[bowhunt72]

Last night I spent the night in my own bed in my real house for the first time in six months. I moved out five months ago, and I had been sleeping on the couch for a month before that. My wife and I have been spending a lot of time together this week while the kids are gone on a summer church trip, to avoid freaking them out or creating too many questions we're not ready to answer yet.

After several aborted attempts both for me staying at the house and for her staying at my apartment, we finally decided last night felt right and I stayed overnight. Nothing physical ensued, although I think she might have wanted it to, but it felt good to wake up next to the person that fights, arguments, misunderstandings, and affairs notwithstanding is still the one I promised my life to at our wedding over 18 years ago. She says she never hated me, even when things were at the worst possible, and that even when I chose to be with someone else she still couldn't picture herself with another man after spending 20 years of dating and marriage with me.

One of my friends here has been exceptionally straightforward in keeping me aware of the issues of my being in a physically, verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive relationship. With her advice firmly in mind, I think we have made real progress on the issues of abuse. My wife read me a formal letter of apology and asked forgiveness for her role in letting the marriage deteriorate to the point where an affair was possible and likely, including specifically the verbal and physical abuse. (I had to write my version of the same letter, and also a much longer one asking forgiveness for the things I did wrong in my affair.) The possible answers to each item were yes I forgive you, no I cannot forgive you, and no, I cannot forgive you yet, but I'm working on it.

The abuse issue was one where I said not yet, but I'm working on it. I went to the house last night prepared to forgive, but she shot me down and rejected my forgiveness. She said she didn't want me to rush forgiveness just to get through this book we're working on faster so we can get to formal marriage counseling, but to take more time to think and pray and see if I am truly ready to forgive. I was very hurt and felt rejected, but I guess it was a good thing she didn't want to just blow past it and say it was forgiven and over, but rather take the time to make sure it's not an issue between us again.

She seems to be taking her commitment to avoid violence and abuse seriously, as we currently disagree very strongly on the issue of me moving back into the house. She doesn't want me there because she says she still doesn't trust me enough and she's still scared of what I might do that could hurt her, although she has said that she trusts that I will not leave to go chasing someone else again. She also thinks that keeping us apart will give us more room to heal. I think that maintaining two separate households on incredibly tight money is financially stupid, that she has no right to dictate whether I can live in the house I'm still paying for, and that one of the best ways for us to heal is for us to be together and get used to being around each other again. Obviously these viewpoints are far apart, but even during several strong disagreements she has not been verbally abusive or made any effort to attack me physically. I'd have to call that at least some sort of progress.

[doggiedo]

It sounds like you guys are being really smart about this and that you and she are a similar page. I think it's a great step forward and hopefully u guys can continue to move in the direction in which you both want to go. I wish you luck and please let us know how it goes.

[Leed]

Personally, I have to agree with you -- I think you'd make more progress together, than to be apart. I don't see how being apart any longer is going to help things when I think she KNOW you're not going to do this again. I think she's punishing you but at the same time, actually likes being apart.

I sure don't know what to tell you to do -- it would just start a feud. And I would think that NOW would be a good time to start counseling before being apart become a state of comfort for her. Maybe it already has. Wish I had an answer. She sounds like a very stubborn woman. LOL

God bless and I'll keep you in my prayers. Hugs, Lee

[BlackPup]

Glad that progress has been made and praying for you. Black Pup

Dear Bow I have to agree with Leed on this one. Have you discussed her living in the apt to take a little break to really be with herself alone to think about her actions? Lats say for 6 months. I dont really think she is as afraid as she claims. More comfortable than anything else. And i truly think she shouldnt be able to skate by with your friends family and community with this big secret of DV. She has to come clean with that publicly and in all honesty for this to really work. Please think about that dear Bow.
You are not the villian in this. If she keeps it a secret you will always be the "forgiven" and her the saint.
To me that isnt getting back to a good place. It is burying something.
Please continue to stand up for yourself Bow.
The most important thing is that you are safe and well. Keep it up xx