Ready to move on but stuck

I am posting here because I'm looking for advice or some sort of idea of what to do.

I'm soon to turn 40 and I've been divorced for a few years. I have two sons, ages 11 and 8, both of whom have special needs, one due to behavior issues and the other due to high-functioning autism. The boys live with me, full time. The thing is, for the past two and a half years, my ex-wife has been living with us, too.

I live in New York City, and even though I have a good job, this is a very expensive city. I chose quality of neighborhood over size of apartment and have a one-bedroom place in a very nice neighborhood. We are crammed in pretty tightly. The boys have bunk beds, and I sleep on a futon in the living room. My ex has a fold-up bed, but it's not that great and she usually ends up sleeping in our younger son's bed.

We get along really well for exes, markedly better than we did while married, and we make an excellent co-parenting team. We simply were not romantically compatible, but it took us ridiculously long (6 years married) to realize it. In all, everything is actually pretty good and we're happy. The main reason my ex lives with us is that she has been suffering from Lyme disease, which wasn't caught until a few years after she got it and was far along before she got treatment, and she's unable to work full time (she has a part time job, but it's not nearly enough for her to live on her own). I want to make sure she is able to be around the kids. She is a good mom, and this is the best situation we've been able to come up with until, hopefully, her condition improves (which it has to some degree, but she still has a lot of symptoms).

However, as you can imagine, a guy living with his ex-wife can have a lot of trouble rekindling his dating life. In truth, I never really dated much before I was married, and now my life is very busy. The kids are my absolute priority. Between caring for them and work, my life is pretty busy most of the time.

But emotionally, I feel very much ready to move on. The need to do so has become stronger and stronger. I've had a few dates over the past couple of years, and one that led to multiple dates, but everything has fizzled due to my living situation. Despite having my kids around, I feel quite lonely and find myself wishing things could be different. I can't and wouldn't force my ex to move out. She moved out briefly, about a year and a half ago, and it was hard on everyone. The kids, because their mom wasn't around as much; her, because the commute to get here from where she was staying (with a friend, an hour commute by bus from here), was draining; for me, because it became more difficult to juggle things. She would like to move nearby, but she really doesn't have the means, and I don't know when she will.

I just don't know what to do about the missing part of my life. Even if my ex were to move out, how would I ever have the time to devote to building a new relationship?

I used to have an OKCupid account, but I recently deactivated it because I was just too disheartened by my situation. I barely used it anyway, since I felt burdened by my living situation, which I think would be a dealbreaker for most women. It has really been troubling me, and I feel stuck. A big part of me misses the feeling of being married - not to my ex, but just the feeling of it. I'd love to find an actual compatible partner, but I'd settle for a little intimacy here or there. As it is, there's nothing at all in that area of my life, and I don't know how to build it.

Any advice/ideas?

You ex could find a place close and be with the children daily. I can't see any other way.

How are things going for you? Any resolution? I have always wanted, since a small child, to live in NYC. I'm incredibly envious of you. Let me know how you are doing.

Yes, clearly your living situation displays a deal breaking situation for moving onto a lasting, relationship. No matter how convincing, the reasons are, you aren't truly available. Being a single parent is tough enough, never mind a live in ex.
I agree, with fraiser, about separate living situations is the only way.
However, if it's just intimacy you are seeking, there's other websites to find people willing to be with others that aren't quite available. Don't know the names of these sites, but I'm sure others may have an inkling.

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