[wordgarden]

I suffer from PTSD due to prolonged teenage abuse but, for the most part have had a successful life with ongoing therapy. My current relationship started out great. We met in our early 40's and are both professionals, though I have taken early retirement due to some health issues. My partner has many great qualities and with most of our friends, he is the one they prefer (I'm OK with that--he is simply more of a social person than me). We share many interests and beliefs. I did not want to have children and he agreed. We have a very special dog who we really enjoy. We never married but have lived together for 12 years and have considerable shared financial commitments. Our finances have always been divided right down the middle and, for the most part, that's how we wanted it, but in retrospect his insistence on this method should have been a warning sign.

My partner has become increasingly bad tempered and shouts at me quite a lot. He usually denies that he is shouting. He does a lot of childish blaming, i.e. it's never his fault. It has become increasingly hard to bear. He has another side to him which is kind and conciliatory, but I'm seeing it now as co-dependent behaviour, rather than genuine loving and caring, i.e. his kindness comes with a contract. He has been attending a codependents' group for a year and I have noticed some small changes, but the fighting has continued and even escalated.

Most of his outbursts are triggered by problems with his family, (he also has many arguments with them) which he acknowledges, but I seem to have become the target of his frustrations.

My own family was never close plus I my a history of teenage violent abuse by an alcoholic boyfriend has affected my judgement so I'm never really sure how to gauge these events. The next day he'll be very nice, bring gifts, etc then act like nothing ever happened (an all-too-familiar experience). I have lost the ability to bounce back because I know it's going to happen again, and because I feel so unnerved. Often I do not sleep. I have entirely lost interest in sex and I know this is hard for him but the years of fighting have worn me out. I dissociate a great deal as a coping mechanism. I've had a lot of counseling for my past abuse and have a pretty good understanding. We've had some counseling sessions together, but he seems to come away feeling vindicated--probably not the right counselor. :\

We recently moved to a new city which was a symbolic new start for us and although I lost the support of my friends, I am enjoying my new interests and the natural beauty of this area. He has been slow to integrate (is not really trying) and this has increased his frustration and blaming behaviour. For me it's a trade off. I get to live in this great area and we do still enjoy activities together but this Jeckal and Hyde existence is wearing me down. He professes to love me, always apologies. I even hear him telling people how much he loves living here (??which is the truth). He has been diagnosed with cancer which adds a whole other level of complexity and increases his anger and frustration. I'm feeling desperate for a less stressful life. I've never admitted any of this to friends or family. I really don't know what to do. Your thoughts are appreciated.

[kaliope]

it sounds like you have lived a very stressful life and have done much to get yourself back on track. the question is, how much more stress do you want? do you want to continue to live life with this abuse targeted at you? it is one thing to have the companionship and the nice things he does, but if the negative things he does far outweigh it, do you really need that in your life? is your happiness more important? perhaps a pro/con list is in order to help you make a decision as to what you want to do with your future. take care.

[Ashima]

Hi Wordgarden,
I'm a word person too, but I'll try to be brief. You've a lot on your plate and don't need extra verbiage.
Your partner's got cancer, right? How serious is it? What would he do if you got cancer right now?
My partner's love is very erractic too. It's his nature. It's unsettling and I don't like it, but it's there, overall. Is your partner's love there underneath all his angst?
You've been together quite awhile and he's being who he really is. Of course, that includes all the ugly parts. Can you endure them? Would you want him to endure your ugly parts? (I assuming you have some)
For the immediate future, assuming he does not need a great deal of care right now, can you get away for bits of time---weekends, or even a week's vacation? I'm spent a summer apart from my difficult partner and it helped me get perspective. If that's not possible, try just an evening away or a day. If at all possible, be with someone who feeds you in some way. Or if a walk helps, do more of that. Whatever helps you feel better, do it. Even if others say it's bad for you! (like eating chocolate or candy)
Unless your partner is really unwell, sex is probably very important to him. He's male and can't help that. It's a vital link between people who love each other---even when they are not being loving. Try to have sex with him. It can help restore the bond that is fraying right now.
Good luck!

[H3rmit]

>My partner has become increasingly bad tempered and shouts at me quite a lot. He usually denies that he is shouting. He does a lot of childish blaming, i.e. it's never his fault. It has become increasingly hard to bear. He has another side to him which is kind and conciliatory, but I'm seeing it now as co-dependent behaviour, rather than genuine loving and caring, i.e. his kindness comes with a contract. He has been attending a codependents' group for a year and I have noticed some small changes, but the fighting has continued and even escalated.
>Most of his outbursts are triggered by problems with his family, (he also has many arguments with them) which he acknowledges, but I seem to have become the target of his frustrations.

This sounds like a typical rut where you would have to keep calling the person on their ***** until they finally get it. Set limits. Assert yourself. I've been through something similar. Once he takes responsibility and really starts letting go of the neurosis (codependency) things will improve. Until then, it's resist or give in, both of which are draining.

[chateau2662]

Every word you typed is almost my story to a "T". I am also in the mists of a whirlwind of erratic behaviors and the up and down drama of "I love you" and then horrible comments laden with guilt directed towards me. The co-dependent attitude of "I must have you in my life" or "your my everything" that leads into endless arguments of nothing more than me not giving him everything he wants, is beyond exhausting!
The fact that your husband is able to grasp that he has this behavior and is actively approaching it, does speak of his ability to at least try to do something about it. I think that in these situations, we have to ask ourselves why we have attached a person like this to our lives. Is there a reason or meaning for being a part of this journey?
I am facing this situation with much question and (trying to have) reasonable understanding but with my history of depression and emotional abuse, I ask if I am repeating old behaviors? I have spiraled into a depression of my own with the daily thought of suicide to end the pain of life. He seems to flip his switch when he sees the pain that he is causing and this brings in a new sense of "protection" into the game and that gives him meaning. I believe the negative drama and attention draws a inward sense of "I am needed" to the relationship, hence the co-dependent behavioral cycle that continues. Breaking this cycle of "I feel needed" is the hardest thing you can do with people like this. Since I am not emotional stable, I think we continue to feed into each other creating a typhoon of emotion and drama that goes round and round.
The only way that you or I or anyone for that matter and combat this, is to find ourselves outside of another person. How to do this? I wish I knew, but I believe the strength we get from our battles eventually brings one to a greater sense of self in the long run. Value yourself and others will have no choice but to find value in you.