[cellosrock]

Kinda hard to express the entire situation, but let's just say my husband has two daughters. Their mother has physical custody and they share legal (though, anyone in the know is aware that really means she has it). Their mother has some issues and we would like to get custody. My husband didn't fight for it at the time of the divorce because it's almost guaranteed he would have lost. Everything would have been "he said/she said" and she is a very good manipulator and the mother. It's all too common that the father is automatically judged as the dead-beat. So wrong!

Anyway, since the divorce we have always tried to do what is best for the girls. The youngest is autistic. Her mother quit giving her the supplements the doctor recommended and it took close to a year before she would agree to talk to him again (as the youngest was regressing and she finally admitted it). My husband, though, had to make the appointment and do all the doctor things. For the past 6 months, we have also been taking her to developmental therapy since her mother would do nothing stating "there is nothing wrong". My husband has also had to be the one to call and straighten out billing with dentists, call their schools on his own to even find out who their teacher is. Last year the youngest was held back a grade and we didn't even know it was being discussed. We found out the week school started because she didn't start until a week later (since it was kindergarten). Anyway...

My question...we are at the point we really question if our "help" is really helpful in the long run. We feel that perhaps we are just enabling their mother to continue to not take responsibility. We pick up the slack for her. She refuses to pay her half of the youngest's therapy and it's really starting to become difficult for us to shoulder that alone, plus she refuses to be involved at all. The therapist has tried to call and email her and she won't answer. What are your thoughts on this specific thing? Do we stop the therapy for right now (their latest agreement is that both girls see a therapist, but at a specific place near the mother) and have her go to the therapist by her mother even thought we both feel strongly that it is not in the daughter's best interest? Her mother lives in a small town and we are concerned about a therapist knowing how to work with autism. Also, it has been four months and the oldest still isn't going to therapy, so how long will it take for her mother to make that happen?

I'm sorry this is so long. It just feels like I want to get everything out. I'll end, though. Thanks everyone.

[Leed]

The kids father (and you of course) need to do WHATEVER is necessary for the health & welfare of these kids, since the so-called "mother" doesn't seem to care. If they need therapy, see to it that they get it. If they need supplements, make sure they have some. I know that it's probably a stressful situation, but these kids deserve a chance, and Mom doesn't seem to be giving them that.

If you stop doing all these things, the mother won't start just because you stopped --- she isn't participating NOW, so why would she later?

I'm glad the kids have the two of you. It's a shame you can't get custody, cause "mom" doesn't seem to care alot.

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Sloane]

B"H

first, I am sorry you and your husband cannot work with the biological mother of his kids. it is so important in divorce that the parents remain united in the decisions over the childrens' health and welfare. your husband does have the right to go back and challenge the custody agreement. if he says he thought the mother would have been best back in the first dispute, he will not have any bad marks against him for not trying to get the custody in the first place. personally, it sounds like legal and physical custody needs to be reconsidered. I would recommend contacting a lawyer to discuss your options. while I am not a family law attorney, I am a lawyer. if the mother is neglecting the health of the child, then the state should get involved. it clearly sounds lie the mother is turning a blind eye to the problems. your husband still has his parental rights as well as a portion of legal custody. between that and how the mother is neglecting the children, you have cause to go to court. the court is particularly concerned when there is a child with special needs who is being neglected. my brother is going through some similar stuff with his former wife and the courts now as they have a son with Down's Syndrome who the mother was taking out of therapy. well, the judge and the state did not like that and has made some hangers which have required my nephew's mother to obey or potentially lose custody. an attorney can help you gather the necessary evidence and resources needed to fight a clean and fair fight with the mother.

believe you me, I am not the type to tell people to run to attorneys and sue, but this is a situation whereby the system needs to interfere with the custody rulings as the primary caregiver is neglecting the children...at least one of whom is a special needs child. I wish you the best of luck trying to mediate with the mother and the courts. it sounds like your husband is an excellent father. to continue to be one, he must request a re-evaluation of the custody agreement. he is advocating for the welfare of phis flesh and blood, his children. attorneys often offer an initial consultation for free. perhaps you guys should find the right attorney by consulting with a few different attorneys. unless, of course, he wants to use the attorney he used originally. good luck. take care and be well.


Sloane

[cellosrock]

Originally Posted by Sloane

B"H

first, I am sorry you and your husband cannot work with the biological mother of his kids. it is so important in divorce that the parents remain united in the decisions over the childrens' health and welfare. your husband does have the right to go back and challenge the custody agreement. if he says he thought the mother would have been best back in the first dispute, he will not have any bad marks against him for not trying to get the custody in the first place. personally, it sounds like legal and physical custody needs to be reconsidered. I would recommend contacting a lawyer to discuss your options. while I am not a family law attorney, I am a lawyer. if the mother is neglecting the health of the child, then the state should get involved. it clearly sounds lie the mother is turning a blind eye to the problems. your husband still has his parental rights as well as a portion of legal custody. between that and how the mother is neglecting the children, you have cause to go to court. the court is particularly concerned when there is a child with special needs who is being neglected. my brother is going through some similar stuff with his former wife and the courts now as they have a son with Down's Syndrome who the mother was taking out of therapy. well, the judge and the state did not like that and has made some hangers which have required my nephew's mother to obey or potentially lose custody. an attorney can help you gather the necessary evidence and resources needed to fight a clean and fair fight with the mother.

believe you me, I am not the type to tell people to run to attorneys and sue, but this is a situation whereby the system needs to interfere with the custody rulings as the primary caregiver is neglecting the children...at least one of whom is a special needs child. I wish you the best of luck trying to mediate with the mother and the courts. it sounds like your husband is an excellent father. to continue to be one, he must request a re-evaluation of the custody agreement. he is advocating for the welfare of phis flesh and blood, his children. attorneys often offer an initial consultation for free. perhaps you guys should find the right attorney by consulting with a few different attorneys. unless, of course, he wants to use the attorney he used originally. good luck. take care and be well.


Sloane

Thanks. He did petition for custody a few months ago and at mediation they came to a new, more strict, agreement as to what needs to be done. She continues to not follow this agreement so we are currently trying to figure out our next best option. Our big concern is we don't want things to get worse for the kids in a custody battle and with custody things can be very tricky. Even if it's obvious she isn't best for the kids, she can use emotions to get at a judge or others involved and convince them she is doing her best and she was "abandoned". Right now we are working at looking at each point in the most recent agreement and documenting her lack of following it.

[cellosrock]

Originally Posted by Leed

The kids father (and you of course) need to do WHATEVER is necessary for the health & welfare of these kids, since the so-called "mother" doesn't seem to care. If they need therapy, see to it that they get it. If they need supplements, make sure they have some. I know that it's probably a stressful situation, but these kids deserve a chance, and Mom doesn't seem to be giving them that.

If you stop doing all these things, the mother won't start just because you stopped --- she isn't participating NOW, so why would she later?

I'm glad the kids have the two of you. It's a shame you can't get custody, cause "mom" doesn't seem to care alot.

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

You are right. I guess we just need to document everything we do and her noncooperation in them. Thanks for the outside observer opinion. I don't want it to sound like money really matters. Obviously the girls are way more important than that, it's just so hard when we know we could put all the money we give to her to much better use.