.

If anyone else has any other suggestions or help PLEASE don't hesitate to reply. I will take any advice/help that anyone has.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I think I have to agree with Hoppipolla. People who have bipolar know the difference between right and wrong. What she is doing is WRONG. She knows this, but does it anyway -- probably because it's "exciting" and she's getting away with it.

She definitely needs therapy, and I'd continue to urge her to get it -- telling her that the marriage depends on it. Tell her it's either therapy, or nothing -- but you have to be prepared to follow thru. You can't continue to let her treat you like this. She's NOT insane -- she knows what's going on.

I wish you the very best. Take care of yourself & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Tamezen2015]

I feel so sorry while reading your story...I think that you, yourself should consult a professional Counsellor...a marriage relationship should be fulfilling rather than a torture to either of the partner. Love does only good and that deed of goodness must be to yourself first. Give some thought for yourself; ask "Why am I inviting into my life someone who instead of filling my needs is making me feel miserable?"...be fair to your self, shift the focus of your thoughts to your self rather than to her...

[pinchfire0236]

To Lee,

I understand what your saying, and I do think that the fact that it is "exciting" is part of it. Yes she absolutely needs therapy, no doubt about it. I am going to try to hold on till she comes out of this manic phase and tell her that it is therapy or the highway. I just don't know if I can hold on that long. The thought of going through Christmas is bad enough, but our wedding anniversary is on Dec. 27th, and so the thought of her sharing that with someone else is too unbearable. So I hope she comes down before then or I am going to have to get a divorce and move on.

[pinchfire0236]

To Tamezen,

I am currently going through professional counselling just for me as well as talking to my friends, one of which is a couple going through the EXACT same thing (the wife has bipolar) and is currently going through treatment and counselling, and the pastor at my church. I agree that it should be fullfilling rather then torture. I am trying to work on myself so no matter what happens I can move on. It is just torture right now. As I told Lee our wedding anniversary is coming up soon and I don't think I can handle that. Something better change soon because I am going to file before the anniversary. I can't go through that knowing she is with someone else. Until she shows a sign of some sort of coming down I can't even talk to her. I hope she just realizes what she is doing before then.

[Tamezen2015]

I am glad to hear that you are doing something good to yourself...remember that nobody else in the world could care for yourself as much as you do...life is worth living, regardless...

[ManApart]

Pinch,

Sorry for your pain. I know what you are going through. My ex-wife isn't bipolar, but I know the pain of loving her and wanting her to come back to you while she is with someone else. In my case, I pushed her away (both times) by being an idiot who couldn't recognize what he had when he had it. You though, seem to know exactly what you have and what you want. Unfortunately, it seems she only wants to be with you for half of the year. That is interesting. I'm no physciatric professional, but could it have anything to do with the weather? Do you live somewhere that has drastic weather during the winter months? Have you thought of possibly moving? I don't know if that's even possible, but it may be something to consider. It would help to get her away from her "friend" as well. These guys are real pieces of work...they have no qualms about wedging themselves in between a man and wife. It is quite sad.

I wish you luck in your future relationship decisions. Hopefully things will work out with your wife, but even if they don't...you will be happier in the future. I know this sucks to hear right now (trust me....I know), but it is the truth. Things can only get better.

[pinchfire0236]

To Manapart,

First thank you for posting. Unfortunately it is an extreme hurt knowing that she is with someone else, especially when I know what kind of person he is. Your right, any man that "runs around" with a married woman is a real peice of work, they are just trash who want nothing more then sex. I could maybe understand if I had did something wrong, but I have done nothing. I'm not patting myself on the back, but I never did anything to deserve this.

As far as the weather goes, yes it is seasonal. We live in WV, and have seriously considered moving to KY. It is from sept. to jan. that she does this, then from jan.-sept. she is the normal loving person that I fell in love with. I have read countless books on this and she is a type I bipolar with major manic depression that is seasonal.

I haven't made a decision about the divorce or not, I am currently going to counseling, and spending most of the rest of the time in church talking to my pastor who has been extremely helpful. I told her I would give her 3 months to "figure out" what she wants to do, but with our wedding aniversary on Dec. 27th I don't know how much longer I can wait. I have been praying to God everyday on what to do and right now I am doing all that I can. I don't know whats going to happen, I guess only time will tell.