[jdpeachy]

I am 51 years old and married almost 25 years. My husband was an active alcoholic for the first 11 years. It was tough. We married because I got pregnant. Lots of pain there. I wanted to leave but stuck it out. He got sober and we had another child. The years since have not been better for either of us as we had trouble reconnecting (or connecting much at all). I have suffered mild depression on and off for years because of health and life issues. Not anything out of the ordinary, or so I thought. My husband was looking forward to happy times since he was sober. I kinda collapsed.

He told me in early November he was leaving me after the holidays because he was unhappy and unfulfilled in our relationship. I was stunned. HE was leaving ME!! I was able to keep myself together and make the holidays as happy and normal as possible for us and our 2 boys. They are 24 and 13. I have been taking good care of myself, trying to stay positive and strong. I think this is making it HARDER for my husband to leave actually since he does care for me. Maybe being a pile of despair would have given him an easier out. He is a good man but feels abandoned by ME! I accepted my responsibility for my part in the marriage troubles, apologized and expressed my desire to give it one last shot --

He in the meantime has started drinking again, bringing old hurts back into the mix, which is pissing him off because now he feels the focus is back on him again. I admit trying to make this work with THAT elephant back in the room seems daunting. He is not going to AA meetings.

He recently told me he put a deposit on a townhouse but it won't be completed until August! It is the beginning of March! Am I wrong to tell him to get out now, or should I go ahead with my positive efforts in the hopes that he'll change his mind? I think allowing him to stay here in the meantime makes me a doormat. I do suffer from lack of assertiveness. I don't want to be cruel, especially since my 13 yr old will be devastated enough if and when the time comes that my husband leaves. I tend to think about other's needs before my own. I need some advice!

[Leed]

Sweetie, you cannot try to save the marriage for the sake of the kids, because they're suffering NOW. You can't keep exposing them to him and his drinking. It's just not fair. That's a miserable life for kids, even tho they LOVE him. You MUST start thinking of your own needs. You have a right to be happy too. It can't be ALWAYS about the kids and their needs. You'll make sure they have love and attention -- that's a given. You've tried hard enough already thru the years with him. Now it's time to find some peace.

Tell him he needs to go. He's a big boy -- let him find his own place. Do NOT feel guilty. No one poured this stuff down his gullet. He made the conscious decision to start drinking again. He has options. He can always go to AA and get sober again. He knows the game.

By the way, I'm a recovering alcoholic myself --- so I'm not clueless to what he's doing. He's making excuses and isn't being honest with himself. Don't enable him by letting him stay -- kick him out.

Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[roads]

100% what Lee D said.
I'm a recovering alcoholic too. Your husband's on the pity pot & you need to tell him he can't keep one in your house. This drunk & his drinking need to pack and & leave now.

Get your son in Alateen & yourself in AlAnon. Get your family in counseling if possible & invite hubby to participate. But until he is actively back in AA, working with a sponsor, I wouldn't let him line in the house.

Medically, when he started drinking again, his addiction picked up right where it left off. In other ways, too--in his relationship style with you, the addiction probably also picked where it left off. It's amazing how quickly everything goes back to the Drinking Life once we alkies start drinking again.

I am so sorry he's done this but I promise you--unless you act very differently this time, it will be déjà vu all over again.

Roadie

[jdpeachy]

Thank you so much Lee and Roadie for taking the time to respond. I am happy to have gotten a response so quickly. Being as though you are both recovering alcoholics. your advice carries a lot of weight. I wish my husband had not started drinking again. Regardless of how unhappy he is with our marriage, the booze is not adding to his clarity nor to my ability to truly connect with him again. I think that I had lost a tremendous amount of respect for him during our early years, he abandoned me and I had to take care of our son and my dying mother pretty much on my own. Even when he got sober, our relationship needed a lot of work and healing. I did not go to Alanon. We made several attempts at counseling, but fell short. I admit it was mostly my fault, as by then I had our second born child and a big house to take care of and I put those needs first. I did not make our marriage a priority. It was wrong. Between the unresolved relationship issues and my subsequent depression, I have not been very available to my husband. He has been very lonely in our relationship. So have I. In his mind he has given his all to work things out with me. I don't see it quite that way, but have to believe that that was all he was capable of. I think we had different ideas about what "giving" meant. I wanted a closeness, a friendship to spark my intimacy. He needed me to want him -- period. I get it. I just couldn't do it. He owns his own business and travels a lot. He has been gone about 75% of the time this past year. That in and of itself is hard on the marriage. How can you say you have given your all if you're hardly ever home? He says he cares for me a lot. He's just empty inside. I told him I was sorry for neglecting him. If it werent for the drinking now I would not be so afraid to give it my all. My children haven't seen firsthand evidence of the alcohol. My oldest lives away, but I have told him what is going on. He is very disappointed with his father and that is upsetting my husband because I told my son what he's doing. Just generally, not specific incidents. There is no need to go into detail. The drinking episodes have not been horrible, nor have they been THAT frequent, but they are there nonetheless. He has been drinking on the plane mostly, because he is doing business most of the time while he is on the road. He has not said he is willing to go back to AA. He has not been to an AA meeting in about 5 years. He says this is his house too, and feels he should be allowed to stay here until the townhouse is complete -- in AUGUST! He feels its the least I can do since he feels that I am the one who left the marriage the past 10 years. I'm having difficulty determining whether I should demand that he leave now, why wait? -- or live as roommates for the next 5 months -- or whether I should just say F@$K it and prove to him that I can be more of what he needs and wants. Obviously, I do not feel close to him or we wouldn't be at this point. He has not been what I need and/or want, even sober. Should I make drinking a deal-breaker? I am ready to move on, one way or another. At this point, we need to call it a draw, not look back, and either 100% work TOWARDS re-connecting or call it quits. What possible reason could he have for needing space to figure this out? He has had all the space he needs while on his business trips. Deep down I think that if he found someone he'd be gone in a flash.