[LishaXYZ]

Hi everyone. I'm ashamed to post this. I've been reading this blog for a couple of months, and it seems to me that a lot of stories (with women mostly but men too) the separation or divorce stems from the man being abusive psychologically or having an addiction (workaholism, alcohol, porn, etc.) and the partners try everything to make the marriage or relationship work. They are doing ALL the work.

Do you find this to be true, or do I just happen to be reading a lot of addiction separations? I'm ashamed because I have fallen into the category of wanting my ex back, who is an addict.

I feel ashamed because I want him back and he is an addict. Is there anyone on here that can relate to wanting their husband/wife back despite them having been psychologically abusive due to addiction? The addiction could be workaholism (never being present), food addiction, alcohol, porn, etc. It really doesn't matter.

I just want to know I'm not alone in my shame.

[Leed]

I'm sure you're not alone -- it's just that those people aren't posting.

I DO have to advise you to PLEASE go to an Al-Anon or NAR-anon meeting because getting your ex back would be very detrimental to YOUR mental health.

Why do you want him back? He's abusive. He spends his money on drugs. He isn't there for you emotionally. All he cares about are his drugs. Why on earth would you want someone back like that?

Do you come from an abusive home? Were your parents abusive? Is this the kind of life you're used to? Do you feel "comfortable" in this kind of life?

If you don't want to go to those meetings, then please seek the help of a therapist. You need to find out why you prefer to be with an addict! Why you would want to be abused!!!

I wish you the very best. Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[nanci molly]

For 18 years, I stayed with him. I wanted the relationship even when I did not want him anymore because of his addictions and abuse. I later found out this meant I had an addiction of my own, called codependency. I have found the books of Pia Mellody to be a big help in understanding my addiction to love. Perhaps this may help you too.

[soxcatch]

Pia Melody is very good as is Patrick Carnes. I was married to an internet and cybersex addict (which led to an affair) for almost 20 years and I think I fell into battling there being a certain comfort level even with all the turmoil and the fear of what would happen throughout the process of leaving (money, kids, etc.). Even after finally leaving I did battle a time in which I longed for the "comfort level" and familiarity of what that life had been. What I had to keep reminding myself is what the relationship did to me, the damage I suffered, and how I even did things out of character that I'm ashamed of and even became habit-forming. I am still struggling through some of those behaviors I incorporated from that relationship as I move on with a new one.