[Winger77]

I have been with STBX 16 years, married for 5.

We have always had issues in our relationship. He is a big drinker, and gets very verbally abusive when he drinks. For the past five years when we fight he has been threatening me with divorce. We are from Canada, but his job took us to North Carolina for four years. We have four kids 15, 13yr old twins and a 10 yr old.

Being that far from home was very hard for me. I had no one. For three of the four years I did not work, and had no money. I have never had access to his money, unless I ask for HIS bank card.

We moved back to Canada at the end of June. I told him once we got back that I wanted a separation, and that I was getting things in order so that I could move out of the house. He is supposed to be going back to NC in July of next year. I have told him that the kids and I are staying here.

I have had one consultation with a lawyer, this was in August. I have a meeting on Friday to get myself set up with legal aid so I can get things moving.

My plan is to be out of the house with the kids by the end of November. I have a place to go. I will need to get set up with social assistance once I move out until child support kicks in, and I can get a job.

Since telling him that I am doing this, he has been a lot more of an ahole to me. He has always been verbally abusive. It is common for him to call me a fat ****, effing b, etc.... However, since telling him that I am moving forward with this he is going back and forth with being civil, to being a total pr*ck to me.

Our kids have heard it all. They hear the things that we say to each other. They have overheard him say "I wish I never had effing kids..." etc.

I think that he thinks that it is not for real, and that I will give in and stay. I am DONE DONE DONE. I do not want to live one more second like this. I have wonderful friends and family that are being so loving and supportive on me in all of this.

He is also playing the "I know more than you do game". I have take some law course and have a degree in psychology. I am a well educated person, and I have recently read many Canadian Family Law books. He seems to think that he will not need a lawyer in all this, and that if he does not sign anything, he will not have to pay child support. As per the lawyer, I have not said anything to him about support or custody.

He has also in the past couple of months asked me half heartedly about going to counselling. I know that he is reaching for straws. I told him that I will not go to counselling, because there is no reason to. He still drinks alone every night. He is not willing to change in any way. He is convinced that all the issues are mine.

Sorry this is so long and rambling... I just want to get it all out, and get some perspective. I am at the tip of the iceberg, and I know I have a long haul ahead of me. It's nice to know this forum is here with people going through the same thing.

[oldlife_disrupted]

Welcome to the board! Sorry to hear about your stressful situation. Even when it's amicable it's hard so don't worry about long and rambling I can't believe someone would badmouth the mother in front of his kids like that.

[healingme4me]

So sorry you are going through this! I know it's hard, when they say the things that they say, either directly in front of the kids, or within earshot. Even us, educated women, can put our foots down, but when the partner isn't respectful, they just aren't respectful. Do you have an 'emergency' place you and the kids can go to, until November? A family member to temporarily, take you and the kids in, until you get the place you are getting?

As the time draws closer, it could get more and more, volatile! I don't know how it works in Canada, nor in other parts of the States, but in my state, the initial submission of divorce, involves a sit down with a mediator and the child support is discussed and they plug in the child support numbers and it's immediate from that point. I used, wage garnishment, instead of trusting him to mail me a weekly check or hand me one. One of the best decisions, I've made, in that regard.

Vent and rant away, as you need! Many here, can appreciate and understand what you are struggling with!

[Winger77]

Thank you. I do have family and friends around me that I can go to if I need to. I am going to legal aid on Friday, once I do that, I can meet with my lawyer and get the separation agreement in place. He knows I am moving out before Christmas.

My friends got me a cell phone last week, so that I can reach them. STBX unplugged the phone on me a while back, and this concerned them. He found out about it yesterday and went on a rant about me being sneaky and hiding stuff from him. I had left the phone out in plain view, all four of my kids knew I had it the first day...

He has already said that he won't sign anything, so I will probably have to go the wage garanshe route for support.

I know that it aill probably get more ugly as the time gets closer, he is so used to thinking he has control over me, and now every time he turns around more and more of that control is gone.

To be quite honest, I am nervous about leaving with four kids, and managing it all on my own. But, it will be so much better for my kids and I to be out of this house and on our own.

[oldlife_disrupted]

Well its great rthat you have a support network to help you. Its too bad he'll take the hard route and force you to take extreme measures.

I'm going to claim ignorance here. What does STBX stand for?

[Winger77]

It means soon to be ex.

[hannabee]

Gosh, I don't mean to scare you, but I'm a bit concerned for you and your kids safety. You know him, though,so if there is any chance he will get dangerous or violent, please get out at a time before he thinks you are leaving. My mother wanted a divorce and my father was not having it. He held a gun to her head and played Russian roulette with her. He died in the process. Fortunately, he didn't involve my sister or I, but I can say I was scarred for life from it. Good luck to you...sending prayers your way!

[NoMoreGeek]

Hello Winger,
I wish you luck for your journey, you raised four kids so I have no doubt you will manage your new life very well.
I wonder how you could stay 16 years with him drinking like that? I stayed with my husband 3 years, and he made some serious attempts to stop drinking. But now that I am pregnant, it is just too hard. I am feeling guilty for wanting to leave him, but I want to protect my son-to-be... How was your husband with the kids, when he was sober?