Can't get over ex, want her back but should I try?

I met my now ex-girlfriend back in 2000 at college. We started dating and became very close. We dated for 9 years and when she broke up with me I was absolutely devastated. Even now I've been meeting with a psychologist in order to talk it out and help me get through it. It's been over 3 yrs since the break-up and I still cannot get over her. I've even taken my psychologist's advice and completely cut off all contact with her. I do think it was necessary in order for me to try to move on. It's been getting a bit better but I still think about her every day. I've even tried going out with other people but I just cannot get her out of my mind. The reason I cannot just move on is this... (back story)

One of her passions is traveling. We were together for 9 yrs and spent an aggregate of about 1.5 yrs in the same city. She was always off studying, working abroad. I would visit her as often as I could afford. She did love me and was faithful for the first 5 yrs or so. Around that time she cheated on me with a friend of her's abroad--someone she knew would hurt me much more than just another guy. When we talked about it she said she was extremely frustrated with my lack of progress in my own life--I still haven't finished my bachelors degree and by the time we broke up she had been waiting for me to do so for about 7 yrs. I had developed a marijuana addiction and became depressed since she was always gone. She would always say just graduate and come be with me. She was a very loyal girl until she just couldn't take it any longer. But after she cheated on me with her friend abroad I couldn't stop thinking I wasn't as good, etc. The way I dealt with it was to fetish-ize it. Hearing about what happened--the details I mean--turned me on more than anything I've ever experienced before or since. Pretty soon it was the only thing I wanted to talk about with her during sex. She didn't like how constant it was. She even said, "if it was something we did every once in a while it'd be fine" but I became obsessed--not dangerous stalking kinda stuff, just talking about it all the time because it turned me on so much I couldn't help myself. So it was 7 yrs of "I'll graduate this next semester" but it never happened. Honestly all I would do was smoke pot and stay in my room. So she got sick of talking about the sex with me and got really tired of waiting for me to move on with my life so she started seeing someone else abroad. She began by telling me what they did together because she knew I liked it but she soon got tired of it all and left me for this new guy. They're not together any more.

My question is this: Should I contact her now and see if we could be friends? My psychologist says I should completely cut her off and move on with my life because she has obviously made up her mind about things. He doesn't know the full back story though--the fetish stuff and our dynamic. He sees it as, she cheated on you and made up her mind... Move On! The sooner you stop talking to her the better. Most of my friends agree. But they all don't know that this is something we were kinda into in moderation. No one else interests me like she does. And most importantly ***I was screwing up the relationship by not working hard on my own life.*** I feel the situation is more like a drug addict seeing the folly of his ways and wanting to make things right--if I could get her back that would be a bonus. But there is a big part of me that feels very slighted that she dumped me in the first place even though I completely understand why she did. I think* she still likes me in some form. The last time we spoke was before Christmas and she said then that if I could just move on—as in graduate, find a career, etc.--things between us would be different. I've now quit smoking pot, I'm going to class and I am very close to graduating. I'm getting my life on track and I want her back. I very very much want to take this chance even against everyone's advice. She'll only hurt you again etc, etc. She could very well do that--she could crush me. She's the love of my life. Everyone says drop her completely but I haven't told anyone the intimate details of our relationship. They say she should love me for who I am, and I agree. But what if who I was was an unmotivated pot head at the time? I am no longer that person and I want to contact her to see how she's doing without feeling like a doormat. What should I do?

In my opinion you should not contact her. You seem to me to have a problem moving forward about anything, as if you cannot leave the past behind in any regard. I find your not having completed your degree a sign of that.

She has moved on and the fact that you're still where she left you says you're not ready yet to catch up. I would suggest that you forget about relationships with her or anyone else period and work on you. Get that degree. Find a job you really care about, one you'd miss if you had to stop doing it. Start living.

If she's meant to be in your life, she'll find her way back once you become someone she could be in a relationship with.

I have a freind in a similar situation, he had this girl he was oh so in love with and he was always taliking about her, but she wanted nothing to do with him, that was 20 years ago. He has such a hang up on her that he can't move forward with anyone else and refuses to get help or let her go, she passed away 5 yeas ago, and he still won't let go. His entire life has hung up on this one girl and has never been able to move forward and make a life for himself. It kills me inside that he can't be happy, but he has to make that decsion to let go and move on.

I think it's a good idea to let her go and start learning how to divert all that energy into yourself. You can't have a happy healthy relationship if you yourself are not complete and happy. I never bought into that "you complete me" philosophy. Not two souls becoming one but two walking hand in hand. If one sould isn't into it, it can't work.